Overweight kids - how to help my child understand that fine line between bullying and the truth

[Anonymous]

Aside to 20:22 from yesterday:

And this "new" idea that big is beautiful? Have you ever heard of the term romanesque and do you know where it comes from and why?

It's "rubenesque."

[Anonymous]

Well, there is also romanesque. And Romanesque arches are rounder than Gothic arches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - OP is reallly going to F up her kid at this rate. At least she has a son, not a daughter.

WHo will one day be hounding YOUR daughter about how fat she is post baby. Please, it's not any better that she has a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside to 20:22 from yesterday:

And this "new" idea that big is beautiful? Have you ever heard of the term romanesque and do you know where it comes from and why?

It's "rubenesque."

Based on his (Rubens) paintings. And it isn't nearly as big as most people think--and also stems from a time (1600s) when food supply was much more limited.

[Anonymous]

out of all the things to worry about in this world, this is not it.

teach your kid that healthy habits are important, not appearances, fat, thin, short, tall or otherwise. add to that the lesson of it is never appropriate to comment negatively on a person's appearance.

you have issues, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no fine line. You teach your son how to take care of his body by eating healthy foods and enjoying physical activity. You also teach him not to judge others based on their appearance and not to make negative comments about how other people look. Problem solved.

I agree with this, but I do think judging people is a natural human reaction and there's no controlling it. As you say, you shouldn't share your opinion if it's negative. On the other hand, if my friend were to ask me, "Am I fat?" I'd tell her the truth.

Judging people and comparing their behavior to yours IS normal. It's also healthy. It's how we register the norms of the society we live in.

Children will often ask blunt questions, which adults will take personally because we understand the norms and they do not. The example of "why does that [Asian] person look different from us?" is a good one, and one I've experienced recently. Young kids are often just trying to understand things, so providing them with a fact-based, simple explanation along the lines of "That person's family originally came from [insert Asian country here], where people look a little different than people whose families came from [insert your country of origin here - in my case, that would be Sweden]." We recently had a conversation about how it's not polite to talk about other people's appearance, and that if you want to pay a compliment, it's better to compliment people's clothing or accessories ("That's a really pretty shirt" and "I really like your headband" were examples I used) instead of their actual physicality.

OP, I would strongly urge you to consider the judgmental quality that your posts have had. Suggesting that everyone disagreeing with you is fat and that the disagreement (which has been pretty much universal) is just a PC conspiracy to prop up the social acceptability of being overweight? Really? You've gotten some good advice about communicating with your child about healthy foods, healthy portions, healthy exercise, and good manners. You do not seem interested in those suggestions at all. It seems like you just wanted a bunch of people to show up and say, "Absolutely your son is in the right for suggesting that another child is unhealthy and fat, he should not have been punished for being a bully". Your kid is ripe for being one of those kids who shows up at school saying "In MY family, we don't eat CHIPS because my mom says chips make you fat and fat makes you sick and you might DIE" which is not much better than "makes you ugly" if you're talking to a lunch table of 7 year olds.

- mom who happily gives chips as treats and could not be more thrilled that her preschooler also likes eating vegetables and hummus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no fine line. You teach your son how to take care of his body by eating healthy foods and enjoying physical activity. You also teach him not to judge others based on their appearance and not to make negative comments about how other people look. Problem solved.

I agree with this, but I do think judging people is a natural human reaction and there's no controlling it. As you say, you shouldn't share your opinion if it's negative. On the other hand, if my friend were to ask me, "Am I fat?" I'd tell her the truth.

Judging people and comparing their behavior to yours IS normal. It's also healthy. It's how we register the norms of the society we live in.

Children will often ask blunt questions, which adults will take personally because we understand the norms and they do not. The example of "why does that [Asian] person look different from us?" is a good one, and one I've experienced recently. Young kids are often just trying to understand things, so providing them with a fact-based, simple explanation along the lines of "That person's family originally came from [insert Asian country here], where people look a little different than people whose families came from [insert your country of origin here - in my case, that would be Sweden]." We recently had a conversation about how it's not polite to talk about other people's appearance, and that if you want to pay a compliment, it's better to compliment people's clothing or accessories ("That's a really pretty shirt" and "I really like your headband" were examples I used) instead of their actual physicality. OP, I would strongly urge you to consider the judgmental quality that your posts have had. Suggesting that everyone disagreeing with you is fat and that the disagreement (which has been pretty much universal) is just a PC conspiracy to prop up the social acceptability of being overweight? Really? You've gotten some good advice about communicating with your child about healthy foods, healthy portions, healthy exercise, and good manners. You do not seem interested in those suggestions at all. It seems like you just wanted a bunch of people to show up and say, "Absolutely your son is in the right for suggesting that another child is unhealthy and fat, he should not have been punished for being a bully". Your kid is ripe for being one of those kids who shows up at school saying "In MY family, we don't eat CHIPS because my mom says chips make you fat and fat makes you sick and you might DIE" which is not much better than "makes you ugly" if you're talking to a lunch table of 7 year olds.

- mom who happily gives chips as treats and could not be more thrilled that her preschooler also likes eating vegetables and hummus

Do you really think that's better than saying "you have a really pretty smile"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no fine line. You teach your son how to take care of his body by eating healthy foods and enjoying physical activity. You also teach him not to judge others based on their appearance and not to make negative comments about how other people look. Problem solved.

