Serve spouse with divorce papers or ask for open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, OP. Just have an affair and make sure you don't get caught. You think it's fair to your children to leave your wife over lack of sex and passion when you can find that elsewhere without blowing up their life? You might just find that after you have an affair, you will be happier and more confident and your wife will start seeing you as desireable again.

On what planet is it more ethical to leave your wife and kids than having a discreet affair?

Totally and completely agree. Now my affair has run its course and I'm glad my family is still intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I rarely have sex because his temper has so damaged our intimacy. I just can't have sex with someone I don't feel close to, and I know that hurts him. At least for now, we've both decided to stay for the kids. I can't bear the thought of making them live between two houses and having to spend weekends and holidays without them. But if he divorced me or had a discreet affair that I didn't know about, I wouldn't blame him. In fact, it's possible he does have affairs that I don't know about. The open marriage thing is gross to me. Never.

Except your marriage might in fact be open. On his side only. That's not gross?

[Anonymous]

LOL I actually asked my ex hubby to have an open marriage since he was already going out all the time. I started going out and boy he couldn't handle it at all!

He hacked into my phone, my accounts, demanded me to come home etc etc etc.

I moved out a month later. Took me 2 years to wrap up the divorce but I am damn glad to be away from that narrastic controling emotionless shell of a man.

His new girlfriend can deal with that crap. Good luck to her!

[Anonymous]

Divorce. I could never be married to a man who fucked other women, even if sex life was dead. Rather be divorced.

[Anonymous]

Except you haven't tried marriage counseling. You need to actually discuss this with your wife in front of a trained third party. From, this post, it seems that you think you have the right to call the shots and leave your wife with your only two options. Don't be an asshole jerk. What do you think is her side of the story? If you don't know, you have a lot of work to do, my friend.

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: typical situation - kids came, sex life went down hill. Never recovered, I have tried the talk, toys, books, date night, nothing works. Don't want to live in a marriage without at least occasional sexual passion. So we need to split or open marriage. Problem is my DW will never agree to an open marriage willingly. She may grudgingly accept because she is a SAHM and may feel like she has no other options.

I think the ethical thing is to just serve the divorce papers and keep it civil since we have to raise kids. And if I do serve her with papers, do I owe her an explanation or can I say we just grew apart? I love her and want her to do well, but I fell out of romantic love with her over the years of our asexual marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. I could never be married to a man who fucked other women, even if sex life was dead. Rather be divorced.

OP here. I am pretty sure my wife would agree with you.

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Thanks for all the valuable input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. I could never be married to a man who fucked other women, even if sex life was dead. Rather be divorced.

OP here. I am pretty sure my wife would agree with you.

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Thanks for all the valuable input.

Sometimes the couples counseling is what it takes for her to realize what is happening. And she'll see that if things don't change in the relationship, that you are willing to divorce. This may be a wake up call that she needs because a lot of times, just having the DH telling the DW (or visa versa) that things aren't right.....doesn't mean they'll accept it.

Also, the counselor isn't going to just say SHE needs to do this or that. It will be a couples approach where both of you will have to make changes regardless of what you tried.

Counseling won't hurt and will be a last ditch effort to keep the family together. If she isn't willing to work on changing things, then you really have no choice if the current way of life is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

There seems to be a pattern of you making decisions for the both of you, or you thinking you know what is going on in your wife's mind. Have you asked her, and really talked with her in an open and CARING way, what she thinks about your marriage. Don't try to be a know-it-all. You MUST give your wife the option of going to couple's counseling instead of deciding unilaterally how the marriage is going to run. You must allow your wife to have a say in her marriage, too. You must acknowledge your wife's opinions in your marriage. Stop making decisions that will affect her without her.

It's not just your wife that needs the marriage counseling; frankly, it seems that you need to be able to take a good look at your own assumptions in your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. I could never be married to a man who fucked other women, even if sex life was dead. Rather be divorced.

OP here. I am pretty sure my wife would agree with you.

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Thanks for all the valuable input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I rarely have sex because his temper has so damaged our intimacy. I just can't have sex with someone I don't feel close to, and I know that hurts him. At least for now, we've both decided to stay for the kids. I can't bear the thought of making them live between two houses and having to spend weekends and holidays without them. But if he divorced me or had a discreet affair that I didn't know about, I wouldn't blame him. In fact, it's possible he does have affairs that I don't know about. The open marriage thing is gross to me. Never.

Awesome. So instead your kids are exposed to a father with a bad temper and a mother to bitterly takes it. I'm sure thry will grow up and be able to have very healthy relationships themselves. Lets just hope they are boys.

Why?

[Anonymous]

^^I'd rather my kid be the asshole than the kid who takes it in the asshole.

[Anonymous]

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Dude. You still don't get it. Couples counseling isn't to "put your wife in the mood". It's to repair a relationship that seems broken. Not surprising, reading your posts. Not trying to be an ass, but man does it sound like you don't respect your spouse.

Repaired/repairing relationship = happier spouse = increases likelihood of sex.

Clearer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. I could never be married to a man who fucked other women, even if sex life was dead. Rather be divorced.

OP here. I am pretty sure my wife would agree with you.

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Thanks for all the valuable input.

Couple of thoughts for you: one, do you understand what divorce entails in short and longterm for you & your kids? Second, is your wife emotionally strong enough to cope - would you be leaving your kids with some hollowed out shell of a person?

I don't think divorce does not make sense sometimes, but I also think folks sometimes imagine they're going to find the rainbow and rarely do. And you are consigning the kids to a lifetime of dual christmases, weird grandchild visits and all that stuff. I don't think you should be unbearably happy, but I would check the boxes of both individual and couples therapy.

Sometimes I've felt like I've been their and my own marriage and then things improved. So I've not walked in your shoes. I wish you and your family luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Dude. You still don't get it. Couples counseling isn't to "put your wife in the mood". It's to repair a relationship that seems broken. Not surprising, reading your posts. Not trying to be an ass, but man does it sound like you don't respect your spouse.

Repaired/repairing relationship = happier spouse = increases likelihood of sex.

Clearer?

It does not work that way.

I was low drive and it was not because my relationship was broken. My libido was broken. It happens.

Capisce?

[Anonymous]

OP You need to figure out what is wrong with you first. Couples usually stop having sex for other reasons. Do you have a temper?

[Anonymous]

I think OP is looking for an excuse to divorce and has no intention of trying to fix it.

Man up and call it what it is.