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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "Has anyone had an affair with someone who turned out to be a better partner for them. "
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[quote=Cassiopeia][quote=Anonymous][quote]Your post has several responses from people making several assumptions of facts that you have not mentioned in your post... Not all affairs are the same... Not all people are the same. Not all marriages are the same... My AP and I have tried to make our respective marriages "WORK" for several years before we even considered getting involved in an affair. We have both been in a sexless and in a affectionless marriage for over 10 years. We have both prayed for help with our marriage. We both have kids that we love. My AP and I have been seeing each other for over 2 years. My AP and I have become each other's closest friend. We talk every day... several times a day. If we have news.. we usually share it with each other before anyone else. We connect very well with each other and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses better than our respective spouses do... We are both not naïve kids. We have tried our best to examine our affair objectively.... I do not know enough about "SoulMates" to say that my AP is my "SoulMate". I just know that my AP is my best friend and she provides the constructive support that helps me be a better person. We do not hate our respective spouses because they are not bad people. They are just not the right spouse for us. We want to be with each other.[b]. but how do you efficiently end two marriages to be together while minimizing how much everyone will be hurt [/b] Okay, serious question here. What are you waiting for? You have pretty much given up on your marriage and by having put all your emotional/sexual energy into another relationship, you are guaranteeing that you cannot improve your marriage. You seem to have no plans to end the affair and try to work on the marriage, so...what are you waiting for? what, now ,is going to minimize hurt? Are you waiting for the kids to get older? Because if you're sticking around only for that, its questionable whether that's a good idea. and if you have any shred of hope left for an amicable split and decent relationship with your kids, you should not be lying and having an affair. You s hold just get on with it. Finally, you're doing your spouse no favors by having an affair and not giving him/her the choice to leave or end the relationship. You are taking away all power from the spouse. so, who are you really protecting? only you. the only way to 'minimize' hurt at this point is either 1) end the affair and work on your marriage or 2) end the affair, end your marriage and then do whatever the hell you want after you've been there for your family, kids, etc. But right now, you're pretty much doing everything to MAXIMIZE how much everyone will be hurt. Your family, your AP's family, etc. [/quote][/quote] I have to agree with this. If you're done with the marriage you should end it. If your wife and kids found out about the affair they would be devastated (and the kids would know, sooner or later). Possibly more hurt than by a divorce. The thing is, you don't want to hurt your family, but you already are doing that, they just don't know it yet. And even if she never finds out, how much does it hurt to be married to someone who doesn't love you? More than divorce? For kids to see their mom not loved by their dad? How much does it hurt your AP to know her best friend loves her, but not that much, not enough to change his life so that she can be part of it? It feels noble and heals the moral trauma of an affair to say I'm staying for the kids. But consider whether the pp is right, that really you're doing what's best for you. You're not doing the right thing, you're doing the easy thing. [/quote]
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