Husband doesn't sit or eat with us for dinner

[Anonymous]

My DH does something similar. He does sit with us at meals but is dead silent the entire time. I know that the root cause is his family of origin- he comes from a culture where you kind of sit down and eat really fast and silently unless it is a big special celebration. Regular meals are just for fueling and only special occasions are the kinds of meals where you sit around and chat. Where his parents are from, it’s common to not have enough seating for everyone and for people to sort of come in a few at a time to eat something quickly. I don’t know how to explain it except that the first time I went to visit his parents’ native country, it all made sense.

DH also traveled M-Th for years and now travels every 3rd week or so, and is used to 1-2 social work meals but getting to watch tv or scroll during his other meals. I can see the restlessness on his face during meals and also see how isolated my DD feels. When I feel like I can’t carry the entire meal conversation, I put on an interesting children’s podcast that we can all listen to, and then we at least have something in common to chat about halfway through the meal. I know it’s not ideal but it’s all I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just me and my daughter 29 days out of 30. He eats chips in front of his ipad later in the evening.

How common is this? Dreading solo dining the rest of my life.

That’s just terrible. Our kids are all grown but over the years we tried to make sure we have, at least, dinner together. I think it’s important that you have some get-together time once a day. Dinner is the perfect time for that. Is he 17?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been a problem for me as well. I think it comes down to issues with intimacy and feelings of vulnerability and respect.

You’ve bumped a nine year old thread. The OP has probably resolved this or divorced by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps he just doesn't realize how important this is to you OP.

Men can be quite clueless about things like this.

Why not talk to him directly and let him know that it is very important to you that he sits down with the family and eats dinner with you and the children every evening? If he knows it will mean something to you, he most likely will comply. I do not see why he wouldn't.

A lot of men are just too selfish, not too clueless about family.

How can a normal person think it's fine to not sit down with your family for dinner? It's one thing if you guys have no kids, but it's even more important if you do have kids.

Did he grow up in a broken home or something? Did he even want kids? Is he an otherwise engaged parent and spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait! Another perspective. My BIL never eats with his family, and always eats chips or other crappy food.

He was deemed a picky eater his entire life. It is disordered eating, and he knows it, and it embarrasses him. The New York Times even did wrote about adult picky eaters years ago, and it is truly a psychological issue.

My BIL will sit at the table while his family eats, and never ate the chips (usually covered in cheese) in front of his kids when they were small. But it takes an effort for him to even be around food he won't eat.

Sorry, OP - my sister has hated this for their whole marriage. And this isn't necessarily your DH's issue, but is it possible?

She didn't pick up on this when they were dating?

[Anonymous]

Whoa, dinner time is an important part of raising kids. You hear how the day went. You talk about current events. The kids learn manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, dinner time is an important part of raising kids. You hear how the day went. You talk about current events. The kids learn manners.

And he should be cooking sometimes. Perhaps he'd be less likely to forsake the meal he cooked himself in favor of chips.

[Anonymous]

My family has pretty much never done family dinners (due to some extreme circumstances with a special needs child) and I still think his behavior is appalling. We have figured out other ways to handle family time. It sounds like he has a lot of issues.

On the occasions we are able to pull together a family dinner, my husband would never refuse to participate.

[Anonymous]

Does he have misophonia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait! Another perspective. My BIL never eats with his family, and always eats chips or other crappy food.

He was deemed a picky eater his entire life. It is disordered eating, and he knows it, and it embarrasses him. The New York Times even did wrote about adult picky eaters years ago, and it is truly a psychological issue.

My BIL will sit at the table while his family eats, and never ate the chips (usually covered in cheese) in front of his kids when they were small. But it takes an effort for him to even be around food he won't eat.

Sorry, OP - my sister has hated this for their whole marriage. And this isn't necessarily your DH's issue, but is it possible?

She didn't pick up on this when they were dating?

So even though I posed the story about my BIL when this thread first appeared (2014 I think?), I'm still around. She knew about the disordered eating, but when they went out to dinner they always chose places where he could get something he liked. They didn't live together before getting married so they didn't share that many meals at home. Plus he agreed that it was important for him to be present for dinners with the kids, so he did, as I said, sit at the table. But the kids did notice as they got older than he wasn't actually eating with them. That wasn't ideal, especially since it made them think that they shouldn't have to eat the dinner mom cooked, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The men I know who did this ended up divorced.

+1
He doesn't want a family - he wants to be single. You are either in it or not. Dinner together may sound like a small thing, but when you become a family, you ideally want to spend time together, especially if you are been gone all day. It's a time to reconnect, not chill by yourself in front of the TV or phone or whatever.

BTDT. Sorry. (oh - and I'm divorced and ex has virtually no contact with me or the kids)

Sad, and I agree.

[Anonymous]

I didnt read whole thread but my dh also doesn’t eat with us. He goes into the guest room after work and “decompresses” and watches tv/the news while we eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, dinner time is an important part of raising kids. You hear how the day went. You talk about current events. The kids learn manners.

There are other times of day this can be done.

[Anonymous]

How was dinner before kids? Has it always been like that where you eat separately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait! Another perspective. My BIL never eats with his family, and always eats chips or other crappy food.

He was deemed a picky eater his entire life. It is disordered eating, and he knows it, and it embarrasses him. The New York Times even did wrote about adult picky eaters years ago, and it is truly a psychological issue.

My BIL will sit at the table while his family eats, and never ate the chips (usually covered in cheese) in front of his kids when they were small. But it takes an effort for him to even be around food he won't eat.

Sorry, OP - my sister has hated this for their whole marriage. And this isn't necessarily your DH's issue, but is it possible?

She didn't pick up on this when they were dating?

Not OP but my ex did this. We were long distance a lot of the time we were dating. We never spent every day together. I didn’t know.