Help Me with Being One and Done

[Anonymous]

I understand completely. We have 1 amazing DD, but we're having a really incredibly rough time having a second. I find myself being heartbroken all the time. I know I need to remind myself that I have an amazing DD, and she was truly a miracle seeing as though we are having some major fertility problems, but it is very hard when you think your family is incomplete.

This christmas, I was having a pity party looking at all of my family members with multiple children and I wasn't enjoying anything. My DH took me aside and gently told me that I was missing everything good about our life because I was dwelling on something that is out of our control. He kept showing me pictures of how happy our DD was the day that I wasn't participating. It made me feel horrible!

Now I'm trying my hardest to focus on the fact that I have a wonderful little family. It's hard, but I don't want to miss an amazing day that my DD is having because I'm feeling sorry for myself!

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar boat. Since you mention you are young, I would say move to a city with cheaper housing costs and try IVF again. Your youth will weather a job change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, another parent here with only one (by choice) and it is a wonderful life! As a PP said, we have more time, energy, and resources for our DC, more time to be a couple on our own now and then, etc. Our DC is not spoiled/selfish or lonely, gets along beautifully with others, has zero problems sharing, and is generally a pretty happy kid. My point is you can have a great life and a great family without having multiple kids. If you do end up having another, kudos to you -- but don't tear yourself up too much if you end up as a little family of three.

I also recommend reading the book "One and Only" which examines the only child family.

I second the book. I'm reading The Case fir the Only Child but I'm finding it a waste of time. Much preferred the One and Only. There's a third book by some environmental journalist or something, a guy, that I haven't gotten to yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat. Since you mention you are young, I would say move to a city with cheaper housing costs and try IVF again. Your youth will weather a job change.

OMG, are you kidding me? Uproot your entire family and disrupt everyone's careers to try to be able to afford IVF? Of all the ridiculous suggestions. She's trying to reduce stress, not start all over again in a new part of the country!

[Anonymous]

This thread is DCUM at it's best.

[Anonymous]

OP, good ideas already about having a limited-edition pity party and best of all about seeking therapy to focus on this issue.

I'd like to add, as a happy parent of one: I know it's early days yet and your child isn't even in the picture since you are still trying. But if you can manage to set the immediate emotion aside for a moment and try to look at the future, there are advantages to having one child. I've been able to volunteer at preschool and school in substantial ways, getting to know her teachers and friends better than I would have otherwise, and getting "plugged in" to her schools' cultures and how things work. I've been able to participate more in things like her extracurriculars as a leader and a volunteer etc. Doing these things helps all these organizations and schools but most importantly, it helps me see what her day to day life is like, to understand her better, and to see her interactions with others. I know parents of two or more who do these things too, but I also know many parents of two (and especially of more than two) who lament that they never have time to do this or that, to chaperone anything or help out with a recital or stick around to help out at a class event, etc. because they have to run off to chauffeur the other kid(s) etc.

Not dissing having more than one, just noting the fact that with one, you can have the ability to do more with your kid. That's not the same as doing things FOR a kid -- which is a mistake. I just know that some moms have said to me over the years that they would have loved to have been more able to do this or that at a child's school or in an activity, or to enroll in certain mom-and-me classes, but just could not because they were chasing a younger child or the activity wasn't appropriate for having a younger child tag along, or they had to juggle several kids' schedules.

This is all a long, long way off for you, I know, but if you are a person who would want to participate in those ways, consider that you will find it easier to do so without juggling and guilt if you have one child.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am your polar opposite. I did not want to have children. I never liked children and did not have any warm and fuzzy feelings about having a family. I also have a terrible relationship with my sibling and my parents have over supported and favored my sibling for their entire life continuing to this day. My sibling required no special care and has no disability or special needs. So I knew that if I ever had any children, I would only have one. I would never ever risk making a child feel like I have felt every day in my family since my sibling was born 40 years ago.

I met my husband who wanted nothing more than to be a dad. He wanted to get married and have a child. I wanted no kids, but wanted to get married. We both agreed that we did not want to go to heroic measures to have a child if it turned out that one or both of us was infertile. We also agreed that we would not adopt if we did not succeed the old fashioned way. We agreed to one child (unless nature gave us more than one) and got married. We had one child 10+ years ago and it has been great. We have our little family. We can focus all of our resources on one child. We still have time for other interests beyond kid stuff. I think our child asked for a baby sister a couple times when other kids started getting new siblings. That passed pretty quickly and now she is very thankful to be an only child. I have a lot more patience than I would if I had more than one. I don't yell. I rarely get short tempered. I feel like my kid gets the best of me every day.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to have another as well, but because I'm 39, my husband is 42, he supports 2 children from his first marriage, and other mostly financial reasons, we have decided that it would be irresponsible for us to have another. That said, I got a huge wave of jealousy today upon finding out that a supervisee of mine is now pregnant with her 3rd (3rd baby daddy, of course). She already gets a bunch of benefits for the other two (housing, food, child care) and the mean side of me thought, "Well damn, if I didn't have to help support YOUR kids maybe I could have another!"

[Anonymous]

We are one and done because our first has a major disability. We can't afford to have another. I worry because my child will never be independent and now won't have a sibling to be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are one and done because our first has a major disability. We can't afford to have another. I worry because my child will never be independent and now won't have a sibling to be a friend.

PP, I'm sorry. This sounds like a difficult situation. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I know your post was made with only good intentions but there is a world of difference between not being able to have more than one and not being able to have more than 2. Please be sensitive to that difference.

