Has anyone had an affair with someone who turned out to be a better partner for them.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. The married guy with the married AP says that neither he nor his AP are the types to have an affair? Oh yes, I do believe she is your soul mate and everyone is better off, not just financially, with each of you staying married.

I love how you've spun this tale to make yourself the hero. You're actually doing this for your kids. Right.

[Anonymous]

OP, trust me when I say this...

It is so rare in the universe that anyone experiences the love, depth of understanding, sexual connection, kindness, and mutual empathy that you and your AP have found together. It's some kind of blessing from God or the universe that you found each other during this time of darkness and despair.

I can't believe how the fates work. It's amazing and surely some sort of sign.

Best of all, you can have your cake and eat it too. How cool is that?

[Anonymous]

I personally don't believe that people in affairs live in a fantasy world. It's more like living on a roller-coaster. Yes the experience is very intensive but there is nothing fancy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You live in a fantasy world.

Once you have to wash the sh&t stains out of his underwear while you both sink 40K into your respective custody battles, and he begins cheating on you...all will become clear

Ditto!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Yep, happening to me. I read once that affairs happen because two people meet deep, specific needs in each other. Hence the intensity of feeling. In my experience this is the case when the marriages are not just sexless but also emotionless. Not only is there no sex, but there's not even kissing or hugging.

I hadn't thought about the term "soulmate" since I was a teenager until I met this guy. I was drawn to him right away, and the more I knew about him the more I liked him. We have a lot of things in common, deep things, the same needs, the same way of showing love, the same childhood traumas.

It is true that in some affairs you only see one side of a person. But if you're communicating with someone every day you learn about them. There are affairs that are nothing more than appointments for sex, and there are affairs that are also friendships, where you hide nothing of yourself - on the contrary, you expose everything that you are to the other person because they want you to, they want to know everything about you and you them. These are relationships where you're both unfortunately already married.

Whether you want to upend your life to be with this person forever is a difficult decision. In my case we talk every day but we don't have physical contact.

I'm not sure if I believe in past lives or reincarnation, and I would be skeptical of "signs." I think "signs" are just things you pick up on because you're paying more attention to things that remind you of the AP. This quote is more what I feel a soulmate is, now that I'm older, although I don't agree it's too painful to live with them forever:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”


? Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Blah, blah, blah . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, trust me when I say this...

It is so rare in the universe that anyone experiences the love, depth of understanding, sexual connection, kindness, and mutual empathy that you and your AP have found together. It's some kind of blessing from God or the universe that you found each other during this time of darkness and despair.

I can't believe how the fates work. It's amazing and surely some sort of sign.

Best of all, you can have your cake and eat it too. How cool is that?

It is indeed remarkable that this very special person found the one other very special person that the universe created just for the purpose of this very special union. Signs and wonders abound here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You live in a fantasy world.

Once you have to wash the sh&t stains out of his underwear while you both sink 40K into your respective custody battles, and he begins cheating on you...all will become clear

Ditto!

This can be difficult for someone to understand, but not all people in affairs are serial cheaters. A person who has never cheated in 15 yrs of marriage can suddenly get into an affair. You met someone, the chemistry was instant, you first tried to resist it, but it was like hit by a bomb. Not trying to defend it but this is what happened.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really just need to divorce. Just get it over with, and see where it goes with the AP. But get that divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh sure. He seemed perfect for me. He was my soulmate. Then we both left our spouses and discovered all the things about each other that were hidden or downplayed during the affair-- like his heavy drinking habit and neediness, and my inability to communicate and stubborn need for solitude. We broke up.

You cannot clearly evaluate someone as a partner when you're in an affair.

Stubborn need for solitude. Did u get it after the breakup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post...

Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same...

My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair.
We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years.
We have both prayed for help with our marriage.
We both have kids that we love.

My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years.
My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else.
We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do...
We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively....
I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person.

We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us.

We want to be with each other.. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt.

\

Why start a new relationship before finishing up things in the old one? Did you think the affair was going to fix the problems in your marriage???? I don't understand why people get in affairs. If your marriage is really that miserable, just file the papers and move on already. It's going to hurt no matter how you do it, but I assure you the hurt will be far greater because you've injected another person in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You live in a fantasy world.

Once you have to wash the sh&t stains out of his underwear while you both sink 40K into your respective custody battles, and he begins cheating on you...all will become clear

Ditto!

This can be difficult for someone to understand, but not all people in affairs are serial cheaters. A person who has never cheated in 15 yrs of marriage can suddenly get into an affair. You met someone, the chemistry was instant, you first tried to resist it, but it was like hit by a bomb. Not trying to defend it but this is what happened.

+1 And will never do that shit again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh sure. He seemed perfect for me. He was my soulmate. Then we both left our spouses and discovered all the things about each other that were hidden or downplayed during the affair-- like his heavy drinking habit and neediness, and my inability to communicate and stubborn need for solitude. We broke up.

You cannot clearly evaluate someone as a partner when you're in an affair.

Stubborn need for solitude. Did u get it after the breakup?

Yes, along with feelings of near-suicidal guilt for about a year afterward, thanks for asking.

OP, you only hear what you want to hear, and are clearly only looking for stories that validate or justify your experience.
You'd be wise to listen to the good advice you've received.
But since you won't, good luck with the wreck your life is about to become.