I agree with this, but I do think judging people is a natural human reaction and there's no controlling it. As you say, you shouldn't share your opinion if it's negative. On the other hand, if my friend were to ask me, "Am I fat?" I'd tell her the truth.

Judging people and comparing their behavior to yours IS normal. It's also healthy. It's how we register the norms of the society we live in.

Children will often ask blunt questions, which adults will take personally because we understand the norms and they do not. The example of "why does that [Asian] person look different from us?" is a good one, and one I've experienced recently. Young kids are often just trying to understand things, so providing them with a fact-based, simple explanation along the lines of "That person's family originally came from [insert Asian country here], where people look a little different than people whose families came from [insert your country of origin here - in my case, that would be Sweden]." We recently had a conversation about how it's not polite to talk about other people's appearance, and that if you want to pay a compliment, it's better to compliment people's clothing or accessories ("That's a really pretty shirt" and "I really like your headband" were examples I used) instead of their actual physicality. OP, I would strongly urge you to consider the judgmental quality that your posts have had. Suggesting that everyone disagreeing with you is fat and that the disagreement (which has been pretty much universal) is just a PC conspiracy to prop up the social acceptability of being overweight? Really? You've gotten some good advice about communicating with your child about healthy foods, healthy portions, healthy exercise, and good manners. You do not seem interested in those suggestions at all. It seems like you just wanted a bunch of people to show up and say, "Absolutely your son is in the right for suggesting that another child is unhealthy and fat, he should not have been punished for being a bully". Your kid is ripe for being one of those kids who shows up at school saying "In MY family, we don't eat CHIPS because my mom says chips make you fat and fat makes you sick and you might DIE" which is not much better than "makes you ugly" if you're talking to a lunch table of 7 year olds.

- mom who happily gives chips as treats and could not be more thrilled that her preschooler also likes eating vegetables and hummus

Do you really think that's better than saying "you have a really pretty smile"?

No, but she's 3. I figured that it was safer than explaining that sometimes it's okay to talk about a person's body and sometimes it's not.

[Anonymous]

No, but she's 3. I figured that it was safer than explaining that sometimes it's okay to talk about a person's body and sometimes it's not.

Makes sense. I have boys, who give weird compliments anyway. (Everything relates back to superheros or sports stars, I can never figure half of them out).

[Anonymous]

I love this thread! "How can I teach my son to be repulsed by fat people and get away with insulting them?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confused mom of daughters here.

Is there really a "fat is beautiful" movement that is taking over our culture?

Fat = beautiful during times and in places where food is scarce and fat is a sign of affluence.

Really, is there is any place/school in this country where the obese or very overweight kids are concerned the most beautiful, most popular, physical specimens to be emulated?

No. There isn't, certainly not in schools!

I think OP is trolling to get a reaction. This isn't a real issue among sane people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No, but she's 3. I figured that it was safer than explaining that sometimes it's okay to talk about a person's body and sometimes it's not.

Makes sense. I have boys, who give weird compliments anyway. (Everything relates back to superheros or sports stars, I can never figure half of them out).

I know exactly what you mean. I started enforcing the "compliment clothes, not bodies" because she told me one time that I had "pretty breasts". Would very much prefer her not saying such things to her teachers and/or cashiers at the grocery store.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm sorry but do you people really not consider your weight when making food choices? Do you not realize the amount of time and money the food industry spends trying to get you to eat salt, sugar, and fat? The crazy rise on obesity in this country (for those who don't see it please exit the bubble and read a newspaper from time to time you will hear all about it, yes even among children). It's absurd to suggest in our society that recognizing those facts and being vigilant about maintaining a healthy weight makes you have an unhealthy view about weight. It's all part and parcel of the issue I'm raising here: that every consideration is paid to making fat people feel normal when being fat is anything but normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm sorry but do you people really not consider your weight when making food choices? Do you not realize the amount of time and money the food industry spends trying to get you to eat salt, sugar, and fat? The crazy rise on obesity in this country (for those who don't see it please exit the bubble and read a newspaper from time to time you will hear all about it, yes even among children). It's absurd to suggest in our society that recognizing those facts and being vigilant about maintaining a healthy weight makes you have an unhealthy view about weight. It's all part and parcel of the issue I'm raising here: that every consideration is paid to making fat people feel normal when being fat is anything but normal.

OP, I don't see anyone here questioning the importance of healthy, balanced eating and a healthy lifestyle.

The objections stem from your judgment - your condescending, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou ivory tower position. You sound unkind and self-righteous. You sound like you are in the process of building a family and teaching them to be equally self-righteous.

That's what we object to. Comfort and health in one's own skin/body encompasses a great deal more than just weight or diet - it includes mental health, self-esteem, pride, moral and ethical standards, emotional intelligence, empathy, etc... Your son may grow up a perfect physical specimen, and that's great. But I hope he also manages to find a way to build/develop empathy towards others, a willingness to see that people have different challenges in life (some of which can manifest in their appearance, others in their more internal struggles) and an ability to be compassionate and kind.

I don't see those characteristics in your writing so I hope he has others who can show him the way. And I hope for his sake that he doesn't have anything happen that puts him in opposition to your pre-determined perfect way of living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, there is also romanesque. And Romanesque arches are rounder than Gothic arches.

snicker!