Husband too close to female friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

PP, how long did your DH continue with the EA? Did you start to feel normal after it was over? What did he do to you or the family that was awful during the affair? Just trying to pick out the common behaviors. A co-worker whose husband cheated on her said he was argumentative and started fights.

I believe the entire thing lasted over a year, but I don't think the first few months were that intense, nor were the last few months (their job changed and they no longer saw each other every day). Our marriage was screwed up, and I was focusing on myself and our two young kids. I saw how I contributed, but in a way, I didn't care. I think deep down, he was so awful and things were so bad between us, and I knew who she was, and she just didn't seem like a threat. She had always been his overweight bordering on frumpy coworker friend. I have to hand it to her, she did lose some weight and looked better the last time I saw her during the thick of the affair. I think deep down I was in denial and I thought to some extent, they can have each other.

He was awful during the affair in that he did pick fights, he seemed incredibly frustrated with me, the kids, our family. Toward the end he stopped doing the things around the house he normally did (he was always really good about cleaning up, cooking, etc.). Both of our moms noticed something was up and thought he was just uncomfortable to be around and seemed incredibly depressed. His mom wanted him to go on medication. He did see a therapist, but he wasn't honest with her and didn't bring up the infatuation he had with this woman. He just talked about his career troubles. He has always been an extreme compartmentalizer which I think is how affairs thrive. But it began to break down. He told me while it was going on, he felt a profound shame that he was floundering through life and relying on this woman. And he was trying so hard to justify what he was doing, he told himself (and eventually me), that I had lost passion for life, we had nothing in common, etc. She was doing the same thing with her DH.

I will never understand the appeal of having a relationship with someone who was so quick to throw their spouse and mother/father of their children under the bus like that. But that's part of it I guess.

Was he still living in the house with your during the affair? Had he moved out at this point or was he still living in the same house with you? How did you find out? What happened at the end?

No, by the time we separated the affair was done. I mean, I can only go by what I know and I know they still talk/see each other as part of their industry, but once we separated things got much, much better. I think he needed the wake up call. We talked much more during the separation and hung out more than the year prior when he was in the thick of the affair. There was no big discovery moment. I knew to some extent the entire time but we justified it. Like I said, she was his chubby coworker friend and we were so far gone by that time on some level I didn't care. My focus was on the kids and me, my job, etc., not our marriage. His focus was on his job and her, a little of the kids. We were drifting through life.

In terms of what happened at the end. Well, we are still pushing through trying to make sense of everything but are in a much healthier place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

They both sound really needy (the husband and the affair partner) which is normal in an affair. There is at least some level of desperation. OP read up on emotional affairs, affairs in general. They run a predictable course. My husband was so awful during his affair, not just to me but to our family, and frankly to himself. Affairs are about instant gratification so you don't have a lot of patience when you are not with your "drug" of another partner. It was torture, but I was like, well she can have him. She didn't seem so great either considering she was also married with kids.

It's taken me a year of dealing with his EA to finally feel normal again. Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn't last.

PP, how long did your DH continue with the EA? Did you start to feel normal after it was over? What did he do to you or the family that was awful during the affair? Just trying to pick out the common behaviors. A co-worker whose husband cheated on her said he was argumentative and started fights.

I believe the entire thing lasted over a year, but I don't think the first few months were that intense, nor were the last few months (their job changed and they no longer saw each other every day). Our marriage was screwed up, and I was focusing on myself and our two young kids. I saw how I contributed, but in a way, I didn't care. I think deep down, he was so awful and things were so bad between us, and I knew who she was, and she just didn't seem like a threat. She had always been his overweight bordering on frumpy coworker friend. I have to hand it to her, she did lose some weight and looked better the last time I saw her during the thick of the affair. I think deep down I was in denial and I thought to some extent, they can have each other.

He was awful during the affair in that he did pick fights, he seemed incredibly frustrated with me, the kids, our family. Toward the end he stopped doing the things around the house he normally did (he was always really good about cleaning up, cooking, etc.). Both of our moms noticed something was up and thought he was just uncomfortable to be around and seemed incredibly depressed. His mom wanted him to go on medication. He did see a therapist, but he wasn't honest with her and didn't bring up the infatuation he had with this woman. He just talked about his career troubles. He has always been an extreme compartmentalizer which I think is how affairs thrive. But it began to break down. He told me while it was going on, he felt a profound shame that he was floundering through life and relying on this woman. And he was trying so hard to justify what he was doing, he told himself (and eventually me), that I had lost passion for life, we had nothing in common, etc. She was doing the same thing with her DH.

I will never understand the appeal of having a relationship with someone who was so quick to throw their spouse and mother/father of their children under the bus like that. But that's part of it I guess.

Was he still living in the house with your during the affair? Had he moved out at this point or was he still living in the same house with you? How did you find out? What happened at the end?

No, by the time we separated the affair was done. I mean, I can only go by what I know and I know they still talk/see each other as part of their industry, but once we separated things got much, much better. I think he needed the wake up call. We talked much more during the separation and hung out more than the year prior when he was in the thick of the affair. There was no big discovery moment. I knew to some extent the entire time but we justified it. Like I said, she was his chubby coworker friend and we were so far gone by that time on some level I didn't care. My focus was on the kids and me, my job, etc., not our marriage. His focus was on his job and her, a little of the kids. We were drifting through life.

