Overweight kids - how to help my child understand that fine line between bullying and the truth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well good luck because it is clear that your not so subtle attitude will trickle down to him.

It is never appropriate to comment on someone else's appearance or weight in a negative manner. Ever. This shouldn't be a hard thing to teach.

You're delusional and quite frankly your attitude is harmful. Being in the healthcare field where people are dying from obesity, it is my duty to tell them the truth to save their lives. Some people are truly clueless and save themselves a lifetime of poor health by getting to a healthy weight. It's too bad that being PC about weight and the culture of dont hurt anyone's feelings is killing Anericans. Can't wait for that mindset to change.

Is this OP? If so, serious troll. Come on.

Teach your child that it isn't his place to comment on or mock somebody for their heath, income, looks, or etc. It's not hard at all. I don't agree with you that being fat is not beautiful, because I think beauty is subjective and personal, and it's not something you can define for someone else. And this "new" idea that big is beautiful? Have you ever heard of the term romanesque and do you know where it comes from and why? Now, morbid obesity is dangerous for some people. And sure, some folks should / can be exercising more. At the same time, I know of a few very heavy individuals who have struggled with thyroid and other health issues their entire lives. And there is a lot of new science that shows why some people pack on weight so easily and others do not. Again, not making excuses for anyone (I am rail thin myself) but the point is, other people do not need to make excuses to you or to your son. So you teach your son to worry about what he is doing, not what someone else is doing. It is no more appropriate for him to go up to little Johnny and say "you are obese!" than it is for him to go up to little Johnny and say "your legs don't work!" or "you can't see!" or "You're poor!" or anything else.

Again, I do not agree with you that you or your son are morally superior to heavy people, but let's say you really believe that. Well, I don't want my kid to get tattoos or to start smoking, but I also do not allow him to point at people and say "Look, she has tattoos! She made a permanent mark on her body that she can never erase!" or to point to a smoker and say "you are going to die early!"

This is not a hard lesson. You just don't make fun of anyone for the way they look, whether or not YOU or your son think that they must certainly have made choices to lead them there. Doing so is not nice. You don't want to raise a child to be not nice, do you?

Oh......wait.

[Anonymous]

You're a horses's ass, OP, and one can only think you son will be one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ouch.

OK. I get it. OP totally lost me the second she started bringing "beauty" into it. At that point, we've lost the important lesson: I.e. - be healthy, and moved into some judgmental territory about beauty.

But I think there is a legitimate question buried in here that is worth discussing.

We DO have an obesity epidemic.
We also have a whole lot of girls who equate their self-value with their weight.

What are the right words to use with YOUNG kids (say, 3-7 year old range), that encourage some sense of enpowerment about health and eating choices (because for 95 percent of people who are obese, its a matter of making better choices), and yet not castigating of judging people who either make bad choices, or who really have some medical condition (or bad genes) that are going to make them pear-shaped no matter WHAT they do?

For a long while I avoided the word "fat", because I didn't want my 3-year-old (who had no filter to call someone fat. But now that he's 7, what do I say? Obese? Do I correct him when he accurately says "that person is fat" out of earshot? I usually say, "yes, that's true, but we would never want that person to hear us saying that. It's OK to say it to me, but remember that we would,'t say that to someone who was overweight."

Is that the right answer? I know I struggle to have this conversation in a way that 1) keeps it "real"; 2) encourages some measure of self-responsibility; and 3) is sympathetic to the fact that its not so easy for everyone, and it doesn't change a person's value.

It's easy to jump on the OP's back (she stepped in it), but does anyone want to have the real conversation?

I don't talk to my young child about being fat or skinny at all. We talk about healthy food and which foods you can only eat sometimes because they are not as healthy. If she were ever to call someone "fat" , I would tell her that it's not a kind or polite thing to say, and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Why would you tell him it's okay to say to you, but not to the person directly? So basically you're sending the message that it's okay to comment on someone's appearance behind his back?

Young kids don't have a filter, I get that. But you correct them and move on. I don't see where the confusion lies.


Is it really that hard?

[Anonymous]

I can picture this new thread from OP in September "my son has been called a bully and is in trouble at school. He called an overweight girl fat and ugly. He wasnt being mean!!! He was just being honest and pointing out she wasn't healthy! What should I do?! Do you think i can sue the school?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ouch.

OK. I get it. OP totally lost me the second she started bringing "beauty" into it. At that point, we've lost the important lesson: I.e. - be healthy, and moved into some judgmental territory about beauty.

But I think there is a legitimate question buried in here that is worth discussing.

We DO have an obesity epidemic.
We also have a whole lot of girls who equate their self-value with their weight.

What are the right words to use with YOUNG kids (say, 3-7 year old range), that encourage some sense of enpowerment about health and eating choices (because for 95 percent of people who are obese, its a matter of making better choices), and yet not castigating of judging people who either make bad choices, or who really have some medical condition (or bad genes) that are going to make them pear-shaped no matter WHAT they do?

