Help Me with Being One and Done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you are on the young side, maybe take several years off from trying. That might give your body and finances time to recover from any issues. It doesn't mean you can't try again in say five years or something like that.

Good suggestion, but I'm not that young. I'm 33, and DH is 38. I just don't feel like I'm old enough for my eggs to be crapping out but they are. The RE said time is of the essence, but we're too cash-strapped.

You put way too much trust into what your RE is saying. The science is just at the point where they could pronounce on stuff like that with any kind of certainty. My own RE pressured me to use donor eggs for #2. I am 40 weeks pregnant on my own now. Not saying it will happen to you, but really, nobody knows.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine had 3 kids and later adopted two young boys from Ethiopia. She is a pediatric AIDS nurse so you know she is already a very special person. They went back to visit the village they were from, and met some relatives and nuns who worked at the orphanage. They live in grass roofed huts. She took a picture that shows the boys' older brother still in Ethiopia standing next to one of them. Due to better nutrition and conditions, he looks like a well fed giant next to them. Her Facebook posts are full of joy and family togetherness.
OK so all I am saying is, don't count out the possibility of a larger family just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine had 3 kids and later adopted two young boys from Ethiopia. She is a pediatric AIDS nurse so you know she is already a very special person. They went back to visit the village they were from, and met some relatives and nuns who worked at the orphanage. They live in grass roofed huts. She took a picture that shows the boys' older brother still in Ethiopia standing next to one of them. Due to better nutrition and conditions, he looks like a well fed giant next to them. Her Facebook posts are full of joy and family togetherness.
OK so all I am saying is, don't count out the possibility of a larger family just yet.

Skimmed this without reading carefully and was AMAZED that they had Facebook in the grass huts

[Anonymous]

I may be in a similar place as you. We have a wonderful 14 week old. It took a major surgery, several other procedures and IVF to get her here. We are very grateful to have her. I would like to have another in an ideal world, but I don't think we can afford it. It does not help when I have people like my BIL's wife telling me that we new to have another so our child 'won't be miserable' like their only child; nice, right? I didn't get married until I was 36 and will be 39 in a month. Time and money are not on my side.

I don't have any great advice for you. Just would like you to feel like you're not alone. I appreciate your post and all of the encouragement provided by the PPs. I'm going to try to take some of it to heart .

[Anonymous]

I also had multiple chemical pregnancies and I'm also 33. I never once thought it was my eggs, since my miscarriages and chemical pregnancies started many years ago.

I ended up having implantation dysfunction, which not all doctors believe in, but to each his own. Anyway once I had treatment for this, I was able to have back to back successful pregnancies after multiple losses at a young age, without ART. Might be worth a shot or maybe some of the tips others have mentioned will help you.

[Anonymous]

I'm very practical and if I wanted to try for more via IVF, I'd look
For an employer in Maryland that provides IVF coverage - they have it mandated there too. If you just want to stop (and no one woukd blame you) I'd find a therapist bc it is grief albeit in a different form - it's the death if the life you thought you woukd have. That said I got pregnant with an fsh of 27 and amh below one - and have has 2 dds since - big big hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard somewhere -- maybe in an interview with a photographer -- this advice that he received from an old woman. She said, when her husband was dying she sat at his bedside and cried. She asked him, "How will I ever live without you?" And he said, "Take the love you have for me and spread it around."

You have a lot of love in you. Spread it around.

This is the best advice I have ever read on DCUM. I was tearing up when I read it.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I'm in a similar boat. I always wanted 3 kids, and never imagined life without at least 2. But, a few months ago I was diagnosed with an abdominal tumor requiring surgery and reconstruction. Another pregnancy could carry a myriad of complications, and is not a good idea.

I think the only real solution for you is time. When I first got the news I was in extreme denial. Looked into adoption, surrogacy, and basically just figured it would work out somehow. I also completely lost perspective. Before all this happened I could have listed a dozen good things about an only child. Suddenly I could find nothing, and felt like I had ruined my DC's life because she would be an only. I truly imagined her growing up and hating me for it, telling me she never wanted to speak to me again. Also, I kept obsessing about bizarre details - like how when we go to theme parks most of the rides are 2 people to a row, so someone will always have to sit alone.

Time has helped. I was conveniently already in therapy for post-partum anxiety, and it was very helpful to have someone to talk to (especially as my DH is more content with the idea of one, and hasn't taken the news as hard as I have). So I definitely think it's worth going to see a therapist. It was most helpful for me in regaining my perspective.

Ultimately, though, the best thing was letting go of the possibilities (adoption, surrogacy, going through with a pregnancy anyway). While these are all still technically possibilities, I pretend they aren't and won't entertain daydreams about them. I'm trying to focus on now, and right now I have only one child. So I throw myself fully into that life. Maybe we'll revisit that later, maybe not.

Taking away the "hope" seemed to take away the pressure. I've pretty much made peace with the idea of only having one child as far as what it means for my life. I have moments of sadness when DD is being particularly delightful, but they're fleeting. I try to focus on the good aspects - more vacations with DH, no more pregnancy, more money, no more sleep deprivation, no more reflux babies. None of this good really outweighs the lack of another child, but it's certainly a silver lining.

