Serve spouse with divorce papers or ask for open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is looking for an excuse to divorce and has no intention of trying to fix it.

Man up and call it what it is.

Yup. I bet he doesn't want to try marriage counseling because he doesn't want to hear what his wife has to say. Either that or he digs having the element of surprise in serving her divorce papers.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

OP You need to figure out what is wrong with you first. Couples usually stop having sex for other reasons. Do you have a temper? Are you selfish? How is your family? Do you drink too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Dude. You still don't get it. Couples counseling isn't to "put your wife in the mood". It's to repair a relationship that seems broken. Not surprising, reading your posts. Not trying to be an ass, but man does it sound like you don't respect your spouse.

Repaired/repairing relationship = happier spouse = increases likelihood of sex.

Clearer?

It does not work that way.

I was low drive and it was not because my relationship was broken. My libido was broken. It happens.

Capisce?

Actually it often works that way. Effort and discussion elucidate all kinds of info, including the fact that someone's libido is "broken". If OP involved his wife in the process, he might figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Dude. You still don't get it. Couples counseling isn't to "put your wife in the mood". It's to repair a relationship that seems broken. Not surprising, reading your posts. Not trying to be an ass, but man does it sound like you don't respect your spouse.

Repaired/repairing relationship = happier spouse = increases likelihood of sex.

Clearer?

It does not work that way.

I was low drive and it was not because my relationship was broken. My libido was broken. It happens.

Capisce?

Actually it often works that way. Effort and discussion elucidate all kinds of info, including the fact that someone's libido is "broken". If OP involved his wife in the process, he might figure that out.

Actually, I can assure you that hormones play a huge role. Ot is actually quite normal. It is also a major reason for divorce. Look it up.

I speak from experience. I did not WANT to have no drive. My DH was a great husband. However, one should not have to take a vow of celibacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am considering individual counselling to make sure this is really what I want. I don't want to blow up the family home if I can avoid it. Couples counselling seems pointless, no? I can't imagine it is going to put DW in the mood if she is being told that her marriage depends on it. I would rather masturbate than have sex with an unwilling spouse.

Dude. You still don't get it. Couples counseling isn't to "put your wife in the mood". It's to repair a relationship that seems broken. Not surprising, reading your posts. Not trying to be an ass, but man does it sound like you don't respect your spouse.

Repaired/repairing relationship = happier spouse = increases likelihood of sex.

Clearer?

It does not work that way.

I was low drive and it was not because my relationship was broken. My libido was broken. It happens.

Capisce?

Actually it often works that way. Effort and discussion elucidate all kinds of info, including the fact that someone's libido is "broken". If OP involved his wife in the process, he might figure that out.

Actually, I can assure you that hormones play a huge role. Ot is actually quite normal. It is also a major reason for divorce. Look it up.

I speak from experience. I did not WANT to have no drive. My DH was a great husband. However, one should not have to take a vow of celibacy.

You and PP are making the same point from different angles.

OP: There's a reason. Low drive, unhappiness, stress, depression, medical issues, you sucking in bed, old resentments... There's a cause. Find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I rarely have sex because his temper has so damaged our intimacy. I just can't have sex with someone I don't feel close to, and I know that hurts him. At least for now, we've both decided to stay for the kids. I can't bear the thought of making them live between two houses and having to spend weekends and holidays without them. But if he divorced me or had a discreet affair that I didn't know about, I wouldn't blame him. In fact, it's possible he does have affairs that I don't know about. The open marriage thing is gross to me. Never.

You say that his temper is to blame for you withholding sex.
I would bet my car that HE says that you withholding sex is to blame for his temper.
I would bet my other car that he IS having an affair.

[Anonymous]

You married a woman who maybe, in a good year, has sex twice a year - and even then is a specialist as far as what she will do. Yet, this same (practically asexual) woman "might" have had an affair outside her marriage?

Does that sound right?

[Anonymous]

I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

About the only actual legit advice offered thus far might be counseling (and I agree if OP has not tried that, it's worth a try).

Aside from all that, OP sounds like he is being completely honest with himself and with his wife.
The question of divorce or open marriage is a logical one to ask, so why is everybody flaming this guy?

OP should NOT feel guilted into a sexless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Bullshit!!
The kids are his for life: even if the marriage ends, he shares the kids 50/50 with ex wife.
Sex is an important part of life, and you wife has no right to force celibacy upon you.

OP, try counseling. If that's not getting anwhere, maybe bring up the open marriage concept within a counseling session.
It makes perfect sense to me that if open marriage would work for you, then wife should get to vote on this option.

PS, I was in a sexless marriage. Like OP, I tried everything. Including counseling. We had The Talk, which came down to these 3 options:
1) we repair our sexlessness
2) open marriage
3) divorce
So basically I have been where you are OP. She picked option 1, and with the help of counseling, we have stayed happily married with regular sex (couple times per week) for the past 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

That's not what is being said. People are telling him to make some reasonable attempt at fixing his marriage before walking away.

[Anonymous]

What did you ever see in her, OP? You married her and then had kids with her. Do you not love her? Get some perspective. I know going without sex can drive people batty, but do you love your kids or her? You don't destroy a family just like that.

Don't just serve her with papers. Talk to her. Give her some options. See a counselor together. If she's not interested in sex anymore, and won't do anything about that, then present her with the options that you see others just for sex or you divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

That's not what is being said. People are telling him to make some reasonable attempt at fixing his marriage before walking away.

