Serve spouse with divorce papers or ask for open marriage?

[Anonymous]

You will meet someone new, settle down and they will tire of fucking on a daily basis too.

Also, if your wife doesn't have orgasms anymore, you are letting her down too, she just doesn't say it. When was the last time you took her away for a few days? You need to cultivate desire.

I am not saying you don't deserve to move on, but be honest with yourself about what lies on the other side of the first year or two of excitement of sleeping around.

[Anonymous]

MarriedManHunting wrote:
I've lived thru your situation. Coming up on 60 now. Except my wife never had much of a libido before the first child. Kept telling me she would get better. I felt she was just lying to me. Sex normally 2x a yr, once went 2 yrs without sex. Never a BJ in marriage. Never let me live one of my fantasies. Never one pg sex nite, etc etc. I tried everything you did and more, including couseling.
Bottom line ........... no way in hell I was going to leave my kids, period.
I was faithful all those yrs, even though I think she had one affair. Simply because I didn't want her to have an excuse to take the kids.

Her libido didn't pick up in the 40s. Sure, blame it mostly on the husband. You've no idea the pain I went thru. I'm sorry man, I know it's tough.

In hindsight do I wished I divorced. NO. My kids are the most important thing in the World. Not everyone feels as me though. You'll have to make your own decision.

You are a stand up guy!

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why OP is asking us and not his wife this question. Maybe a lack of communication is the issue here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: typical situation - kids came, sex life went down hill. Never recovered, I have tried the talk, toys, books, date night, nothing works. Don't want to live in a marriage without at least occasional sexual passion. So we need to split or open marriage. Problem is my DW will never agree to an open marriage willingly. She may grudgingly accept because she is a SAHM and may feel like she has no other options.

I think the ethical thing is to just serve the divorce papers and keep it civil since we have to raise kids. And if I do serve her with papers, do I owe her an explanation or can I say we just grew apart? I love her and want her to do well, but I fell out of romantic love with her over the years of our asexual marriage.

You need to say this to your wife, just like you said it here. That way you aren't issuing an ultimatum, you are leveling with her.

See what she says. Ask her to see a doctor about her libido issues. Ask her to try Wellbutrin or testosterone for her libido issues. Ask her if she is willing to attend a tantra class with you. Ask her to go to counseling. Ask her to do a weekend at the Gottman Institute. in Seattle. Maybe something will work.

If it doesn't, at least you tried.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced for the same reason. I'm 45 now and married with kids, and all I think about when I visualize my dad leaving my mom with 2 little kids in 1970 is, selfish selfish selfish.

Selfish.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you give your wife the the choice of divorce papers or an open marriage, you aren't giving her a choice at all. You're telling her you're leaving, and just asking her to decide how you do it, and accept the responsibility. That way, when she's miserable (either with an open marriage or being divorced), then it's not your fault. Because it was her choice, right?

That's a seriously weak move.

When you say "nothing works", I noticed that counseling wasn't in there with date nights and sex toys.

PP was right on that you've likely reduced much larger problems to an "I just don't get sex" issue. I have no doubt that you're not getting sex. I also have no doubt that there's more to the story.

The fact that you think serving your DW with divorce papers is the ethical thing to do, and wonder if you owe her an explanation, speaks volumes.

Get some counseling man, for yourself first, then the two of you. That, my friend, is the ethical thing to do. And if it doesn't work? Mazeltov and move on in life. But without that effort, don't kid yourself that you tried.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, OP. Just have an affair and make sure you don't get caught. You think it's fair to your children to leave your wife over lack of sex and passion when you can find that elsewhere without blowing up their life? You might just find that after you have an affair, you will be happier and more confident and your wife will start seeing you as desireable again.

On what planet is it more ethical to leave your wife and kids than having a discreet affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, OP. Just have an affair and make sure you don't get caught. You think it's fair to your children to leave your wife over lack of sex and passion when you can find that elsewhere without blowing up their life? You might just find that after you have an affair, you will be happier and more confident and your wife will start seeing you as desireable again.

On what planet is it more ethical to leave your wife and kids than having a discreet affair?

WTF

You think it is better to have an affair instead of leaving?

People are fucked these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced for the same reason. I'm 45 now and married with kids, and all I think about when I visualize my dad leaving my mom with 2 little kids in 1970 is, selfish selfish selfish.

Selfish.

Gross that your parents shared.

My parents divorced and I'm grateful that nobody unloaded their dirty laundry on me. Kids aren't your best friend.

Good luck in finding peace with your upbringing.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people who say suck it up are the low/no drive partners in the relationship.

I've had a monogamous relationship with my DH for 17years. We have 2 children under 8 yrs old, we both work full time and both exercise daily. We still find time for sex at least 3 days a week. When things got stale, we got creative...making home movies, watching porn, and tryingsome BDSM. IIt's bullshit that passion dies. Passion dies when you are mismatched from the start or if someone significantly changes.

I firmly believe thay sex is is pillar of a marriage and with holding is abandoning the marriage. I say give her the option. Either make an effort, open the marriage, or move on. Sex is only unimportant when it is unimportant to BOTH parties. Personally, if I had no drive, I think I'd prefer an open marriage. I would not hold my husbands balls hostage.

[Anonymous]

As someone who grew up in a household where my parents were essentially roommates - try couples counselling and if that doesn't work then go the legal route and divorce her. By the time I was 7 I knew my parents didn't have the same type of relationship that my friends parents did: they were always civil to one another but rarely affectionate, they had different social groups and only went out together when they needed to play the supportive spouse, and just generally lived separate lives. By the time I was in middle school there was definitely a good amount of resentment in their relationship. As an adult I wish they would have just had an amicable divorce and allowed each other the possibility to find happiness with other people.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I rarely have sex because his temper has so damaged our intimacy. I just can't have sex with someone I don't feel close to, and I know that hurts him. At least for now, we've both decided to stay for the kids. I can't bear the thought of making them live between two houses and having to spend weekends and holidays without them. But if he divorced me or had a discreet affair that I didn't know about, I wouldn't blame him. In fact, it's possible he does have affairs that I don't know about. The open marriage thing is gross to me. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I rarely have sex because his temper has so damaged our intimacy. I just can't have sex with someone I don't feel close to, and I know that hurts him. At least for now, we've both decided to stay for the kids. I can't bear the thought of making them live between two houses and having to spend weekends and holidays without them. But if he divorced me or had a discreet affair that I didn't know about, I wouldn't blame him. In fact, it's possible he does have affairs that I don't know about. The open marriage thing is gross to me. Never.

Awesome. So instead your kids are exposed to a father with a bad temper and a mother to bitterly takes it. I'm sure thry will grow up and be able to have very healthy relationships themselves. Lets just hope they are boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you give your wife the the choice of divorce papers or an open marriage, you aren't giving her a choice at all. You're telling her you're leaving, and just asking her to decide how you do it, and accept the responsibility. That way, when she's miserable (either with an open marriage or being divorced), then it's not your fault. Because it was her choice, right?

That's a seriously weak move.

When you say "nothing works", I noticed that counseling wasn't in there with date nights and sex toys.

PP was right on that you've likely reduced much larger problems to an "I just don't get sex" issue. I have no doubt that you're not getting sex. I also have no doubt that there's more to the story.

The fact that you think serving your DW with divorce papers is the ethical thing to do, and wonder if you owe her an explanation, speaks volumes.

Get some counseling man, for yourself first, then the two of you. That, my friend, is the ethical thing to do. And if it doesn't work? Mazeltov and move on in life. But without that effort, don't kid yourself that you tried.

^^ THIS.

Good freaking advice. I hope OP takes it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like an @ss.