My 13 year old looking at porn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal. It has nothing to do with the smart phone, contrary to the PP stupid assertation. If he didn't find it on his smart phone, he would have found it someplace else- just like thousands and thousands of other 13 year olds.

This is an opportunity to talk with him about sexuality, not to embarrass or shame him. Ideally your DH should be the one to talk with him. He needs to know that his feelings are 100% healthy and normal.

~Mom to three grow college-aged kids. No baby mamas. No baby daddys. We were always very open about sex. I am positive that our attitude towards sexuality is the reason we don't have grandchildren right now.

I know parents with attitudes like yours who's kids have had abortions, so don't be so sure of yourself.

I would know. My daughter came to me the week before she lost her virginity. She was 17. She wanted to talk about birth control. We went to the gyn together. She requested that I remain in the room while she talked to the doctor. The doctor openly praised our relationship and told my daughter the story of a young southern baptist girl that became pregnant and had no one to talk to. She ended up leaving the state to have an abortion all by herself. It was a heartbreaking story that ended in a suicide attempt.

My kids talk to me about sex because they know they can. I'm far from a perfect parent. But I know enough about teens to understand stand that open, frank, non-judgmental conversations trump guilt, manipulation, religious babbling, and secrecy any day. Normal healthy teenagers are going to seek out sexual material. It's our job to guide them in learning to make safe choices.

Your daughter came to you a week before having sex? So you basically gave her some birth control pills and told her which positions to get in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a day late and a dollar short. You should have already been having open conversations with him about sex, including respecting women. That's what the porn problem is about - not watching porn, per se, but not understanding that porn is acting, not real life. If you personally have a deeply founded belief that porn harms women, then you should communicate that to him as part of your values. But if you just think porn in squicky and don't want to think about your 13 year old son having a sex drive, then you are sticking your head in the sand!

I also think you have to consider the role of the smart phone/web access, but as part of a bigger picture about media consumption. Yes, 13 year old boys have been seeking out porn since time immemorial. But the bigger problem is having unfettered 24/7 access to the internet, porn included.

OP here, we have always had open conversations with him about sex, if I implied othereise I didn't intend to. For example, a few years back he said something about someone masturbating in the bathroom at school. I asked him what that meant and he had it all wrong so I explained what it was and that its private and should be kept that way. So I don't have my head in the sand, we have talked about sex including oral,, rape, love, marriage, diseases, aids, condoms, lots of stuff. I guess we forgot to cover porn though, we haven't had any conversations about that with him. Obviously I am planning to do something about the phone internet, whether that be taking it away all together or restricting his access to the phone altogether I haven't decided yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your daughter came to you a week before having sex? So you basically gave her some birth control pills and told her which positions to get in?

No, that is not what the PP said. It would be nice if you stopped derailing. The OP asked about her son looking at porn. Let's talk about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal. It has nothing to do with the smart phone, contrary to the PP stupid assertation. If he didn't find it on his smart phone, he would have found it someplace else- just like thousands and thousands of other 13 year olds.

This is an opportunity to talk with him about sexuality, not to embarrass or shame him. Ideally your DH should be the one to talk with him. He needs to know that his feelings are 100% healthy and normal.

~Mom to three grow college-aged kids. No baby mamas. No baby daddys. We were always very open about sex. I am positive that our attitude towards sexuality is the reason we don't have grandchildren right now.

I know parents with attitudes like yours who's kids have had abortions, so don't be so sure of yourself.

There are also parents with attitudes like the PPs whose daughters have not had abortions. As well as parents with attitudes unlike the PPs whose daughters have had abortions. As well as parents who think that:

1. having an abortion does not mean that you are a bad person
2. your daughter having an abortion does not mean that you have failed as a parent
3. whether other people, including other people's children, have or have not had abortion is none of your business.

I'm also impressed by the logical leap from "My 13-year-old son is looking at porn" to "Parents with attitudes like yours have kids who have abortions." Starting with the fact that the OP's son is not going to get pregnant, no matter how much porn he looks at.

You're awfully defensive. Having an abortion has repercussions. There's no denying that. No one (that I've ever heard about) walks out after an abortion in the same way she walks out of the Hair Salon after a hair cut. No two people respond to "the procedure" in exactly the same way. Many women never quite "get over" it. It's always a tragic experience regardless of our politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal. It has nothing to do with the smart phone, contrary to the PP stupid assertation. If he didn't find it on his smart phone, he would have found it someplace else- just like thousands and thousands of other 13 year olds.

This is an opportunity to talk with him about sexuality, not to embarrass or shame him. Ideally your DH should be the one to talk with him. He needs to know that his feelings are 100% healthy and normal.

~Mom to three grow college-aged kids. No baby mamas. No baby daddys. We were always very open about sex. I am positive that our attitude towards sexuality is the reason we don't have grandchildren right now.

I know parents with attitudes like yours who's kids have had abortions, so don't be so sure of yourself.

I would know. My daughter came to me the week before she lost her virginity. She was 17. She wanted to talk about birth control. We went to the gyn together. She requested that I remain in the room while she talked to the doctor. The doctor openly praised our relationship and told my daughter the story of a young southern baptist girl that became pregnant and had no one to talk to. She ended up leaving the state to have an abortion all by herself. It was a heartbreaking story that ended in a suicide attempt.