In terms of what happened at the end. Well, we are still pushing through trying to make sense of everything but are in a much healthier place now.

Can you clarify this? Are you separated, divorced, still married?

[Anonymous]

I know what you are going through. One of my best friend, lady friend keeps texting my husbant. She's married, 3 kids. She does that to single men but since last year she's been doing it with mine. I talk with my husband that I didn't like it and says she means nothing but only a friend. For me it's BS. She text him every second day and even on saturday morning. What I hate the most is that when they end the text it's with images of smily face (kissing, hearts.... She's always the one starting the texts and now my husband has a nick name for her "SUNSHINES". What the fuck..... Want to go and talk with her but don't know how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Oh god he needs to stop NOW, this is why i don't like co-workers, there is always a problem with them, most men get into affairs with their co-workers and they wives are oblivious don't be one of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:250 texts a day? WTF is there to talk about with anybody that much? Guy would drive me crazy (if I was on the receiving end of the texts).

I was thinking similar. I have friends who are men. We do text, but that much? No. I'd shut my phone off or he would.

That said, I could not live without my male friends. Could not breathe. They supply an energy so much different than women and I need that in my life, beyond my husband. And no, I don't sleep with them and there is transparency.

[Anonymous]

Op do you have a young child?

[Anonymous]

What is she providing to him that you're not providing, OP? It takes two people to turn a marriage into a mess. If you can fix those things, he wouldn't be texting this woman 100+ times per day.

[Anonymous]

It's a two-year-old thread, people.

[Anonymous]

No way. Not ok.
He wants to sleep w her.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am an Indian and I have been going thru the exact same thing.My husband's best friend is a female and they have more contact than me. I have expressed my feelings to him and have told him that it makes me insecure but he just says that he cannot change things just because hes married to me, Not a minute goes by without them texting each other. He has even lied to me about meeting her and he does not show me his mobile.It is password protected and I never get to see. Once after marriage i happened to see the messages and he has told her that he will want a girl like her and they end their message like "I -- U". HE never goes out wothout her.

She is also married and is mother of a 5 year old.I mentioned I was Indian coz divorce and splitting up are not really easy.But I am slowly losing interest and we dont even make love often these days. I am so worried.Other than this he is very affectionate gets me gifts and takes me around. Should I just wait or think about splitting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I am an Indian and I have been going thru the exact same thing.My husband's best friend is a female and they have more contact than me. I have expressed my feelings to him and have told him that it makes me insecure but he just says that he cannot change things just because hes married to me, Not a minute goes by without them texting each other. He has even lied to me about meeting her and he does not show me his mobile.It is password protected and I never get to see. Once after marriage i happened to see the messages and he has told her that he will want a girl like her and they end their message like "I -- U". HE never goes out wothout her.

She is also married and is mother of a 5 year old.I mentioned I was Indian coz divorce and splitting up are not really easy.But I am slowly losing interest and we dont even make love often these days. I am so worried.Other than this he is very affectionate gets me gifts and takes me around. Should I just wait or think about splitting?

Yes, you should divorce. And you should let her husband know exactly why you are divorcing - with evidence of the affair, preferably.

Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com for support and advice.

And good luck.

[Anonymous]

They're already fucking, OP. Rest assured of that. Now, whether you are ready to face the truth is a different matter. But they're fucking each other. Yes, they are.

[Anonymous]

I am a married man and I was lured into texting with a woman that I worked with. I never used to give out my phone number, and she knew this, which is probably why she pushed so hard.

We eventually were texting each other an insane amount of times per day. I didn't realize how much it was until DW pointed it out. We never had sex, but I can see how over time it could have led to it.

Luckily my DW caught it on the phone bill, confronted me about it, and we went to counseling. It was a tough couple of years, but we are better off now than we were before it happened.

For the life of me I still can't figure out how I got pulled into it to begin with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a married man and I was lured into texting with a woman that I worked with. I never used to give out my phone number, and she knew this, which is probably why she pushed so hard.

We eventually were texting each other an insane amount of times per day. I didn't realize how much it was until DW pointed it out. We never had sex, but I can see how over time it could have led to it.

Luckily my DW caught it on the phone bill, confronted me about it, and we went to counseling. It was a tough couple of years, but we are better off now than we were before it happened.

For the life of me I still can't figure out how I got pulled into it to begin with!

Some affairs are started with the intent to have one.

Many happen as a result of small steps taken along the way and before the two people are fully aware they have been on a path to a full fledged affair for quite some time. Were there signs along the way? Sure. But time and space wouldn't allow me to cover them all.

Glad it worked out well for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a married man and I was lured into texting with a woman that I worked with. I never used to give out my phone number, and she knew this, which is probably why she pushed so hard.

We eventually were texting each other an insane amount of times per day. I didn't realize how much it was until DW pointed it out. We never had sex, but I can see how over time it could have led to it.

Luckily my DW caught it on the phone bill, confronted me about it, and we went to counseling. It was a tough couple of years, but we are better off now than we were before it happened.

For the life of me I still can't figure out how I got pulled into it to begin with!

Certainly not by taking personal responsibility, it seems.