I am mean, unhappy and make everyone miserable

[Anonymous]

That is pretty much what my husband said to me last night... I wish I could say he was completely wrong, but I feel that way on the inside too...

My life revolves around taking care of my family - I work full time at a demanding job with a long commute, I handle most household matters, I am in charge of paying the bills and deciding what's for dinner...

And I am also not very patient, don't let things slide, and get resentful if my husband is sitting on the couch and I am doing dishes.

I want to move away from thinking about things with a 50/50 mindset. I want to be happy with my life, instead of always worrying about the next chore, the next bill, or how much weight I need to lose. Ever since my second child was born a year ago, I have felt lost, unsatisfied, and like nothing brings me joy anymore.

Please, give me some small things I can do to start turning things around and feel happy - I have a lot to be grateful for, I don't know why I am so pessimistic all the time.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel very worn down? It sounds like you do a lot and getting worn down by work and family stuff can make anyone unhappy after a while. I don't believe that women can necessarily "have it all" without something suffering at some point-- in this case, your own happiness and ability to smile. Can you just say to your husband, "DH, I'm at my wit's end here and I really need a break?" Can you take a weekend/week long trip and leave the kids with their grandparents if they're available? If your and DH's parents don't see your kids every weekend, they might welcome the opportunity. Or if you can't just bring the kids along on a trip to the beach in Florida or somewhere else warm.

What about getting a LivingSocial coupon for a housekeeper for a day? They have good deals on the site sometimes. If your husband balks, say we need it, make it an early anniversary present or something.

Ask him to pick up a tray or two of food from a takeout place like Carmines or get a pizza with wine so you don't have to plan dinner. Tell him something like this would make you really, really happy. And you want to go to bed early afterward. And if the one year old baby cries, your DH has to deal with them for the night because mommy needs to sleep for once.

[Anonymous]

Can't you hire someone to clean? Also, no house is 50/50 but he has to get involved with some of the family chores. You sound exhausted.

[Anonymous]

If I were doing everything you are, I'd be unhappy too. And mean and out of patience. If you are feeling overburdened and miserable, I'm not sure how you're supposed to spread love and joy, especially to the person who is overburdening you and then criticizing you.

I feel like I have to recommend counseling. Individual and marriage. It would help so much.

But you asked for small things, and those are not it. So...
--Can you make a list of your chores/tasks and figure out some that can be put off and for how long?
--I am trying to get more into freezer cooking, so I have a bunch of meals available and ready to heat when I don't feel like cooking. That might help with the meal planning.
--Can you hire some household help? Maybe someone to do the heavy cleaning once a month?

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I am kind of the same way, OP, and I have been told to keep a gratitude journal. Every morning, list three things you are grateful for. And concentrate on them for a bit. It helps.

[Anonymous]

I basically could have written your post. DH approached me in a concerned way. He recognized that I was overwhelmed, and he asked me to choose certain things that are solely for him to worry about. He does the dishes and the laundry. One groundrule was that I can't nitpick about how he does those things. That helped a lot. Also, DC is now 16 months, and things are easier than the first 6 months.

I think you need to find ways to not be so overwhelmed. It's still a continuing battle for me, but it has improved.

[Anonymous]

Um, poster at 17:03, could you maybe get your husband to write an instructional post "what to do when your wife is overwhelmed"? He sounds awesome!

[Anonymous]

This is OP... Now I feel a little bad because we do in fact have a cleaning service every other week, and I am not exactly a gourmet cook - pasta and takeout are on the menu pretty much every week. My husband does anything I ask him to... But I just feel that it is all on me to plan, decide, and worry about. And it is the same thing every single day. Just the thought of packing lunches for the kids for the next day fills me with despair, and I am only half joking.

Funny that someone said I should try to go to bed earlier - this is exactly what started this incident. DH needed me to help him with writing something (he likes when I proof-read things for him), and I really wanted to go to bed early, so I said something to that effect. Well, he hates asking me for help, so he got all bent out of shape and this is what brought on his comment - that I never seem satisfied and make everyone unhappy in the process. It was really uncalled for for this particular incident, but I could also have been more understanding - I know what he was writing was important and it means a lot to him if I can help. I just didn't have it in me to be generous at that time...but I should have, and this is all just a symptom of a bigger problem.

I like the idea of journaling things to be grateful for. And I agree that counseling is most likely in order. I am almost afraid to open the floodgates though. And I don't have the time or money to commit to it right now.

I know, if I don't do anything different, I shouldn't really expect different outcomes. Thanks for letting me say this and reading it!

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your own flaws, as well as your husband's, and you also understand his good points. I think that's a very good starting point for therapy. Maybe you could look at it as preventive maintenance? Get some help before things reach a much worse point? Also, it sounds like your kids are really little, so no wonder you are overwhelmed!

A couple things:

I just feel that it is all on me to plan, decide, and worry about.

I totally hear you. It sucks to be the person IN CHARGE all the time, even when you are getting help. Speaking of...

Now I feel a little bad because we do in fact have a cleaning service every other week...

Don't feel bad! That's great.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you dont like yourself deep down. Therapy to get at what's getting to you. Try yoga, journaling. You need to learn more about yourself.

I bet you DH gets bent out of shape not because he hates asking, it's because he needs your help but knows it'll be task just to ask you. You're probably good deep down but you don't want to deal with the hard work that is needed to figure yourself out.

[Anonymous]

OP again -

this really got to me, "I bet you DH gets bent out of shape not because he hates asking, it's because he needs your help but knows it'll be task just to ask you"

PP, this is so true..God, I truly feel like an awful, miserable person. The one thing I thought I was good at was "figuring myself out", but perhaps I suck at that too. Perhaps you are right - it might be too much work to deal with myself, so I just don't.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist say, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for posting. You sound like my husband and his family. Real downers. I'd be interested in responses.

[Anonymous]

I don't go to counseling...Or was that a hint that I should run, not walk to a therapist?

I went as far as making a call a few months ago, but I didn't follow through. I am afraid and nervous, and kept thinking I can deal with this by myself.

[Anonymous]

Go. I felt like this a few months ago and it is really scary, but has helped so much.