My kids talk to me about sex because they know they can. I'm far from a perfect parent. But I know enough about teens to understand stand that open, frank, non-judgmental conversations trump guilt, manipulation, religious babbling, and secrecy any day. Normal healthy teenagers are going to seek out sexual material. It's our job to guide them in learning to make safe choices.

Your daughter came to you a week before having sex? So you basically gave her some birth control pills and told her which positions to get in?

My daughter came to me before having sex with the young man she had been dating for seven months. We talked about safety, birth control, relationships,.... Sexual positions didn't come up. We made an appointment with the gyn and got her started on the pill. He reinforced the importance of condemns. He told her that pregnancy was no where near as important as protection against sexually transmitted disease...same stuff we've always stressed to our kids.

I didn't "give her birth control pills". I helped her learn how to take charge of her health by encouraging her to talk with a gyn about sexual health, birth control, breast cancer, future fertility ,......

[Anonymous]

Nope, not defensive.

Yes, having an abortion has repercussions -- principally that the person who did not want to continue the pregnancy is no longer pregnant.

Since no one walks out after heart surgery in the same way they walk out of the Hair Salon after a hair cut either, either, I'm not sure what your point is here.

If no two people respond to having an abortion in exactly the same way, then that means that you can't know how they felt about it.

And for many women, the main feeling about having had an abortion is relief. So no, it's not always a tragic experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He reinforced the importance of condemns.

I'm guessing he reinforced the importance of condoms. The importance of condemns is what the PP is reinforcing.

(Sorry, I don't usually comment on autocorrect errors, but I couldn't pass this one up.)

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at all the posters who are so non-chalant about a young teen watching Internet porn. There is a HUGE difference between hiding a playboy magazine under your mattress and watching hard-core porn. Normal interests? Of course! But many if not most of the actors in the porn industry have been victims of sexual abuse (and drug abuse) themselves. I think it's important to talk with your young teen about exploitation and the cycle of abuse perpetuated by that industry. It's not damnable but it's far from okay to let it go without explaining that much of it is not everyday human sexual behavior either, IMO. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm just surprised that he's not technologically savvy enough to clear his cookies and browser history after he looks at porn. Kids these days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He reinforced the importance of condemns.

I'm guessing he reinforced the importance of condoms. The importance of condemns is what the PP is reinforcing.

(Sorry, I don't usually comment on autocorrect errors, but I couldn't pass this one up.)

HA! That was me. I love autocorrect. The irony in this one is funny!

[Anonymous]

OP, my two concerns would be porn is unrealistic portrayal of sex, and it might mess up his first experiences with unrealistic expectations; and most people in the industry have been abused. "Homemade" porn on the net is often made unwillingly by sex tradficking victims.

I'd have those discussions with him. I'd express your view on whether he should watch it (whatever that view may be), but realize he will likely continue.

Good luck. Sounds like you guys have a good, open relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, not defensive.

Yes, having an abortion has repercussions -- principally that the person who did not want to continue the pregnancy is no longer pregnant.

Since no one walks out after heart surgery in the same way they walk out of the Hair Salon after a hair cut either, either, I'm not sure what your point is here.

If no two people respond to having an abortion in exactly the same way, then that means that you can't know how they felt about it.

And for many women, the main feeling about having had an abortion is relief. So no, it's not always a tragic experience.

Thank you PP. I've posted many times on this board regarding this topic. I was brutally raped and discovered that my BCP failed and I was pregnant. I walked into the clinic with a still slightly bruised eye, stitches on the inside of my cheek and my arm in a sling. My abortion was not a tragic experience and I'm now a very big advocate and volunteer for helping those who have had abortions not feel shame and not to feel like they've done the worse thing in the world by having the procedure. To the PP who made the sweeping generalization, you'd be surprised by how many people are actually relieved by the procedure but don't want to admit it because of judgmental people like you.

[Anonymous]

OP, firstly, 13 is not too young to be searching out porn. Secondly, I think you and DH should both talk with your son, either individually or together. Eye contact for embarrassing discussions is very hard, so don't insist - talking while driving in the car is a good time. Thirdly, I would stress to DH that porn is acting. Yes, they're really having sex, but this is NOT at ALL an accurate representation of what sex looks like between two people who greatly care for each other. Explain to him that often these people are meeting each other just a half hour before they start shooting. That they are hired because they have bodies that look the way they do naked - so most men don't have such big penises and most women don't have such big breasts (and that there are a LOT of implants involved in porn). Explain that when "regular people" have sex, there's a TON more emotion involved. Porn stars have sex with their costars and walk away at the end of a four-hour shoot to never talk again, unless they are paired up to work together again. In regular life, you have sex with someone you want to make love to, and since you want to make love to that person, you will want them to be in your lives. I'd also explain that in porn videos, they STOP ROLLING multiple times to fix things, and that doesn't happen in real life. They stop to fix hair, stop to move lighting, tell people where to put their limbs in order to get the best shots, etc.

Basically, I would break down porn and pull back the curtain on it to make it seem less magical and perfect. I'd stress that all the relationships are business relationships involving sex, and how there are no feelings involved, no emotion. These people are not buying each other birthday cards, or talking late at night about their hopes and dreams. They're not encouraging each other to study hard for tests, and do kind things for their moms. They're just ... having sex. For money.

[Anonymous]

And also that he should not assume that all girls like x just because they always do x in porn.

[Anonymous]

"~Mom to three grow college-aged kids. No baby mamas. No baby daddys. We were always very open about sex. I am positive that our attitude towards sexuality is the reason we don't have grandchildren right now. "

+ Abortions.