Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother

[Anonymous]

I would say to your sister "I do not want to hear you insult a child. You can say any mean thing you want about an adult, but I draw the line about insults about a child."

When she says mean things about this girl, either leave, or freeze her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well the apple has not fallen far from the tree! Your approach is cowardly too. I an't believe you needed an anonymous forum to persuade you to do something. You seem so afraid of your sister's outburst and you are a grown ass woman. Imagine how terrified this child must be of your sister! The karma that will come to you for turnig your back on this child...and the karma your sister will experience for treating this child so horribly is going to be unbelievable!! I am so disgusted by your sister's behavoir and wish I knew her basic info so I could turn her into CPS. This is going to affect this child for the rest of her life. How can you sleep at night knowing this and knowing you have not done anything to help this poor child. If this child gets the courage to tell a mandated reporter ( teacher, doctor,social worker or school counselor) you could find yourself in trouble because you witnessed tihs abuse and did NOTHING! Emotional abuse is treated by many as just as, if not more, damaging than physical abuse. Get a spine! Your sister is a monster and you are sitting by condoning this with your silence. You never know, you may need the help of another one day and you would hate for someone to sit by and watch you in need and do NOTHING!!

Back down a bit, PP. I'm doing the best I can here. I readily admit that my approach has been cowardly. It's really easy for someone on the outside (you) to cast stones, without being in this position. From here on the inside, the solutions don't appear so easy or clear-cut. It's not just that I am afraid of my sister yelling at me. I am afraid of losing all contact with her child and step-child.

Not the PP, but I was going to write largely the same thing (about the apple not falling far from the tree). You have witnessed this mistreatment for years, have made half-hearted attempts to address it but backed down immediately because your sister blows up, and you call OTHERS cowardly? And now you spin it that you're afraid of losing contact with your nieces? Pretty selfish - you refuse to take actions becaus the personal consequences for you would hurt your feelings. It's not like being in contact with you is doing your step-niece a whole lot of good anyway, is it? You're just modeling yet another adult who watches her get mistreated and stands idly by - can't be bothered to inetrvene. Grow a set, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the step-child is old enough to have email. Give her your email address and phone #. Next time you hug her goodbye look her straight in the eyes and say, "I want you to know I see what's going on, and it's not your fault. I'm working on stuff for you behind the scenes to help, it's going to take time, but you need to carry in your heart that you're not alone, and what she's doing is wrong and it's in no way your fault, okay?"

Plant that seed for her. She may need to cling to that seed for dear life. But then really DO go work on this. Screw your sister - you'll have your other siblings. I'm the family member in my family with the big mouth. There's no passive-aggressive bullshit with me, and I don't let people get away with treating anyone like shit in front of me.

PP, the stepdaughter may not take the initiative and contact the aunt in this case. The aunt has been a witness to the abuse for years, and hasn't protected the child. For her to offer the child a lifeline now would be confusing. Her niece has probably also internalized some of the negativity by now, so that would also make it harder for her to seek help.

OP, you have to do something. You really do. If the abuse weren't so blatant, the "you're not in this situation so you don't understand how hard it is" would make sense, but not in this case.

Another note: Your sister seems to be very troubled, and your reactions to this situation don't resonate great mental health either. It wouldn't be a bad idea if you were to consider counseling for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well the apple has not fallen far from the tree! Your approach is cowardly too. I an't believe you needed an anonymous forum to persuade you to do something. You seem so afraid of your sister's outburst and you are a grown ass woman. Imagine how terrified this child must be of your sister! The karma that will come to you for turnig your back on this child...and the karma your sister will experience for treating this child so horribly is going to be unbelievable!! I am so disgusted by your sister's behavoir and wish I knew her basic info so I could turn her into CPS. This is going to affect this child for the rest of her life. How can you sleep at night knowing this and knowing you have not done anything to help this poor child. If this child gets the courage to tell a mandated reporter ( teacher, doctor,social worker or school counselor) you could find yourself in trouble because you witnessed tihs abuse and did NOTHING! Emotional abuse is treated by many as just as, if not more, damaging than physical abuse. Get a spine! Your sister is a monster and you are sitting by condoning this with your silence. You never know, you may need the help of another one day and you would hate for someone to sit by and watch you in need and do NOTHING!!

Back down a bit, PP. I'm doing the best I can here. I readily admit that my approach has been cowardly. It's really easy for someone on the outside (you) to cast stones, without being in this position. From here on the inside, the solutions don't appear so easy or clear-cut. It's not just that I am afraid of my sister yelling at me. I am afraid of losing all contact with her child and step-child.

Not the PP, but I was going to write largely the same thing (about the apple not falling far from the tree). You have witnessed this mistreatment for years, have made half-hearted attempts to address it but backed down immediately because your sister blows up, and you call OTHERS cowardly? And now you spin it that you're afraid of losing contact with your nieces? Pretty selfish - you refuse to take actions becaus the personal consequences for you would hurt your feelings. It's not like being in contact with you is doing your step-niece a whole lot of good anyway, is it? You're just modeling yet another adult who watches her get mistreated and stands idly by - can't be bothered to inetrvene. Grow a set, OP.

Not the poster you quoted, but I'm guessing it's not so much about hurting her feelings, but more about the fact that how helpful could the aunt possibly be to the daughter if she is cut out of the relationship with her by the mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I can see how people might wonder how I could actually have a relationship with my sister. It's hard to turn your back on your sibling, even when they are acting so horribly. She's my sister. And, although she is being truly horrible in many ways, she has some good in her. Also, I love her child, and I love her step-daughter too. No relationship with my sister would mean severing ties with the kids as well.

