Husband too close to female friend?

[Anonymous]

250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

PP, how long did your DH continue with the EA? Did you start to feel normal after it was over? What did he do to you or the family that was awful during the affair? Just trying to pick out the common behaviors. A co-worker whose husband cheated on her said he was argumentative and started fights.

[Anonymous]

250 texts per day????? Of course it's inappropriate!! It's wildly, insanely inappropriate. I bet I don't text my husband that many times per year.

Honestly, I'd be far more upset if my husband was doing this than if he was just having sex with someone. 250 texts means he's thinking of this other woman literally every waking moment of the day.

[Anonymous]

The 250 texts/day sounds more more obsessive. Is he mentally stable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 250 texts/day sounds more more obsessive. Is he mentally stable?

Agree. I might be tempted to poke my own eyes out if I had to text someone that many times a day. Your husband may not be having sex with this woman but he obviously has strong feelings for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:250 texts per day????? Of course it's inappropriate!! It's wildly, insanely inappropriate. I bet I don't text my husband that many times per year.

Honestly, I'd be far more upset if my husband was doing this than if he was just having sex with someone. 250 texts means he's thinking of this other woman literally every waking moment of the day.

I don't text my husband that much in a year and I don't think I send that many text total in a year. There is something seriously wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

Did you divorce or separate? Or are you still together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman with several male friends - almost all the husbands of my good friends. I sometimes text or facebook with them, almost always about get-together logistics. Occasionally about shared interests, like working out or cooking. This doesn't ruffle any feathers bc I have complete transparency with my spouse & theirs. I often fw texts or cc emails. THAT is what a platonic friendship looks like. OP, you're being played.

Me too. And I can't imagine contacting them 60-80 times a day, let alone 250 times.

[Anonymous]

OP - just out of curiosity, does your husband work in DC and do you live in Maryland? Is your husbands initials R.E.? I think I may be the friend that you are speaking of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

Did you divorce or separate? Or are you still together?

We are still together. We went to counseling and basically rebuilt our marriage from the ground up. Still have a long way to go, but we are doing much better. I think his EA partner is getting divorced.

When we hit a crisis point in our life we often think another man or woman can save us. We want to re-invent ourselves and infatuation lets us do that - we are funnier and sexier and more compassionate than we thought. It's like waking up and feeling alive again. But it doesn't last. Reality always moves things from the extreme to the center. The intensity lessens and things settle down. If you want to become a better man or a better woman, you have to do the work yourself and not rely on someone to do it for you. My DH finally realized that. His affair partner was just a woman, with flaws and needs to be met just like any woman. She was an almost 40 year old soon-to-be single mom divorced coworker with a desperate need to make a man want her, whether that man was married or not. She was not going to save him and make him a better man, and he was not going to rescue her from her unhappy life and make it all better.

It was shocking to realize how much growing up he had to do, but I had a lot of growing up to do too and ultimately we had said for better or worse. If this was worse I needed to work it through it. It sucked but we learned a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

PP, how long did your DH continue with the EA? Did you start to feel normal after it was over? What did he do to you or the family that was awful during the affair? Just trying to pick out the common behaviors. A co-worker whose husband cheated on her said he was argumentative and started fights.

I believe the entire thing lasted over a year, but I don't think the first few months were that intense, nor were the last few months (their job changed and they no longer saw each other every day). Our marriage was screwed up, and I was focusing on myself and our two young kids. I saw how I contributed, but in a way, I didn't care. I think deep down, he was so awful and things were so bad between us, and I knew who she was, and she just didn't seem like a threat. She had always been his overweight bordering on frumpy coworker friend. I have to hand it to her, she did lose some weight and looked better the last time I saw her during the thick of the affair. I think deep down I was in denial and I thought to some extent, they can have each other.

He was awful during the affair in that he did pick fights, he seemed incredibly frustrated with me, the kids, our family. Toward the end he stopped doing the things around the house he normally did (he was always really good about cleaning up, cooking, etc.). Both of our moms noticed something was up and thought he was just uncomfortable to be around and seemed incredibly depressed. His mom wanted him to go on medication. He did see a therapist, but he wasn't honest with her and didn't bring up the infatuation he had with this woman. He just talked about his career troubles. He has always been an extreme compartmentalizer which I think is how affairs thrive. But it began to break down. He told me while it was going on, he felt a profound shame that he was floundering through life and relying on this woman. And he was trying so hard to justify what he was doing, he told himself (and eventually me), that I had lost passion for life, we had nothing in common, etc. She was doing the same thing with her DH.

I will never understand the appeal of having a relationship with someone who was so quick to throw their spouse and mother/father of their children under the bus like that. But that's part of it I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's exactly how I was with the guy with whom I am now having an affair.

Ditto.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

PP, how long did your DH continue with the EA? Did you start to feel normal after it was over? What did he do to you or the family that was awful during the affair? Just trying to pick out the common behaviors. A co-worker whose husband cheated on her said he was argumentative and started fights.

I believe the entire thing lasted over a year, but I don't think the first few months were that intense, nor were the last few months (their job changed and they no longer saw each other every day). Our marriage was screwed up, and I was focusing on myself and our two young kids. I saw how I contributed, but in a way, I didn't care. I think deep down, he was so awful and things were so bad between us, and I knew who she was, and she just didn't seem like a threat. She had always been his overweight bordering on frumpy coworker friend. I have to hand it to her, she did lose some weight and looked better the last time I saw her during the thick of the affair. I think deep down I was in denial and I thought to some extent, they can have each other.

He was awful during the affair in that he did pick fights, he seemed incredibly frustrated with me, the kids, our family. Toward the end he stopped doing the things around the house he normally did (he was always really good about cleaning up, cooking, etc.). Both of our moms noticed something was up and thought he was just uncomfortable to be around and seemed incredibly depressed. His mom wanted him to go on medication. He did see a therapist, but he wasn't honest with her and didn't bring up the infatuation he had with this woman. He just talked about his career troubles. He has always been an extreme compartmentalizer which I think is how affairs thrive. But it began to break down. He told me while it was going on, he felt a profound shame that he was floundering through life and relying on this woman. And he was trying so hard to justify what he was doing, he told himself (and eventually me), that I had lost passion for life, we had nothing in common, etc. She was doing the same thing with her DH.

I will never understand the appeal of having a relationship with someone who was so quick to throw their spouse and mother/father of their children under the bus like that. But that's part of it I guess.

Was he still living in the house with your during the affair? Had he moved out at this point or was he still living in the same house with you? How did you find out? What happened at the end?

[Anonymous]

I found a couple of texts from my husband's co-worker on his phone that I didn't like the sound of...so I stomped the shit out of his phone in front of him and he never did it again.

He had to get a new phone though.