Husband too close to female friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's exactly how I was with the guy with whom I am now having an affair.

Was he married?

Yes. We are co-workers. Now living together.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your feedback. It helps to hear some unbiased opinions from total strangers. Loved ones can be too close to the situation to give unbiased advice.

[Anonymous]

Unbelieveable!! They are making a fool of you!
They must be besotted with one another. I can't even imagine my husband texting a female co-worker more than occassionally about something (probably work related)!
I'd chuck his phone out the car for starters.
Take back your husband! Or let him go

[Anonymous]

I am a married woman with several male friends - almost all the husbands of my good friends. I sometimes text or facebook with them, almost always about get-together logistics. Occasionally about shared interests, like working out or cooking. This doesn't ruffle any feathers bc I have complete transparency with my spouse & theirs. I often fw texts or cc emails. THAT is what a platonic friendship looks like. OP, you're being played.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am single (divorced) and I would never have this much contact with a married man. Never! Unless I wanted to have an affair with him. But I don't do that (have affairs with married men).

I hope you straighten this out.

[Anonymous]

so completely, utterly wrong. I'm so sorry. He's either flat out lying or in huge denial because deep down he knows its wrong.If they're not already having a physical affair,they are well on their way and this is a totally, wholly inappropriate amount of contact.

I would probably set up an appointment with a therapist, then tell him that his behavior is jeopardizing the marriage, and insist that you go together to counseling, where he tells you whatever he needs to tell you in front of a third party. Tell him that for him to have that much contact with another woman means there are problems in the marriage that you both need to address before divorcing. Thats what I told DH when he was treading on thin ice and it woke him up. He still, to this day, doesn't think he was doing anything "wrong," but therapist convinced him that he owed it to me to stop the contact since it was clearly upsetting me--and if this other woman wasn't important, as he insisted, then he needed to give her up. While it burns me that he's never acknowledged how messed up his behavior was, he understood that I was very, very serious and that it was either me,the kids, our house, our lives or her. but not both.


good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so completely, utterly wrong. I'm so sorry. He's either flat out lying or in huge denial because deep down he knows its wrong.If they're not already having a physical affair,they are well on their way and this is a totally, wholly inappropriate amount of contact.

I would probably set up an appointment with a therapist, then tell him that his behavior is jeopardizing the marriage, and insist that you go together to counseling, where he tells you whatever he needs to tell you in front of a third party. Tell him that for him to have that much contact with another woman means there are problems in the marriage that you both need to address before divorcing. Thats what I told DH when he was treading on thin ice and it woke him up. He still, to this day, doesn't think he was doing anything "wrong," but therapist convinced him that he owed it to me to stop the contact since it was clearly upsetting me--and if this other woman wasn't important, as he insisted, then he needed to give her up. While it burns me that he's never acknowledged how messed up his behavior was, he understood that I was very, very serious and that it was either me,the kids, our house, our lives or her. but not both.


good luck.

This was my experience as well. It took almost losing his marriage for him to wake up and stop contact with his "best friend." The therapist was great at being an objective third party who told him she has seen this kind of thing end many marriages.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your husband's shoes. Nip it in the bud asap!

[Anonymous]

OP,

This makes my eyes pop:

They text when we're on vacation together, when we're doing family activities, etc. He always texts her first thing in the morning and all during their morning commute, all the way home after work, throughout the evening and right before he goes to bed at night.

[Anonymous]

Another one here who was like this with a best friend who later became a lover and the end of the relationship I was in at the time. We were absolutely falling in love; only then do you wake up thinking about a person and have them be the last thing on your mind at night while never actually talking about or engaging in sex.

Honestly, OP, if he hasn't crossed the line and they are not sexting, he has true feelings for her and you should be prepared for having counseling be more about ending your relationship than about getting him back.

[Anonymous]

he argues that he has a right to define the boundaries of their friendship

And you have the right to define the boundaries of your marriage.

You are absolutely right to raise hell and doing the right thing by going to counseling.

My heart aches for you, though. It's going to be a tough, long road--he's developed a deep attachment to someone else and no matter what else happens, you both will have to deal with the fallout. Stay strong and focused and think about therapy for yourself. Don't tell too many people in your circle--it can come back to bite you--but find someone to be on your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

he argues that he has a right to define the boundaries of their friendship

And you have the right to define the boundaries of your marriage.

You are absolutely right to raise hell and doing the right thing by going to counseling.

My heart aches for you, though. It's going to be a tough, long road--he's developed a deep attachment to someone else and no matter what else happens, you both will have to deal with the fallout. Stay strong and focused and think about therapy for yourself. Don't tell too many people in your circle--it can come back to bite you--but find someone to be on your side.

I agree it is going to be a tough long road, but there can be a better marriage at the end of it, as someone who has been there. Infatuation is not love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another one here who was like this with a best friend who later became a lover and the end of the relationship I was in at the time. We were absolutely falling in love; only then do you wake up thinking about a person and have them be the last thing on your mind at night while never actually talking about or engaging in sex.

Honestly, OP, if he hasn't crossed the line and they are not sexting, he has true feelings for her and you should be prepared for having counseling be more about ending your relationship than about getting him back.

NP. What does this mean? If they haven't had sex and are not having sex chats? If they do[i] have sex chats, does that mean OP has a better chance of reconciling with her DH?

[Anonymous]

I think of it this way: if the contact was with a male coworker would I be okay with that level of codependence? hell no. It's at the least weird, if not an affair or a precursor to one.

[Anonymous]

He's doing her