I admit, I'm having a LOT harder time making peace with the guilt I feel about DD being an only. I really haven't gotten there yet. But, given that I went from being miserable about not having another baby for myself to feeling mostly at peace with it, I'm hoping eventually the guilt will ease.

I will definitely not add to the chorus of "it could still happen." That is so unhelpful. What you need now is acceptance. In my experience, it wasn't until I let go of the wishful thinking that I was able to start making peace with it.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

21:42 here - wanted to add, I also started telling people, even family and close friends, that we were stopping at one. Once I made that seem like a certainty, I stopped getting comments like "you need a second," "one is so much harder than two," "aren't you worried she'll be lonely," and "but look how screwed up your only child cousin is." Off-handed comments like that were heavily contributing to my guilt, but they stopped once I made clear that a second wasn't happening.

[Anonymous]

21:42, thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult story. But what I don't understand is why you feel guilty? Only children turn out just as well as children with siblings, and the only-children threads are full of happy onlies and spouses and parents of happy onlies. You sound like such a wonderful and caring mother, and you should not be carrying a burden of guilt for not being able to have more children.

I wish so much that we could dispel the myth that children need siblings to be happy or successful. It is 100 percent not true. Hugs to you and OP.

[Anonymous]

21:42 thanks for putting it so aptly--letting go of the hope, or the possibility, is the hardest part. I also had health issues that made IVF not desirable and after 3 m/cs I was just through. Age, health and other constraints are now finally putting me in the place where I mostly have given up, but I amaze myself that at 43 I still have a tiny gasp of hope every month, which is of course crushed when I get my period.

Our hearts and minds want to hope but sometimes continuing to push and try can really prolong the agony and prevent us from really embracing the child we have. For years I have caught myself thinking about the phantom other child(ren) and what would have or could have been. since i'm finally getting too old to have kids i'm starting to let go, but i fervently wish i could have let go earlier and just enjoyed the family i have more.

and to add to what a PP said, I finally just started saying, point blank to people "we wanted to have more, but it wasn't in the cards for us." or even they (really annoyingly) would do the "you just need to stop trying and relax and have lots of sex" thing. I firmly said "been there, done that. didn't work for us, unfortunately, so we're moving on."

good luck, OP, I feel your grief.

[Anonymous]

I always pictured by life differently. I could have married at a relatively young age and probably had three kids. Unfortunately that guy cheated on me. Spent a few years recovering and traveling the world. Met some great people. Yet never got married. Here I am at 40 about to become a single Mom through IUI. At this point, it looks like I may only have one. I feel mixed emotions about it - but this is my life and the cards I have been dealt. I realize that I am very lucky that I will be having one as there are many that cannot, some of my friends included. I am going to love the heck out of the one I have and be the best Mom I can to this one little person. And on the flip side, I will only have one daycare payment. I will be able to afford to take DC traveling when he/she is older.

[Anonymous]

I wanted a large family, at least 4 kids. I have a medical condition making PGD IVF the safest option for us to have children 100% out of pocket. The process to conceive our first child took over 2 years, and over $100,000. The second child, same, and during the csection for my second the dr said my uterus was ripping, I should not have anymore children. I was devastated, esp since we had embryos frozen and had planned to use. It took me a good 6 months to come to terms with it. That was 3 years ago, now I am 40 and think I am just too old to start over with another baby. I mourn for the family I wanted but relish in the joy the family I have now. I understand having a lifelong dream, but life is about making adjustments and dealing with the curve balls. There are plenty of advantages to having only one child, all the individual attention, saved money allowing for extra opportunities, less stress on the marriage, etc. see the beauty in what is in front of you, what you can touch, what you can feel your beautiful child! One day the cloud will be lifted, I promise!

[Anonymous]

PP I know your post was made with only good intentions but there is a world of difference between not being able to have more than one and not being able to have more than 2. Please be sensitive to that difference.

[Anonymous]

In pretty much the same boat - wanted more, not in the cards at first because of finances, then medical. A few things have really helped. First as pp said letting go of the hope -" when we really said ( via medical procedure) this is it, no more pregnancies, no more maybe, I was able to relax and focus more on life as it is, than as it might be. Also, I focus in sibling-like relationships for my dd. fostering a strong relationship with her cousin whi is an only who lives nearby, my best friend's dd only who lives blocks away. I know play dates don't take the place of having more children, but having close friends who she sees often, has sleep overs with, etc. really helps lessen the guilt that I am somehow depriving her of something. I also talk to my adult friends who are only kids. Their perspective (most LOVEd it as kids, are more challenged dealing with aging parents on theier own as adults) really has made me feel more prepared and ok with the decision.

My aha though was when my 4 yr. old looked at me and dh one night at dinner after a discussion of her classmates new sister and said "this is OUR family, right." Right, I said bracing for inevitable request for a baby sister or brother. She says "I love our family". At that point, i just was able to really say "me too" and mean it.