I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable

[Anonymous]

PP, thank you. You are really making me think about medication. I have never tried, and am quite afraid of any sort of antidepressant medications. I really need to talk to my doctor...

[Anonymous]

I like reading these threads because I like hearing about other women's DHs. My DH is the same way (sits on the couch while I am doing dishes). We both work FT but I handle almost everything related to the kids (breakfast in the morning, packing lunches, baths, reading and bedtime). I also cook during the week and handle our finances. He does do the grocery shopping and laundry. Every once in a while we will have a big argument (last time was because I asked him to make lunch for the kids so I could work out instead of him) and he will realize he should help more. But it never lasts for more than a few weeks.

I tried therapy and that helped a bit but I think the main thing is just accepting that's the way DH is and knowing it will get easier when the kids are older (both are under 5 right now). I am not sure why many men are wired to think women should take care of the house and kids when they also work FT. Funny thing is my DH thinks he is progressive (he had a very traditional home where the mom stayed at home and took care of the kids and the dad worked long hours and never lifted a finger at home). I don't think he realizes he is more like his dad than he thinks. (My favorite is when he finishes dinner and leaves his plate on the table for me to clean). When we argue, he claims I am melodramatic and always looking for something to be depressed about. He points out we have a very nice life, nice house, nanny, cleaning person, etc. And that is all true. But I guess I compare my life to his. He has all of that *and* someone to cook for him, handle the bills, and take care of the kids...

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like you are placing a lot of blame on yourself. So you forgot the shirts. It was a mistake, you have a lot going on. It is ok to feel a little bit bad, but to question what type of person you are seems extreme. I think you should consult a therapist about your need to beat up on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. Honestly, if you feel tired and put upon, I think it is normal not to feel overjoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, thank you. You are really making me think about medication. I have never tried, and am quite afraid of any sort of antidepressant medications. I really need to talk to my doctor...

I am the pp you mention and I totally get it. You can always go off if makes no difference is the argument in my head that finally won me over.

[Anonymous]

Really? He couldn't spend 30 seconds on Google to find a dry cleaner near his work or that opens super early near home? It was an imperative for you to take the shirts in? Please.

Look, all these my husband does nothing threads have the same answer that no one wants to hear. If you aren't happy with the division of labor, you have to discuss it and agree to change it. If your husband does not agree to change the level of his household labor contribution or agrees and then does nothing to actually change, you either accept his shortcomings or fight about it.

I raised this issue with my husband several times and always got his promise to do more. Never happened. Then I wrote him an email. I listed every chore I could think of and put the name of the person doing each chore by it. In the email I told him I would no longer be emptying the trash or recycling, doing the dishes, putting any laundry away, or maintaining any of his clothing outside of the house. And I meant it. I picked 3 things that I could live with if he didn't do. I knew he would deal with the trash. If he didn't do the dishes I was prepared to go all paper products and I would have served Thanksgiving dinner to his elderly mother on paper plates and said, "If you don't like paper plates, talk to your son. I asked him to responsible for the dishes and he refuses," if she said anything. I do all the laundry so I make sure I have 7 pairs of underwear and work clothes upstairs. He can run up and downstairs every morning to find clothes for himself and our daughter. He can take his own clothes in for dry cleaning and repairs.

The trick was not to be angry about it. I was very factual and unemotional and just stated my position clearly, unambiguously, and unemotionally. "I don't want to do the dishes!" "Me either. Check the list I sent you. I will be happy to do the dishes if you want to pick something else to take over. I am shopping for food and cooking all of our meals. I fail to see why I should do the dishes too."

Sometimes he leaves the laundry in the basement for longer than I like, but it no longer affects me so it doesn't bother me that much. It took a few days, but he got on board.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Dear OP -

Has your DH been evaluated for a condition like ADHD?

I agree with the poster that pointed out with a little planning on his part, he most certainly could have dropped off his shirts at the dry cleaner. If not in the morning, why not last weekend or in the afternoon two days before? Why can't he help more? Are you afraid he may forget to pay a bill or whatever he needs to do?

My husband has ADHD. Has he had some slip ups with the bills? Some. Was it earth shattering? No. I just learned to create a check list for him of all the bills that need to be paid and when during the month so he doesn't forget any in the future. Visual cues are great because it is a non-verbal reminder so he is independent and I'm not riding his a$$ to get it done.

My husband also does the dishes. I cook but he cleans. Has always been our arrangement to divide the chores. While he is cleaning, I work with the kids on homework, etc. so they can get to bed at a decent hour. Usually then, by 8pm my DH and I both have time to sit and chill.

For laundry, I wash dry and iron. I used to take the clothes to the laundry room but had to stop because of a back injury. Now everyone on Friday night is responsible for putting their own laundry in the laundry room or it just doesn't get washed till the next week. My husband supervises the kids folding the laundry and putting the stuff away or he does it himself.

Again because of back issues, I go grocery shopping but my husband/kids bring in the bags. My husband also puts out the trash for the garbage collectors and my children are responsible for bringing up the cans.

OP - your are stressing out because you simply have too much on your plate. Working FT sucks with little ones. Your DH needs to step up and help out more. What would happen to your family if heaven forbid something happened to you? What did he do before you got married? No matter what his issues are, he is an adult and can do more.