For a long while I avoided the word "fat", because I didn't want my 3-year-old (who had no filter to call someone fat. But now that he's 7, what do I say? Obese? Do I correct him when he accurately says "that person is fat" out of earshot? I usually say, "yes, that's true, but we would never want that person to hear us saying that. It's OK to say it to me, but remember that we would,'t say that to someone who was overweight."

Is that the right answer? I know I struggle to have this conversation in a way that 1) keeps it "real"; 2) encourages some measure of self-responsibility; and 3) is sympathetic to the fact that its not so easy for everyone, and it doesn't change a person's value.

It's easy to jump on the OP's back (she stepped in it), but does anyone want to have the real conversation?

I don't talk to my young child about being fat or skinny at all. We talk about healthy food and which foods you can only eat sometimes because they are not as healthy. If she were ever to call someone "fat" , I would tell her that it's not a kind or polite thing to say, and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Why would you tell him it's okay to say to you, but not to the person directly? So basically you're sending the message that it's okay to comment on someone's appearance behind his back?

Young kids don't have a filter, I get that. But you correct them and move on. I don't see where the confusion lies.


Is it really that hard?

People DO come in all shapes and sizes, and there is a range of what is healthy. Some of the women on this board brag about how anyone over size 2 is fat and disgusting and that they eat a cup of coffee, celery, and an egg white per day to stay "naturally thin." So I think there are a few dangers of discussing fat vs. thin:

1. Thin is not automatically healthy. Plenty of thin people eat like crap and don't exercise, or like I mentioned before, some thin people starve themselves to be thin.

2. Some people are on the big end of normal (like a BMI of 25 or 26) and may appear "fat" or at least "fatter" but are perfectly healthy with healthy habits.

3. Teaching your kid that being fat is a character flaw is going to cause him more problems when it comes to social interaction than solutions to the obesity epidemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ouch.

OK. I get it. OP totally lost me the second she started bringing "beauty" into it. At that point, we've lost the important lesson: I.e. - be healthy, and moved into some judgmental territory about beauty.

But I think there is a legitimate question buried in here that is worth discussing.

We DO have an obesity epidemic.
We also have a whole lot of girls who equate their self-value with their weight.

What are the right words to use with YOUNG kids (say, 3-7 year old range), that encourage some sense of enpowerment about health and eating choices (because for 95 percent of people who are obese, its a matter of making better choices), and yet not castigating of judging people who either make bad choices, or who really have some medical condition (or bad genes) that are going to make them pear-shaped no matter WHAT they do?

For a long while I avoided the word "fat", because I didn't want my 3-year-old (who had no filter to call someone fat. But now that he's 7, what do I say? Obese? Do I correct him when he accurately says "that person is fat" out of earshot? I usually say, "yes, that's true, but we would never want that person to hear us saying that. It's OK to say it to me, but remember that we would,'t say that to someone who was overweight."

Is that the right answer? I know I struggle to have this conversation in a way that 1) keeps it "real"; 2) encourages some measure of self-responsibility; and 3) is sympathetic to the fact that its not so easy for everyone, and it doesn't change a person's value.

It's easy to jump on the OP's back (she stepped in it), but does anyone want to have the real conversation?

When you child is 7 PP, teach him that it is considered poor manners to comment on any person's physical appearance in a social setting; even matter of fact comments like "You have really black skin!" (to an African American) or "You have really white skin (to a caucasian) or "I've never seen skin so white as yours!" to an albino, or "that's a big burn you have on your face" (to a burn victim) or "that spot on your arm looks like a duck (to a person with a birthmark) or "you are pretty fat" (to a fat person) -- that are absolutely the truth -- are rude to say. We don't avoid speaking these truths in social situations because they are bad things. We just don't say them At. All.

If you are in a medical field, and are hired to give people advice on their health, then it is appropriate to mention them. If you are a close personal friend, then it might be a different story. But to casual acquaintances, we do NOT discuss personal appearance, except in compliments of course, which still should be general. "You look great" not "Your skin looks shiny white today!"

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

As an initial matter, I haven't posted a response yet on this thread. I'm sure it angers some that there are others who are writing that they, too, struggle with these questions. But those are posts by strangers, not by me. And I think it goes to show there are serious questions here.

As I mentioned in my first post, I am a healthy weight. I eat very well, exercise. I agree that some skinny people are less healthy than fat people who exercise, but is anyone really suggesting that fat people who exercise are healthier than skinny people who exercise. I hope not because that's absurd. Obviously there are benefits to controlling weight that are separate and apart from just eating well (and honestly if you're eating and exercising well you are probably controlling your weight). As I said, I am by no means a size 2.

But I do worry that this whole "big is beautiful" movement that has sprung up is dangerous to young people today. I don't want my son to have the delusion that being overweight or obese is anything but unhealthy. That's all it is.

I of course would never call someone fat or accept my child doing so. But as one other poster mentioned, really, isn't the fact that I wouldn't call someone that or allow him to do so a sign of the problem. It's the truth, isn't it? The substance in their body that makes them bigger is called "fat," yet we are in such a pc culture now about weight that you can't call a spade a spade without being a "bully."

