Serve spouse with divorce papers or ask for open marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the responses.

FWIW, I haven't tried counselling. I also know the huge problem with divorce, problems caused on children, finances, etc. If I wasn't afraid of the ramifications of divorce, this would be a no brainer.

I have made many MANY efforts to improve our sex life. Erotica, toys, vacations, etc. We have had many sex talks, repeat many, and they usually end with DW feeling bad that she isn't being a good wife. It still doesn't change though.

I have tried to be patient. Just wait until she is no longer pregnant. Now wait till she isn't breastfeeding. Now wait till they are walking. Or unitl they are in school. Nothing has changed. 6 of our 8 years of marriage have completely lacked passion.

I don't drink other than socially. I have no temper. DW is a great mom. We co-parent well. We are a good economic team and very comfortable financially. She is a great person. I wish her well. But the truth is the lack of initmacy has really caused me to fall out of love with her. Several people have raised excellent points - it doesn't appear that I really want to reconcile this now. You may be on to something because I do feel like I have checked out and I don't have the energy to try for the 43rd time to rekindle the love. They say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That sums it up.

If we didn't have kids, this would be so easy. The relationship, like many relationships has just run its course.

Thanks to all for kind thoughtful responses. Lots to consider under sober second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will meet someone new, settle down and they will tire of fucking on a daily basis too.

Also, if your wife doesn't have orgasms anymore, you are letting her down too, she just doesn't say it. When was the last time you took her away for a few days? You need to cultivate desire.

I am not saying you don't deserve to move on, but be honest with yourself about what lies on the other side of the first year or two of excitement of sleeping around.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for all the responses.

FWIW, I haven't tried counselling. I also know the huge problem with divorce, problems caused on children, finances, etc. If I wasn't afraid of the ramifications of divorce, this would be a no brainer.

I have made many MANY efforts to improve our sex life. Erotica, toys, vacations, etc. We have had many sex talks, repeat many, and they usually end with DW feeling bad that she isn't being a good wife. It still doesn't change though.

I have tried to be patient. Just wait until she is no longer pregnant. Now wait till she isn't breastfeeding. Now wait till they are walking. Or unitl they are in school. Nothing has changed. 6 of our 8 years of marriage have completely lacked passion.

I don't drink other than socially. I have no temper. DW is a great mom. We co-parent well. We are a good economic team and very comfortable financially. She is a great person. I wish her well. But the truth is the lack of initmacy has really caused me to fall out of love with her. Several people have raised excellent points - it doesn't appear that I really want to reconcile this now. You may be on to something because I do feel like I have checked out and I don't have the energy to try for the 43rd time to rekindle the love. They say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That sums it up.

If we didn't have kids, this would be so easy. The relationship, like many relationships has just run its course.

Thanks to all for kind thoughtful responses. Lots to consider under sober second thought.

Despite what some of these very angry responders have to say about you, you sound like a good guy.

Because of that, I think I'm going to go upstairs and make my DH feel desired. Sex is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

About the only actual legit advice offered thus far might be counseling (and I agree if OP has not tried that, it's worth a try).

Aside from all that, OP sounds like he is being completely honest with himself and with his wife.
The question of divorce or open marriage is a logical one to ask, so why is everybody flaming this guy?

OP should NOT feel guilted into a sexless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Bullshit!!
The kids are his for life: even if the marriage ends, he shares the kids 50/50 with ex wife.
Sex is an important part of life, and you wife has no right to force celibacy upon you.

OP, try counseling. If that's not getting anwhere, maybe bring up the open marriage concept within a counseling session.
It makes perfect sense to me that if open marriage would work for you, then wife should get to vote on this option.

PS, I was in a sexless marriage. Like OP, I tried everything. Including counseling. We had The Talk, which came down to these 3 options:
1) we repair our sexlessness
2) open marriage
3) divorce
So basically I have been where you are OP. She picked option 1, and with the help of counseling, we have stayed happily married with regular sex (couple times per week) for the past 10 years.

How long have you been reading these boards? This are the biggest group of sexist hags you will ever meet. It is no wonder most people are miserable on here.

I think the issue here is that you assume every response you don't like is from a woman. That's a stupid assumption. I've left relationships with low drive men and women. It's not a he vs she issue.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't believe how truly bad it is. Period.

Married my soulmate 17 years ago. Totally hot stuff. Very compatible , loving--put off having kids. We had some kinky adventures. We had the kids 6-7 years into marriage and I went into mom-mode. Passion slowly faded over the years. I just figured it was normal and we come back. We still had sec weekly but my libido was bottomed out. I wasn't into it. Whenever we had drinks together thus past year he told me we had to change something much like you feel. I was angry too and basically felt like 'grow the fuck up '. Things came to a head when he stayed out one night .

We immediately went to counseling together and blew the kid off everything. I had desires , anger, longings I ALS had repressed. We had become more like roommates and barely had loving exchanges. The minute we started talking the emotions started coming back. That first week we had wild sex constantly and felt so close. We started really listening and making loving gestures. The counselor worked with us to understand where things started to decay. It's only been 2 months and we have been moved to monthly appointments--started twice a week first week, then weekly, biweekly and now monthly.

Marriage is the best it's been in ages. Kids are 6 and. 9.

