Reply to Popcorn Problem: how could this have been handled better?

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[quote=Anonymous]Where do I start.  I think you have to tread very carefully when asking for help so it doesn't come out as a command.  My DH normally jumps to do things when something spills or needs to be fixed.  I try to be aware and ask what do you need me to do to help him out or jump in and do it if I feel comfortable that it won't cause him more work.  When I am chauffeuring the kids around he will offer to help.  If help is not forthcoming but needed the best way to ask is to request help while you are handling something at the time ...with the person having the option to take over that task.  So for example, if DW was washing the dishes, she should said why she wasn't available to clean up the popcorn right then and given you the option of taking over the task keeping her from cleaning up the popcorn. " We need to cleanable up the popcorn so we don't get ants, do you want to finish up washing the dishes while I clean up the popcorn Or would you rather clean it up".  Then you can think, hmmm, I would just kick it in the grass and I bet that's not the way she wants it cleaned up,washing dishes is the better option for me OR being straightforward that you are in a rush to get the kids ready and out the door and if she cleans up the popcorn now, you will wash the dishes when you get back with the kids.

It was definitely not cool for her to demand you do something she could have done or said I hate you in front of the kids when it wasn't done.  I'm not sure if you were being passive agressive kicking the popcorn into the grass but I would think if that was the answer she would have said, could you move the popcorn off the side and kick it into the grass versus cleaning it up.  You should know if your wife is laid back about those birds/insects and food in the yard or would be hyper worried about the kids picking food up to eat off the ground.  So anyway, examine your motives, were you feeling like you had a schedule, didn't like the way she "asked" etc, and address it after the kids are asleep and own up to it or genuinely apologize if you really didn't know and didn't have any issues with her telling you what to do.  Call her on how she speaks to you in front of the kids when she is upset. She can be upset and frustrated but saying This is why I hate you in front if the kids no less, that will undermine the marriage and give the kids a bad example.  I talk to our kids all the time that they can't go from 0-60 yelling and saying I hate you (to us) because they are upset. If they do this at work, they will have no job.  If they do it to their friends, they will have no friends.  That you wouldn't want someone you are dating to speak to you that way and you don't see us (mom and dad) speak to each other that way.[/quote]

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