Like why??? Why is having just one and wanting more "a world of difference" from having 2 and wanting more, that we have to be super sensitive about and sympathize? If PP always dreamt of 4 and could not have more than 2, she deserves the same empathy as a mom who wants 2 and can have only 1.

There is really really nothing wrong with having one child that it needs to be treated as a special case and a general tragedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I know your post was made with only good intentions but there is a world of difference between not being able to have more than one and not being able to have more than 2. Please be sensitive to that difference.

Like why??? Why is having just one and wanting more "a world of difference" from having 2 and wanting more, that we have to be super sensitive about and sympathize? If PP always dreamt of 4 and could not have more than 2, she deserves the same empathy as a mom who wants 2 and can have only 1.

There is really really nothing wrong with having one child that it needs to be treated as a special case and a general tragedy.

I'm with the other poster - posting about having 2 and wanting 3 is insensitive in a thread about coming to piece with having one. Only children will never have siblings... once you have 2 or more, there's a sibling and a lot of the pressure/issues some people have about one and done is off.

It's fine that you don't see a difference, but there IS a difference to those of us with only one, so yes, in this case, try to be a bit more sensitive and understand that just as to those with none it is often stressful to hear people with one stressing out over it, it's similar with one when you wanted more than one. Once you hit 2 or more, yes for some it's still hard, but it's different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I know your post was made with only good intentions but there is a world of difference between not being able to have more than one and not being able to have more than 2. Please be sensitive to that difference.

Like why??? Why is having just one and wanting more "a world of difference" from having 2 and wanting more, that we have to be super sensitive about and sympathize? If PP always dreamt of 4 and could not have more than 2, she deserves the same empathy as a mom who wants 2 and can have only 1.

There is really really nothing wrong with having one child that it needs to be treated as a special case and a general tragedy.

I'm with the other poster - posting about having 2 and wanting 3 is insensitive in a thread about coming to piece with having one. Only children will never have siblings... once you have 2 or more, there's a sibling and a lot of the pressure/issues some people have about one and done is off.

It's fine that you don't see a difference, but there IS a difference to those of us with only one, so yes, in this case, try to be a bit more sensitive and understand that just as to those with none it is often stressful to hear people with one stressing out over it, it's similar with one when you wanted more than one. Once you hit 2 or more, yes for some it's still hard, but it's different.

I am the PP who sees no difference, atleast now and believe me, as a only myself who did not want a only, but only have one now and have gotten over the so called stigma around this, I strongly feel there is still no difference. I understand OP is seeking answers, and appreciate the comforting words, but what you have just mentioned implies that 2 is the standard if you chose to have children. We really need to overcome the idea that siblings are essential at any cost, that the one child that we have is making our family somehow deficient and 2 is the magical must have number to hit and anything above that is a nice to have.
This is reducing family size and preferences and situations to be controlled by a formula and swayed by a trend.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are one and done (mostly) by choice and I love it. I feel like I have almost enough time for him and believe I wouldn't have the time I would want with more kids. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, we have time, money, and energy to have fun, travel, expose him to people, places, and things, and that is important to us. I never feel pulled in opposite kid directions (I can make every soccer practice and game, every activity, etc).

Do I wonder if things would be different with another child? Of course. But whenever I think about what it might be like, I am more content with our life. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I know your post was made with only good intentions but there is a world of difference between not being able to have more than one and not being able to have more than 2. Please be sensitive to that difference.

Like why??? Why is having just one and wanting more "a world of difference" from having 2 and wanting more, that we have to be super sensitive about and sympathize? If PP always dreamt of 4 and could not have more than 2, she deserves the same empathy as a mom who wants 2 and can have only 1.

There is really really nothing wrong with having one child that it needs to be treated as a special case and a general tragedy.

I'm with the other poster - posting about having 2 and wanting 3 is insensitive in a thread about coming to piece with having one. Only children will never have siblings... once you have 2 or more, there's a sibling and a lot of the pressure/issues some people have about one and done is off.

It's fine that you don't see a difference, but there IS a difference to those of us with only one, so yes, in this case, try to be a bit more sensitive and understand that just as to those with none it is often stressful to hear people with one stressing out over it, it's similar with one when you wanted more than one. Once you hit 2 or more, yes for some it's still hard, but it's different.

I am the PP who sees no difference, atleast now and believe me, as a only myself who did not want a only, but only have one now and have gotten over the so called stigma around this, I strongly feel there is still no difference. I understand OP is seeking answers, and appreciate the comforting words, but what you have just mentioned implies that 2 is the standard if you chose to have children. We really need to overcome the idea that siblings are essential at any cost, that the one child that we have is making our family somehow deficient and 2 is the magical must have number to hit and anything above that is a nice to have.
This is reducing family size and preferences and situations to be controlled by a formula and swayed by a trend.

I feel like the difference between having one and two relative to the topic of this post is that if you only have one, there is this external expectation, and even pressure, to have more than one because "you have to give your child a sibling." If you have two, people don't necessarily think you should have more or should want to have more or are denying your kids something important by not having more. So you may be internally upset that you can't have a larger family, but you aren't having that regret reinforced by the people around you. Whereas if you only have one, by choice or circumstances, people around you are constantly going to be reinforcing the idea that you are doing something selfish and wrong, and your child will be terribly lonely or spoiled or something (even though that's not borne out by the data), and your family must be incomplete.