Finally, on the issue your DH needed your help but you were too tired in the moment, you had every right to go on to bed. This is how I would have phrased things, "Honey, I know you need my help on this. Right now, I am too tired to give it my best attention. Can I go to bed and look at it in the morning before I go to work or can I take a copy with me and look at it during lunch?" When arguing, he needs to know you hear what his problem is and when you are willing to help. What it seems like he heard is that you didn't want to help him which probably wasn't your intended message. Again, if he is facing an expiring deadline, he is probably putting his stress of getting it done on time on you. He needs to do a better job of planning particularly if he needs your help on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For example, DH really needed to take some shirts to the cleaners' for a meeting the next day. He couldn't do it because he leaves the house too early. I was supposed to do it, but in the upset over our fight, I forgot. Today I realized that he probably went to his meeting with a dirty shirt, and I feel awful. I can't even do this, what kind of wife am I? These are pretty common thoughts for me. I either feel like a bad wife, or a bad mother, or usually both.

!

OMG, OP do you really think you are a bad wife, because you forgot to take his shirts in? Did your husband really put this responsibility on you? Do you have a sink in the house? Laundry Soap? An iron and ironing board? DH is a grown man, who presumably can wash, rinse and iron his own shirt.

Besides, if he waited until the night before a meeting the next day to realize he didn't have any clean shirts, then whose fault is that? What are you, the clean shirt monitor?

[Anonymous]

Counseling might really help. But in the meantime, I'll share what really helps me - Every morning I set an intention for my day. I either do it during prayer or meditation, but it's not a religious thing at all.

Example - This morning I set an intention to act in love and with compassion towards every person I come into contact with. I will likely fail several times. But my intent is what is key. That means acting in love towards people I share the road and sidewalk with, the cashier or wait staff at the restaurant, my family, my co-workers, my friends and neighbors, the people I run into who are less-than-kind to me, and even my husband's ex-wife (who truly would not spit on me if I were on fire).

Going through my day with the intent of acting with love and compassion in every interaction forces me to focus on something other than myself. Again, I won't always succeed. But the intent is there and that is what matters.

Just give it a try..... Sending love and light your way today.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've gotten a lot of great advice here, which is important, because I think there isn't "one magic thing" you can do to get your life back on track. Attacking it from a lot of different angles is key (but +10000 to the therapy advice -- it's just like going to a personal trainer at the gym. You resist because you know you'll have to really work and it will be uncomfortable, but that's the only way to get results).

I just wanted to throw one more thing against the wall to see if it sticks: one thing that really helped me was to get away from the mindset of "I will list all the chores that need doing, and DH will pick some." Instead, I told DH "Look, I love you, but you are a grown-ass man, and I am not your mom. Look around, see what needs doing, and do it." It took a while, and we both occasionally fall into the old pattern of drill sergeant/grunt, but we recognize it and break the cycle.

Anyway, I hope you're doing better. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this! NP here, and i could be you! Its been helpful for me to read all of this.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, it is great to come back to this thread and read new thoughts, as well as re-read all the advice. I keep thinking about this - what is my responsibility, how can I turn things around...

DH and I are still not in a good place. We have fallen into the low point of our usual cycle, where we feed off of each other's negative energy. One of us needs to make a few steps forward to connect us again, and I am really trying to be that person, but I am finding it so, so hard right now. I am just too tired from everyday life.

I see a lot of good advice, but I think making some changes in him on these little everyday things will need to be shelved right now. We are just too sensitive about everything. We need to have some happiness and enjoyment back first. I don't even have the energy to start big conversations.

I just bought a big family calendar, and I will organize us a little better, with to do lists for both him and me to see, not just me. I will write a list of all the bills and their due dates, account passwords etc., so he can be in charge of that. I will also leave the dishes in the sink, if he insisted that he would do it but then falls asleep on the couch. The next morning he will need to wash and make bottles for the baby because he takes him to daycare.

And I will try not to feel petty thinking like this, because I honestly do, and I like myself even less...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a way I am in the same boat, but my husband does less. Each day I try to do something small for myself that makes *me* happy (e.g. take a bath, go to the store by myself, read an article, or what I am doing now --- surf dcurbanmom After I get that small 'me time', even if 15-30 minutes, I tend to appreciate what I have.My life may not be perfect (and very hectic WOHM) but I realize I am better off than many who are less fortunate. I do still have my down days ... but I am trying my best to find ways to reduce those days.

+1 Treat yourself well so your children will learn to treat others as well as themselves well! Allow yourself to have down days and have Trader Joe's or frozen meals from Vace's ready in the freezer. Give yourself a break and tell your DH to deal with his own shirts. No kidding. He wears them and probably drives right past several cleaners. We all have good days and ad days because we are human. Chin up! You are awesome and in good company!

[Anonymous]

Did anything bad happen because your husband wore a dirty shirt to work? Probably not.
Will anything bad happen if dirty dishes sit overnight. Eh, they'll be a little more difficult to wash, but the world won't fall apart.
Will anything bad happen if a toddler leaves the house with messy hair once in a while? Nope.
One thing that will help you is to differentiate what must be done without fail (i.e. pay the mortgage on time) vs. what is less of a priority (having all the books on the bookshelf facing the correct way.)

Once, someone told me, "don't be such a perfectionist!" My first thought was I'm not a perfectionist! If I was a perfectionist, I would be more perfect.