Has anyone had an affair with someone who turned out to be a better partner for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once asked if anyone is married to a soulmate but got few replies. It seems that most soulmates just managed to get away.

Lol! Nah, all "soulmates" are affair partners, don't you know?!

Let OP destroy her life and her kid's lives. She sounds deeply "in love".

I can start bets that this will ultimately end with one of them cheating again, and a bunch of kids bitter and in therapy.

Poor kids. That's all I can say.

[Anonymous]

He will leave HER high and dry and never leave his wife.

In a couple of months you will see her lamenting about it right here front and center.

Poor thing.

[Anonymous]

Much of this advice is fair, but honestly, I have read a fair number of these threads and I am convinced it is the same handful of people who always pull out the snarky comments. I do completely agree that one's judgment is impaired during an affair and that acting on these feelings would be incredibly complicated. But I also believe that most of us married folks go through times of great doubt, that many marriages will not last and that life is messy. Who are all these holier than thous and why do they always feel the need to weigh in for advice where it is not requested. (the question was: has this happened to anyone else).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

Just divorce you "sexless" and "affectionless" wife already.

How utterly pathetic you sound.

Grow a pair and divorceand get together with your AP.

Life's too short for all the lies, deception.

I bet your kids already sense or know you're checked out of your homelife.

Make it complete and start splitting custody. Sounds like you invest way more into you AP than your home life already. What a spineless loser.

Divorce already.

[Anonymous]

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt



Okay, serious question here. What are you waiting for? You have pretty much given up on your marriage and by having put all your emotional/sexual energy into another relationship, you are guaranteeing that you cannot improve your marriage. You seem to have no plans to end the affair and try to work on the marriage, so...what are you waiting for? what, now ,is going to minimize hurt? Are you waiting for the kids to get older? Because if you're sticking around only for that, its questionable whether that's a good idea. and if you have any shred of hope left for an amicable split and decent relationship with your kids, you should not be lying and having an affair. You s hold just get on with it. Finally, you're doing your spouse no favors by having an affair and not giving him/her the choice to leave or end the relationship. You are taking away all power from the spouse. so, who are you really protecting? only you.

the only way to 'minimize' hurt at this point is either 1) end the affair and work on your marriage or 2) end the affair, end your marriage and then do whatever the hell you want after you've been there for your family, kids, etc. But right now, you're pretty much doing everything to MAXIMIZE how much everyone will be hurt. Your family, your AP's family, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

Just divorce you "sexless" and "affectionless" wife already.

How utterly pathetic you sound.

Grow a pair and divorceand get together with your AP.

Life's too short for all the lies, deception.

I bet your kids already sense or know you're checked out of your homelife.

Make it complete and start splitting custody. Sounds like you invest way more into you AP than your home life already. What a spineless loser.

Divorce already.

Ms. Holy, if you have any reading skills, you should have read that they both have kids that they love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.

No. In my opinion, they want everything, and in this case, you cannot have everything. So, in order to have it, they keep the affair going.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

Just divorce you "sexless" and "affectionless" wife already.

How utterly pathetic you sound.

Grow a pair and divorceand get together with your AP.

Life's too short for all the lies, deception.

I bet your kids already sense or know you're checked out of your homelife.

Make it complete and start splitting custody. Sounds like you invest way more into you AP than your home life already. What a spineless loser.

Divorce already.

Ms. Holy, if you have any reading skills, you should have read that they both have kids that they love.

[Cassiopeia]

Anonymous wrote:

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt



Okay, serious question here. What are you waiting for? You have pretty much given up on your marriage and by having put all your emotional/sexual energy into another relationship, you are guaranteeing that you cannot improve your marriage. You seem to have no plans to end the affair and try to work on the marriage, so...what are you waiting for? what, now ,is going to minimize hurt? Are you waiting for the kids to get older? Because if you're sticking around only for that, its questionable whether that's a good idea. and if you have any shred of hope left for an amicable split and decent relationship with your kids, you should not be lying and having an affair. You s hold just get on with it. Finally, you're doing your spouse no favors by having an affair and not giving him/her the choice to leave or end the relationship. You are taking away all power from the spouse. so, who are you really protecting? only you.

the only way to 'minimize' hurt at this point is either 1) end the affair and work on your marriage or 2) end the affair, end your marriage and then do whatever the hell you want after you've been there for your family, kids, etc. But right now, you're pretty much doing everything to MAXIMIZE how much everyone will be hurt. Your family, your AP's family, etc.

