Has anyone had an affair with someone who turned out to be a better partner for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You cannot clearly evaluate someone as a partner when you're in an affair.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh sure. He seemed perfect for me. He was my soulmate. Then we both left our spouses and discovered all the things about each other that were hidden or downplayed during the affair-- like his heavy drinking habit and neediness, and my inability to communicate and stubborn need for solitude. We broke up.

You cannot clearly evaluate someone as a partner when you're in an affair.

Is the first part true? The last paragraph I agree with wholeheartedly. The secrets needed for an affair create a brain chemistry "high" that makes the AP look more exciting, charming, sexy, and dynamic.

[Anonymous]

These posts always make me sad for some reason.

Two adults who cheat instead of trying to
Figure out how to fix things with their spouses, whom they made promises to and have children with.

It is so selfish and it's really sad.

The worst part, is the brain chemistry at work during an affair really does a number on your logic

Why would you want to leave your spouse for someone that cheated on their prior spouse? That is just a bright red flag that that person lacks integrity.

Please, divorce first. Then have the relationship

And know you are really screwing your kids over, for this chance at romance and "true love" (which we all know have very small chances of succeeding).

Sigh.

Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Yep, happening to me. I read once that affairs happen because two people meet deep, specific needs in each other. Hence the intensity of feeling. In my experience this is the case when the marriages are not just sexless but also emotionless. Not only is there no sex, but there's not even kissing or hugging.

I hadn't thought about the term "soulmate" since I was a teenager until I met this guy. I was drawn to him right away, and the more I knew about him the more I liked him. We have a lot of things in common, deep things, the same needs, the same way of showing love, the same childhood traumas.

It is true that in some affairs you only see one side of a person. But if you're communicating with someone every day you learn about them. There are affairs that are nothing more than appointments for sex, and there are affairs that are also friendships, where you hide nothing of yourself - on the contrary, you expose everything that you are to the other person because they want you to, they want to know everything about you and you them. These are relationships where you're both unfortunately already married.

Whether you want to upend your life to be with this person forever is a difficult decision. In my case we talk every day but we don't have physical contact.

I'm not sure if I believe in past lives or reincarnation, and I would be skeptical of "signs." I think "signs" are just things you pick up on because you're paying more attention to things that remind you of the AP. This quote is more what I feel a soulmate is, now that I'm older, although I don't agree it's too painful to live with them forever:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”


? Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, everyone who has an affair think that the affair partner is a better partner for them. That's why they're having the affair. Their wives or husbands never understand them, there's never any affection, etc.

Regarding all your spooky science, I offer you this cop:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias

+1 Sharp call.

[Anonymous]

If this is truly the case here, then it seems that this relationship goes so much deeper than simply an "affair." In fact, I don't see it as a typical "affair."

It sounds to me like there is some potential for a relationship here since you are connecting in other areas other than the bedroom.

The tough part is what to do about it.

Are you going to stay in your marriage(s) for the sake of the children, wait until they get older then get a divorce + be together then?

Or leave your respective marriage(s) now and be together?

Because from what you just told us, it doesn't sound like calling off the relationship is even an option.

[Anonymous]

So instead of stepping up and stepping in to the challenge of being a parent to young children and a solid partner for the mate you chose to have children with -

you've abandoned both them and your kids to go play?

You might deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be stupid.

This happened to a childhood friend of mine. Two kids. She married the guy she had an office affair with. Broke up two beautiful families.

The kids despise and resent the new spouse. The new spouses are not what they thought. Too late now. Two families are obliterated.

The spouses do not want to go through the pain of divorcing again. I guarantee (unfortunately) that this is not the end of their cheating.

If they do it with you, they will do it to you.

[Anonymous]

Cheated on my college boyfriend for several months with someone...we married 8 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on my college boyfriend for several months with someone...we married 8 years later.

Sooooooooo not the same thing, please keep your playground stories out of this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheated on my college boyfriend for several months with someone...we married 8 years later.

Sooooooooo not the same thing, please keep your playground stories out of this conversation.

Just trying to add another story/perspective. I get that it's not the same.

[Anonymous]

I think there's always situations in which people find they have married the wrong person. I think it's possible we make "the wrong choice" and marry a person who is not as suited to us as someone else could be. I DO NOT think you (objective you, not you personally) are able to see this in the midst of a rough patch in your marriage or an affair. You cannot rationally know whether your current partner is wrong for you or if the attractive potential partner is a good match when you're in this mindset. You can't separate everything appropriately.

I would separate myself from the affair partner. Work on my marriage and myself. If, after a TRULY HONEST attempt, those things could not be improved, I would consider divorce. Then, I would spend a period alone, not dating, just alone. Only after all that can you reasonably and accurately determine whether this other person (or any person) is your "better mate."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reluctant to use the word soulmate here but both of us came together in the strangest most unplanned in predictable way.
Both currently in sexless- unaffectionate marriages with young kids which is what makes divorce difficult.
Since meeting we've have a series of strange coincidences which are hard to ignore (like signs which I never believed in)
We've connected on so many levels and it is making us question everything in our lives.
Has this happened to others who have had affairs?
How did it turn out.
This is not just sex. We see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
It just seems like we are such better matches for each other than our spouses.

Of course you have a better connection with your affair partner than with your spouse - you are putting all of your emotional energy into that relationship, and none into your marriage.

Get you head out of you a$$ and work on your marriage - and yourself. You need therapy to help you find and correct this terrible character flaw.

[Anonymous]

I once asked if anyone is married to a soulmate but got few replies. It seems that most soulmates just managed to get away.

[Anonymous]

I will tell you what you want to hear. "Yes, the grass is greener on the other side..."

LOL