Husband doesn't sit or eat with us for dinner

[Anonymous]

Wow, the responses are so great in helping me gain some perspective. I honestly didn't know how common/normal this was or not, even though I knew that *for me* it is feels very bad. It is true, we are working through issues, and I have talked to him a lot in therapy about how important this is to me. Even the therapist has pointed out how important it is and he will agree--he says. But in practice, I have to ask him nicely each night, again and again, and I either get his irritation at me for being a nag, or occasionally be will join us (sometimes begrudgingly though). So I've stopped asking because I also don't want him participating because I made him. I am just realizing that maybe he has different values and won't change. Maybe his actions are what I should be listening to, not what he tells me.

I still don't understand why it's such a drag for him, though. I like to understand where people are coming from, it usually helps me relate better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a kid I either ate alone or with my father. After my parents divorced I ate alone and my mother drank dinner if she was home or ate out. I told my now-husband that if we got married I'd be wanting to eat dinner with him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. We've been married five years, have two babies, and we always eat together unless one of us is traveling for work.

When you say she 'drank dinner' do you mean alcohol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the responses are so great in helping me gain some perspective. I honestly didn't know how common/normal this was or not, even though I knew that *for me* it is feels very bad. It is true, we are working through issues, and I have talked to him a lot in therapy about how important this is to me. Even the therapist has pointed out how important it is and he will agree--he says. But in practice, I have to ask him nicely each night, again and again, and I either get his irritation at me for being a nag, or occasionally be will join us (sometimes begrudgingly though). So I've stopped asking because I also don't want him participating because I made him. I am just realizing that maybe he has different values and won't change. Maybe his actions are what I should be listening to, not what he tells me.

I still don't understand why it's such a drag for him, though. I like to understand where people are coming from, it usually helps me relate better.

How is your therapy going? IT sounds like it may be such a drag for him because he doesn't really want to be in the marriage anymore. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - my family is not perfect, and we are definitely not perfect parents. We probably fail on some level everyday. BUT, we *try* to model good behavior and provide a stable home life for our kids.

For young kids, it is especially important to be a good role model. I know you know that. I don't mean to lecture. I see two things wrong here:

1. he doesn't value family meal time
2. he eats chips for dinner *in front of his kid*. This is not a bigger deal as #1, but if my kids saw their dad eating chips for dinner in front of the tv all the time, they'd be asking and wanting to do the same. I grew up with the tv on during dinner. I see the value of not having it on. We turn it off during dinner time.

Basically, he doesn't seem to think much about modeling good behavior around dinner/meals. Maybe that's how he grew up, so he thinks it's fine. Maybe he doesn't care. That's the obvious issue. Since you already stated you guys are in therapy, there are obviously other issues.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Not normal. We are a dual income home and we all have dinner together each night (unless sports interrupts that). Also, nobody is allowed to even get up until everyone is done. At least 3 nights a week we play cards after the table is clear.

[Anonymous]

Man here. I had this issue with DW about eating breakfast together on weekends mornings. Turns out she had this idea we'd eat together and make pancakes and so on. Meanwhile, I wanted to sleep in since most nights (including Friday nights) I get to bed at 2am or later due to work. I just didn't realize this was important to her. Dinner I'm always there, just breakfasts are tough for me.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a big family and had sit down at the table dinners every night. I carried that into my own family. Never forced just enforced.

My husband on the other hand had a different upbringing. He was only allowed to eat at certain times, at the table, never could watch tv while eating and when they did watch tv it had to be sitting straight up everyone in their place. The kids in his house never could bring snacks into the living room.

I do not remember one meal where Dad sat down with us but we could see him from the kitchen eating in the living room. I decided then it wasn't a big deal so we all started eating in the living room. At least we all ate together.

As for computers, phones, pads, that is a no no while eating.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I'd probably stop bringing chips into the house. Secondly if he's telling you in therapy that he knows its important and then won't follow through, it makes me wonder how hard he's really working on the bigger things and just what kind of commitment he has to you, your DD and the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I'd probably stop bringing chips into the house. Secondly if he's telling you in therapy that he knows its important and then won't follow through, it makes me wonder how hard he's really working on the bigger things and just what kind of commitment he has to you, your DD and the marriage.

OP here. This really gave me something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. I had this issue with DW about eating breakfast together on weekends mornings. Turns out she had this idea we'd eat together and make pancakes and so on. Meanwhile, I wanted to sleep in since most nights (including Friday nights) I get to bed at 2am or later due to work. I just didn't realize this was important to her. Dinner I'm always there, just breakfasts are tough for me.

Personally I think this a fine compromise. Let you sleep in. I'd vote for dinner together all the way.

[Anonymous]

I also wonder if you are eating late? Not that it excuses the behavior, but is he eating chips before dinner? If so, he may be hungry before dinner is prepared and doesn't feel like eating once it is on the table. Maybe moving dinner up a bit or a later lunch would help. Also, if he is busy with food prep he is less likely to be snacking before the meal. Does he ever help prepare dinner?

[Anonymous]

Wait! Another perspective. My BIL never eats with his family, and always eats chips or other crappy food.

He was deemed a picky eater his entire life. It is disordered eating, and he knows it, and it embarrasses him. The New York Times even did wrote about adult picky eaters years ago, and it is truly a psychological issue.

My BIL will sit at the table while his family eats, and never ate the chips (usually covered in cheese) in front of his kids when they were small. But it takes an effort for him to even be around food he won't eat.

Sorry, OP - my sister has hated this for their whole marriage. And this isn't necessarily your DH's issue, but is it possible?

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe not a deep answer here, but do you think his lack of interest in sitting down for a family dinner is because he is maybe lazy about having to cook dinner or clean up afterwards? He may be someone who does his work at work and then comes home and wants to do nothing but veg. If so, he may think that if he's not at the table, then he is off the hook for having to assemble the meal or help clean up after it. He also might see dinner time as his "me" time where the kid is occupied and being taken care of (by you) and he can do his own thing alone in another room.

Does he help with housework? Childcare? Does he have any other built in "alone time" during the day or evening? If not he may just have decided that dinner time will be his time out.

[Anonymous]

He needs to man up and be there. With an iPad/phone, it not like you are really in the room with someone. Kids learn by watching what you do.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were much younger and had very early bedtimes (like going to bed at 6:30 or 6:45, toddler years) we did not eat together as a family because DH just got home too late from work. So kids ate at like 5:15 and then DH and I would eat at around 7. As they got older and DH's hours have been better we now eat together 95% of the time. It makes a really big difference and it's a nice (and sometimes frustrating but still overall enjoyable) way to connect with each other as a family. When DH is not home for dinner- right now this is rare- I sometimes make dinner for the kids only and eat what I want later so we don't all sit together- the kids eat together and I eat later or standing.
I think this helps kids connect with parents, yes, but so much more. They learn about food and eating, table manners, we learn about each other. Next year my DH will be starting a new position where he will travel and be gone M-TH nights for dinner and I'm dreading that but we will just make family dinners a priority F, Sa, and Sun nights as best we can.