+1. From the perspective of a child of divorce, please take the high ground and don't have an affair. As other's have said, get a professional involved in helping both of you repair the relationship and if that doesn't work, divorce knowing that you really tried to fix the marriage. I'm definitely not saying you should stay in a sexless marriage by any means. I think lots of people are saying there is a reason, it could be medical, it could be performance, it could be the emotional connection is gone, it could be exhaustion, we have no idea and neither does OP. If OP had written either that wife refused to go to counseling to help work on the relationship or had gone and refused to make any changes, then I think there would have been different advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

That's not what is being said. People are telling him to make some reasonable attempt at fixing his marriage before walking away.

+1. From the perspective of a child of divorce, please take the high ground and don't have an affair. As other's have said, get a professional involved in helping both of you repair the relationship and if that doesn't work, divorce knowing that you really tried to fix the marriage. I'm definitely not saying you should stay in a sexless marriage by any means. I think lots of people are saying there is a reason, it could be medical, it could be performance, it could be the emotional connection is gone, it could be exhaustion, we have no idea and neither does OP. If OP had written either that wife refused to go to counseling to help work on the relationship or had gone and refused to make any changes, then I think there would have been different advice.

Read his post again.
You are ignoring the fact he already HAS made some reasonable attempt to fix his marriage over a period of years.
You think he had a few bad weeks of low sex and has escalated right to divorce?!?
In 4 pages here, the only practical advice that he did not specifically mention is counseling.
It's quite possible he's already tried that too (but did not explicitly say so).
I've already agreed that counseling is worth a shot.

But even the previous 2 posters aren't saying a single useful thing, just more fluffy "fix your marriage for the kids" posts.
Please explain exactly what the hell does that even mean?
Read the OP post, and give this man some actual practical advice!

Meanwhile at least I offered OP some actual advice from first hand experience.
Calling all fluffy-stay-for-the-kids posters: how about some real world advice?

[Anonymous]

OP's list of attemps at repair is hardly exhaustive. If he wants out, he should call it that and move forward. The issues he's talking about have potential for repair.

I won't stay in a sexless relationship, but I'd try harder than OP is trying if I had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

About the only actual legit advice offered thus far might be counseling (and I agree if OP has not tried that, it's worth a try).

Aside from all that, OP sounds like he is being completely honest with himself and with his wife.
The question of divorce or open marriage is a logical one to ask, so why is everybody flaming this guy?

OP should NOT feel guilted into a sexless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Bullshit!!
The kids are his for life: even if the marriage ends, he shares the kids 50/50 with ex wife.
Sex is an important part of life, and you wife has no right to force celibacy upon you.

OP, try counseling. If that's not getting anwhere, maybe bring up the open marriage concept within a counseling session.
It makes perfect sense to me that if open marriage would work for you, then wife should get to vote on this option.

PS, I was in a sexless marriage. Like OP, I tried everything. Including counseling. We had The Talk, which came down to these 3 options:
1) we repair our sexlessness
2) open marriage
3) divorce
So basically I have been where you are OP. She picked option 1, and with the help of counseling, we have stayed happily married with regular sex (couple times per week) for the past 10 years.

How long have you been reading these boards? This are the biggest group of sexist hags you will ever meet. It is no wonder most people are miserable on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see alot of accusatory responses on here, calling the OP various names (shitty, jerk, selfish, ass, etc), making excuses for the wife, and basically telling OP to just suck it up and stay miserable in a sexless marriage.
OP, please ignore all those responses!!!

About the only actual legit advice offered thus far might be counseling (and I agree if OP has not tried that, it's worth a try).

Aside from all that, OP sounds like he is being completely honest with himself and with his wife.
The question of divorce or open marriage is a logical one to ask, so why is everybody flaming this guy?

OP should NOT feel guilted into a sexless marriage "for the sake of the kids". Bullshit!!
The kids are his for life: even if the marriage ends, he shares the kids 50/50 with ex wife.
Sex is an important part of life, and you wife has no right to force celibacy upon you.

OP, try counseling. If that's not getting anwhere, maybe bring up the open marriage concept within a counseling session.
It makes perfect sense to me that if open marriage would work for you, then wife should get to vote on this option.

PS, I was in a sexless marriage. Like OP, I tried everything. Including counseling. We had The Talk, which came down to these 3 options:
1) we repair our sexlessness
2) open marriage
3) divorce
So basically I have been where you are OP. She picked option 1, and with the help of counseling, we have stayed happily married with regular sex (couple times per week) for the past 10 years.

Low drive woman here. I think this sounds completely reasonable -- and involves you actually talking with your wife rather than issuing a decision.

Here, I'll flow chart it for you.

1. You are unhappy without sex. Does she care? Y/N

If N, divorce, because she doesn't care if you're unhappy and that's mean. If Y, proceed.

2. Is she willing to work with you to improve your sex life? This doesn't mean just her putting out -- it means working together to find out what gets her in the mood and what she does and doesn't mind doing when she's not in the mood. Y/N

If Y, yay! Good luck and keep trying and enlist the help of a professional if need be.

If N, proceed.

3. Is she willing to accept an open marriage?

If Y, yay! As long as it works for both of you, who cares if it's unconventional?

If N, divorce because you two are truly incompatible. But at least you tried.