What I fear is that my son will say something inadvertent, not that he will say something purposefully mean (like calling someone "fat and ugly.") Let's say he gets made fun of in the lunch room for eating vegetables and hummus instead of potato chips, and when asked why he eats those things he says he's eating that way so that he does not become fat. In light of the current response schools have toward bullying, I could imagine if one of those taunting him was overweight or obese that he would get in trouble for it. That is my concern - not that he would call someone fat to their face - that's just stupid.

I am grateful to the poster who asked if anyone wanted to have a serious conversation about these issues. I think the responses make clear my point. We are so damn pc now, fat is beautiful, people who are skinny are the freaks, and if you say boo about the health issues with being overweight and obesity you are a bully.

[Anonymous]

I'm 99% sure that your kid isn't going to be made fun of for eating veggies and hummus. However, if he comes off like you do, then yes he is going to alienate people and be made fun of for other reasons.

I am also at a healthy weight and very fit, and I have no clue what you are talking about with the fat is beautiful and skinny people are freaks. And if you honestly don't understand the difference between saying "I like vegetables" and "I like vegetables because they are healthy for me. If you keep eating chips you're going to get fat and ugly." then I don't know what to tell you.

I grew up in the late 80s/90s. Even back then, calling someone fat was bullying. So was calling someone a bean pole, big nosed, four eyes, flat chested, ...pretty much anything that was making fun of their appearance.

[Anonymous]

OP here - one more thought. If my son asked me why an Asian person looked different from us, I would say it's because he's Asian. I wouldn't be concerned that if, at school, a classmate asked why an Asian student looked different from him, that if he responded "he's Asian" he would get in trouble. But if my son asked me why an obese person looked different from us and I said "she's obese," and explained to him what that means and what the negative implications of that lifestyle are, and he then responded to a similar question at school from a classmate about an obese student by saying that the person is obese and explaining the negative health impacts, he might be labeled a bully.

[Anonymous]

OP, I should hope your little boy isn't eating hummus and veggies so "he does not get fat" but rather, so that he eats a healthy and balanced diet to get the best nutrition.

You don't need to focus on fat vs. skinny. Healthy portions means you eat what your body needs. Food is fuel, and those chips are empty calories. THAT should be why your son is making the food choices he is making. If he's eating veggies and hummus to avoid getting fat, you're failing as a parent. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't talk to my young child about being fat or skinny at all. We talk about healthy food and which foods you can only eat sometimes because they are not as healthy. If she were ever to call someone "fat" , I would tell her that it's not a kind or polite thing to say, and that people come in all shapes and sizes. Why would you tell him it's okay to say to you, but not to the person directly? So basically you're sending the message that it's okay to comment on someone's appearance behind his back?

Young kids don't have a filter, I get that. But you correct them and move on. I don't see where the confusion lies.


Is it really that hard?

So the word "fat" is never allowed to describe someone's appearance? I'm NOT talking about walking up to someone and calling them fat. I'm talking about how you describe physical appearance in talking to your child. And please don't say there's never any reason to even discuss or describe how someone looks. If "fat" is rude or disrespectful, what are they then? Big? Overweight? Heavy?

[Anonymous]

If you make fun of someone for any reason, even if it is because they aren't healthy, it is bullying. That's not fat acceptance. That is simply called..ya don't make fun of someone based on their appearance.

Big difference between " I like to eat healthy so I don't become fat (which seriously why does he even have to explain why he likes veggies)" and "I like to eat veggies so I don't become fat. (And then he launches into something about how fat isn't healthy, fat acceptance shouldn't be tolerated and all the other stuff you've told him)" One is going to be more offensive than the other.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the unibrow lady?

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't your son just say he's eating veggies and hummus because it tastes good, or it's healthy? My 10 yr old DD is 53 lbs, and a tiny child who is very skinny, but it would never occur to her to call someone fat, or to refer to fatness. If someone asked why she was eating something healthy, she'd shrug and say because she likes it, and then change the topic. Teach your child to be socially savvy. Nobody needs to be told their fat. They already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - one more thought. If my son asked me why an Asian person looked different from us, I would say it's because he's Asian. I wouldn't be concerned that if, at school, a classmate asked why an Asian student looked different from him, that if he responded "he's Asian" he would get in trouble. But if my son asked me why an obese person looked different from us and I said "she's obese," and explained to him what that means and what the negative implications of that lifestyle are, and he then responded to a similar question at school from a classmate about an obese student by saying that the person is obese and explaining the negative health impacts, he might be labeled a bully.

Please see 22:35. That is not my post, but she nailed it. It's rude to comment on the appearance of other people. If your child is making his own healthy choices, good for him. Teach him to be confident in his choices and not to worry about what other people think of them, or what he thinks about the choices other people make. Don't teach him to judge himself vis a vis other people - he'll always find someone to make him come up short. Judge himself, judge yourself, live for yourself, pay attention to yourself.

Your son doesn't need to be minding someone else's nutrition. And you're so crazy if you think he is going to be bullied here. OP, let's face it, your thread is because you want to be able to say "fatass" in front of your kid and not have your kid get in trouble for repeating your words.

Are you the poster who is compulsively "honest" with her friends from the twins thread, btw?