We are now planning to meet a woman for a night of fun.

Communicate. It sounds, like me , your wife doesn't realize how dire the situation has become. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

About the only actual legit advice offered thus far might be counseling (and I agree if OP has not tried that, it's worth a try).

Aside from all that, OP sounds like he is being completely honest with himself and with his wife.
The question of divorce or open marriage is a logical one to ask, so why is everybody flaming this guy?

OP should NOT feel guilted into a sexless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Bullshit!!
The kids are his for life: even if the marriage ends, he shares the kids 50/50 with ex wife.
Sex is an important part of life, and you wife has no right to force celibacy upon you.

OP, try counseling. If that's not getting anwhere, maybe bring up the open marriage concept within a counseling session.
It makes perfect sense to me that if open marriage would work for you, then wife should get to vote on this option.

PS, I was in a sexless marriage. Like OP, I tried everything. Including counseling. We had The Talk, which came down to these 3 options:
1) we repair our sexlessness
2) open marriage
3) divorce
So basically I have been where you are OP. She picked option 1, and with the help of counseling, we have stayed happily married with regular sex (couple times per week) for the past 10 years.

How long have you been reading these boards? This are the biggest group of sexist hags you will ever meet. It is no wonder most people are miserable on here.

I think the issue here is that you assume every response you don't like is from a woman. That's a stupid assumption. I've left relationships with low drive men and women. It's not a he vs she issue.

These boards are heavily dominated by women. I'm a woman you are responding to, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

That's not what is being said. People are telling him to make some reasonable attempt at fixing his marriage before walking away.

He just needs to be honest with himself and not shove all the blame onto his wife. If sex is important to him - WHY did he marry a woman who is practically asexual, not interested, no can do. And then why would he then suspect this same woman, who pretty much has no sex drive, is having an affair...actually cheating on him.

Something is wrong with this story. There are missing pieces here, lots of them. Op has chosen to share what he wants to share and I suppose that's his call.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more upset by a request for an open marriage than I would be by divorce papers.
--a happily divorced 42 y.o.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's tired/overwhelmed with the childcare, maintaining the household--offer to help and/or get her assistance. Also, depending on her age, it could be related to her age; maybe she'd talk to her doctor about hormone replacement therapy.

[Anonymous]

^ related to menopause

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more upset by a request for an open marriage than I would be by divorce papers.
--a happily divorced 42 y.o.

No way in hell would I grant an open marriage. However, early in our marriage DH and I had some FFM threesomes (no penetration of other woman) and we both were ok with that. Flash forward after 9 years of raising kids and deflation of passion (together 18 years)...I am up for opening that door. We both are not comfortable with another dude or anything happening without us BOTH bring there. I ( the married woman) set the boundaries and nobody in our social circle, prior relationship , etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's tired/overwhelmed with the childcare, maintaining the household--offer to help and/or get her assistance. Also, depending on her age, it could be related to her age; maybe she'd talk to her doctor about hormone replacement therapy.

Yep, all of those are possible reasons that she might have.
It's also possible she's sexually lazy.
We don't know her reasons, and neither does he.
Without knowing there is not much he can do to change the situation.
At some point of her withholding sex and offering no real reason or apparent willingness to work towards a solution, it really does not matter why.

I think his escalation of the issue (divorce or open marriage) might at least get her attention.
Maybe then she'll explain why. Or maybe they've both already checked out.
Regardless at least he can be sure that SOME change is in the near future.
That sounds much better than status quo sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

While it may just be the statistical odds of getting divorced, but I find it notable that the five people I personally know who had threesomes or open marriages all divorced within two years of this "solution".
So, definitely a small sample and one can expect that 50% of their friends would divorce anyway, but these women were shocked and devastated by their divorces in a way that I had never seen before. It's left me suspicious that polyamory is the cure for an ailing marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

About the only actual legit advice offered thus far might be counseling (and I agree if OP has not tried that, it's worth a try).

Aside from all that, OP sounds like he is being completely honest with himself and with his wife.
The question of divorce or open marriage is a logical one to ask, so why is everybody flaming this guy?

OP should NOT feel guilted into a sexless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Bullshit!!
The kids are his for life: even if the marriage ends, he shares the kids 50/50 with ex wife.
Sex is an important part of life, and you wife has no right to force celibacy upon you.

OP, try counseling. If that's not getting anwhere, maybe bring up the open marriage concept within a counseling session.
It makes perfect sense to me that if open marriage would work for you, then wife should get to vote on this option.

PS, I was in a sexless marriage. Like OP, I tried everything. Including counseling. We had The Talk, which came down to these 3 options:
1) we repair our sexlessness
2) open marriage
3) divorce
So basically I have been where you are OP. She picked option 1, and with the help of counseling, we have stayed happily married with regular sex (couple times per week) for the past 10 years.

How long have you been reading these boards? This are the biggest group of sexist hags you will ever meet. It is no wonder most people are miserable on here.

I think the issue here is that you assume every response you don't like is from a woman. That's a stupid assumption. I've left relationships with low drive men and women. It's not a he vs she issue.

Sorry but being bi-sexual is a major relationship issue and isn't the normal experience.

[Anonymous]

My relationships don't count? I didn't know Ann Coulter posted here. Seriously, you should grow up.