I have to agree with this. If you're done with the marriage you should end it. If your wife and kids found out about the affair they would be devastated (and the kids would know, sooner or later). Possibly more hurt than by a divorce. The thing is, you don't want to hurt your family, but you already are doing that, they just don't know it yet. And even if she never finds out, how much does it hurt to be married to someone who doesn't love you? More than divorce? For kids to see their mom not loved by their dad? How much does it hurt your AP to know her best friend loves her, but not that much, not enough to change his life so that she can be part of it?

It feels noble and heals the moral trauma of an affair to say I'm staying for the kids. But consider whether the pp is right, that really you're doing what's best for you. You're not doing the right thing, you're doing the easy thing.

[Anonymous]

The PP and his AP will never be together because it means doing unsexy things like separating, divorcing, paying child support, working around visitation, taking a hit on expendable income while maintaining two houses, dealing with the exes, etc. Its so much more emotionally satisfying to carry on under the illusion that they have a great love for the ages but that they cannot be together. It's providing their boring lives with drama and intrigue and without that, their relationship would not be nearly as titillating to either one of them.

[Anonymous]

The OP could ask 100 different persons for their opinion and get 100 completely different answers. The fact is, there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. If the OP had a satisfying marriage for 99 years, something could happen in the 100th year that warrants a divorce, and the same holds true for any long-term relationship with this other person. So, instead of searching for guarantees, the OP should just do whatever makes happy: stay in the marriage; leave the marriage for this other person; or leave and stay single. Whichever of the three makes you happy then go for it!

The minute you begin doing a cost-benefit analysis or putting a price-tag on divorce, is the minute you start limiting your happiness to money, and holding yourself hostage emotionally. Equally, if you today were to get the 100% guarantee that your relationship with this other person will last, before you make the decision divorce and be with this person, then it means you were never willing to take the risk blindly with this person and could mean that this person only means 'so much' to you.

Choice is yours

[Anonymous]

Ugh my dad ruined his marriage with my mother over his "soulmate". He left my mom pregnant with their 3rd child (my youngest sister) and the other woman chickened out and decided not to leave her husband. We were ok because my mother is amazing. Life has been seriously downhill for him ever since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

If your marriage was so unhappy, why were you still in it when you met AP? Same for him? And can't you see that there was no way for your marriage to improve once you embarked upon an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The PP and his AP will never be together because it means doing unsexy things like separating, divorcing, paying child support, working around visitation, taking a hit on expendable income while maintaining two houses, dealing with the exes, etc. Its so much more emotionally satisfying to carry on under the illusion that they have a great love for the ages but that they cannot be together. It's providing their boring lives with drama and intrigue and without that, their relationship would not be nearly as titillating to either one of them.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

If your marriage was so unhappy, why were you still in it when you met AP? Same for him? And can't you see that there was no way for your marriage to improve once you embarked upon an affair?

I stayed with my DW because of the kids. My marriage had become a roommate/coparent relationship before my AP became involve in an affair. I suggested counselling and my DW was not interested. Everything is also my fault. I believe my DW is suffering from depression, but she will not get help. Whenever we have a discussion about our relationship... My DW lays out requirements that she expects from me.. And over time.. I make progress towards resolving them.. But she never makes an effort towards the areas I am concerned about. I realize that having an affair complicates the situation... But other than my kids...the last 2 years with her have been the great... Even though we do not get to spend that much time together. Having a close friend to talk with.. To share with... It is what we both have been missing.

From the outside... It must seem very easy to say that I have not tried to work on my marriage. But I have and I need to be careful not to provide too much detail that friends may be able to figure out who I am...