Help Me with Being One and Done

[Anonymous]

I would just take a break from trying and reassess in a year or two. RE has a financial incentive to make you feel panicky about now or never.

It's also fine to grieve what you feel you've lost. But you might also want to try to see the benefits of what life might be like if you are one and done. FWIW, here's a few reasons why my DH and I want to be one and done. Neither of us had good sibling relationships-many parents seem to want 2+ kids for their relationship with each other, but I don't think it's uncommon for that not to be a happy relationship. We'll have more time, focus, and financial resources to give to our one DC. One child also leaves us more time for ourselves, more money for retirement, etc., as well. Pregnancy and birth are pretty unpleasant, so I'm happy to go through them only once. There are more reasons for myself I'm sure, and you may have entirely different ones, but my point is that when you are done grieving, and not knowing what might happen in the future, try to consider what the up sides may be if you are one and done.

[Anonymous]

Let yourself grieve. Go to therapy. And then embrace life with an only child.

[Anonymous]

OP, another parent here with only one (by choice) and it is a wonderful life! As a PP said, we have more time, energy, and resources for our DC, more time to be a couple on our own now and then, etc. Our DC is not spoiled/selfish or lonely, gets along beautifully with others, has zero problems sharing, and is generally a pretty happy kid. My point is you can have a great life and a great family without having multiple kids. If you do end up having another, kudos to you -- but don't tear yourself up too much if you end up as a little family of three.

I also recommend reading the book "One and Only" which examines the only child family.

[Anonymous]

Get the book "Zen Shorts" and read it with your child. There are lessons there for everyone. It's okay to mourn and be angry and upset, but you don't want it to take over your life so you forget to enjoy the wonderful things you have and all the people who love you and want to be loved in return.

[Anonymous]

Don't know if you have or not and it is too late for this year, but ahead of annual enrollment check both of your insurance offerings and see if they cover or partially cover ivf. You might be surprised.

It sucks, and it is hard to be surrounded by those that seem to get pregnant even when they don't want to while you have to sink time, frustration, and money just for the sliver of hope. I am sorry you have to deal with it, but at least you have your one, hopefully healthy, child. I hope that you can find the positive in that, even if it is not the ideal.

[Anonymous]

I heard somewhere -- maybe in an interview with a photographer -- this advice that he received from an old woman. She said, when her husband was dying she sat at his bedside and cried. She asked him, "How will I ever live without you?" And he said, "Take the love you have for me and spread it around."

You have a lot of love in you. Spread it around.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend in a similar situation and they are stopping at one as well. Their DD is very well adjusted, has a ton of friends, and they have the financial security to have her in amazing activities. It is so much easier to travel with one. You are completely justified in mourning for what you wanted. But once that is over, just try to focus on what a wonderful life you can have with your one.

[Anonymous]

You could temporarily move to Illinois. The state has a mandate insurances must cover IVF.
http://insurance.illinois.gov/HealthInsurance/infertility.asp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you are on the young side, maybe take several years off from trying. That might give your body and finances time to recover from any issues. It doesn't mean you can't try again in say five years or something like that.

Good suggestion, but I'm not that young. I'm 33, and DH is 38. I just don't feel like I'm old enough for my eggs to be crapping out but they are. The RE said time is of the essence, but we're too cash-strapped.

I'd get a second opinion, OP. It may not be your eggs. There are many other potential reasons for recurrent miscarriage and the solutions don't necessarily require IVF. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar predicament and posted this thread (http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/343948.page) that spun out of control. I am trying to focus on the positives of only having one and what a great life the three of us will have,

[Anonymous]

I hope you will find peace. Like a lot of other have said, though, your financial situation may change. Could you afford to freeze some eggs now, and then see about IVF in a few years?

[Anonymous]

It's so odd to me how people need to project their own hangups on every thread. She specifically said, help me to make peace with the way things ARE, and yet so many people are advocating for continuing to pursue additional children--freeze your eggs! second opinion! check your insurance benefits! acupuncture! move to Illinois!

I get that everyone has different experiences and advice, but I feel that it's counterproductive to keep pushing someone to try harder when she has indicated pretty clearly that she feels emotionally and financially drained by this struggle.

Full disclosure: I also was initially upset about our inability to have more children, but was most frustrated by the well-meaning pressure that friends and family (and society, my God) puts on couples to have more children at any cost. As if there is something deeply wrong with single-child or child-free families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so odd to me how people need to project their own hangups on every thread. She specifically said, help me to make peace with the way things ARE, and yet so many people are advocating for continuing to pursue additional children--freeze your eggs! second opinion! check your insurance benefits! acupuncture! move to Illinois!

I get that everyone has different experiences and advice, but I feel that it's counterproductive to keep pushing someone to try harder when she has indicated pretty clearly that she feels emotionally and financially drained by this struggle.

Full disclosure: I also was initially upset about our inability to have more children, but was most frustrated by the well-meaning pressure that friends and family (and society, my God) puts on couples to have more children at any cost. As if there is something deeply wrong with single-child or child-free families.

This. It's almost like people just cannot accept that a couple might only have one child, whether by preference or because of infertility or other external circumstances. When we had our baby, people were asking us within months when we were having a second. There is nothing wrong with having one child. Nothing. It might not be what you imagined, but it's not a bad thing. There are advantages and downsides to every family situation, and it helps to just accept what yours is and focus on the advantages. There are definitely positives to having only one child, so you can allow yourself to mourn a little for the life you imagined, but don't let it get in the way of enjoying the life you got.

[Anonymous]

My friend, I didn't even meet my husband until I was 38. I had a surprise baby at 41. He'll be our only, even though when I was your age I still hoped for 2 or 5 or more. I love kids. We just are too old and can't afford more.

I'm not mentioning my later pregnancy to console you that it's still possible for you (though it is). But look t what you have compared to me: you have 10 more years of youth. You have more years with your husband. You have hope for more. You have time, even if your RE is pressuring you.

You have only this one life, and no one promises you even one more day with your husband and child. Please just try to live in today, love today, enjoy today. It's all you have, and you have a LOT!!!

[Anonymous]

We might be one and done due to financial reasons. I seriously go back and forth in my head every day if having another is something I truly want (if finances got better).

One day I'm looking at all the little babies or pictures of my son when he was an infant and thinking - oh I want another one. Then the next day I am dealing with my high energy 3 year old who is running me ragged and not going to bed until 11:00 PM at night. During those times I think - why on earth would I want to add another one to this mix?

In fact, I can come up with a lot of reasons to be happy with just one. I would not have to put my body through another pregnancy(first one was not good). I would not have to work my ass off for 9 months to drop 30 lbs.

I would not have 3-6 months of a baby waking me up every 2 hours to eat. I would not have serious sleep deprivation for eternity. We would not have to spend $$$$ on diapers and formula, hospital bills and unforseen costs.

We could travel easily with just one. We would not have to worry about money as much. We would probably be a lot less stressed out and focused on our careers with just one. One of us can always get a break!! 2 on 1 has got to be so much easier than 2 on 2.

I think therapy is a good idea, and perhaps getting on birth control or something that will prevent you from having all these chemical pregnancies.

I think PP's comments about living in today are very spot on. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of that to appreciate what we have.