Anyway, my parents are of no help. They are cowards, and would never do or say anything to make trouble.

Talking to the husband - that's something I've thought about...it's another case where it would definitely get back to my sister, for one, and also I have a hard time grasping exactly how he feels about everything. At times he seems to agree that my sister is way out of line, but at the same time he's a pretty strict parent and I think he interprets some of what my sister does as tough love. Also, he doesn't like his ex-wife, either, and that plays into it. He's tough to figure out.

After reading the comments here, I really feel more strongly that I should at least call the counselor...and that I need to tell my sister how I feel about what I'm seeing and hearing. That will be hard, and I'm not sure how to do it. I totally disagree with the MYOB approach of a couple of the first posters, but one of them said something that I think may be true, and that is "you aren't going to be able to change your sister."

No, it's pretty easy. If someone is an ass, family or not, I don't choose to spend time with them.

You too are a coward because you are afraid of your sister and allow a child to be treated horribly. Step up and speak out the next time your sister says anything you mentioned in your op. If you hear her say "that's stupid, her mom would do that" say immediately." That is a terrible and inappropriate thing to say to a child." If your sister gets pissy then you say "Your defensiveness and pissy attitude stems from the fact that I just called you out on your inappropriate behavior. "

[Anonymous]

I am amazed at the people who are saying MYOB. Your actions can truly change the course of this little girl's life. Your sister is acting like a monster and you need to call her out on it.

[Anonymous]

You have to do something, talk to her mom.

[Anonymous]

I think talking to the counselor is a good first step. She's the professional, and it is her professional obligation to contact CPS if necessary.

I would also stand up for your niece more in the moment. Clearly your sister wishes she could just delete her husband's past, but in the process she is damaging a perfectly innocent child. Thank God she is already in counseling.

[Anonymous]

OP this little girl's future is on the line. You have to act. Even if you lose your sister because of it. As others have said, there would be no room in my life for a person who harms a child.

I would tape my sister on my cell phone. I would call the mom and tell her what you've told us. I would find out who the mom's lawyer was and send them a letter (divorce agreements are public information and you can find out who represented the mom). I would cc: the counselor, the principal. I would do whatever I had to do to spare that child the emotional abuse she's enduring.

You can't sit by and allow this to go on. The girl would be better off not seeing her father at all than being abused this way.

- Child of divorce, divorced myself.

[Anonymous]

I have a close relative who went through the same situation, as the child, always hated on by the step mom. The effects are lifelong. If you feel that what your sister doing isn't right, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Stop the excuses. You can help this girl if you try. It MIGHT not work out ideally in the end if you do something, but it is DEFINITELY not working out if you continue to do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Call therapist...speak to the father...
ur sister is sick and is emotionally abusing this child
I am step-mother(my sdd is now an adult)....
I cannot imagine doing this to her when she was a child living with us and I COULD Imagine even LESS BEING MARRIED TO A MAN WHO WOULD ALLOW ME TO DO THIS TO HIS CHILD.
I expect the father of my child to fight every demon in hell to protect his kids EVEN IF THAT DEMON IS ME!

[Anonymous]

Your sister and her husband are both bad parents. To be raising her own child in this environment is toxic. They have mental health problems. Your family has always walked on eggshells around your sister. You can't change her and she lacks empathy so don't try. I'd contact the counselor, she/he is a mandatory reporter. I agree that taping or otherwise documenting is a good idea. You could even call the mom's lawyer.

What your do will blow the situation but it needs to, not just for SDD's sake but for your niece's well being. Your sister is mentally ill and if she has a personality disorder it's unlikely to change. The abusive enviroment that BOTH kids are growing up in needs to change. None of the 3 adults, sis, husband, other mom, has changed it. You need to get the authorities involved. I'd contact the lawyer and the counselor and possibly SDD's school. Is your niece in school yet?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe that people are telling you to stay out of it. This IS abuse and you should step in. Based on your description of the family dynamics, both you and the girl's father are hesitant to stand up for her because your sister turns the abuse on the adult instead. I don't think you are cowardly; it is natural to avoid this type of abusive confrontation. Confronting your sister's abusive behavior will not solve the problem, and you've been strategizing to get involved in the most effective way.

It sounds like the girl's parents are not receptive to hearing about the abuse. I would talk to the therapist, who is a mandatory reporter and can advise the mother on revising custody agreements in order to keep her daughter safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call therapist...speak to the father...
ur sister is sick and is emotionally abusing this child
I am step-mother(my sdd is now an adult)....
I cannot imagine doing this to her when she was a child living with us and I COULD Imagine even LESS BEING MARRIED TO A MAN WHO WOULD ALLOW ME TO DO THIS TO HIS CHILD.
I expect the father of my child to fight every demon in hell to protect his kids EVEN IF THAT DEMON IS ME!

This poster again....
my husband was married before me (not the child's mother -- he was a teen father)
he divorced his 1st wife for this exact behaviour.
The dad is sick too...they all need help too
Whatever you do will cause upheaval...but that is what needs to happen...there is no delicate way to resolve dysfunction

[Anonymous]

First off OP, I am glad there are people like you who care. This reminds me so much of the scenario with my husband and his siblings and his stepmom. Stepmom's sister was sooo kind and loving to them and stepmom was emotionally abusive.

I don't think you should MYOB, but I would tread lightly since you may not know the whole story. I might say something like "It seems like she really stresses you out. Why?" In her defense, the Step-D may do things you don't see. I would then suggest they find a really good family therapist who specializes in step-families.