Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother

[Anonymous]

How about the Dad... any chance of talking sense into him? Could he stand up to your sister?

[Anonymous]

Your sister is doing irreparable damage to this child. It is abuse and will have long lasting effects on her self esteem, etc. PLEASE help her. Take a weekend and go away with your sister to a neutral place, just the two of you. Sit her down and talk to her very honestly and earnestly. Ask her to imagine what it would be like to be treated like this. Ask her how she would feel if someone emotionally abused her child this same way. Can she remember being a little, defenseless kid? How would this feel to her? Explain to her how seriously wrong you think this is. I cannot even begin to understand how she could talk to a child this way - it really is so so sad. No matter how much she dislikes the mother, it is time to grow the fuck up and stop her selfish behavior. This ISN'T about her, it is about a child that is faultless in the problems between her parents. I'm disgusted that her father isn't advocating on her behalf. Please help this poor kid!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but how can you have a relationship with your sister? She sounds like a monster. Are your parents living? What is their take on the situation?

[Anonymous]

As a child who grew up in an abusive household where all the adults in my life were blind and/or pretended to be, I hope you find the courage to stick your neck out for her. Talk to her mother and offer your support, tell her that you are upset by what you witness and would like to work with her to find a better arrangement for her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister sounds like a bitch. I'd be direct with her and deal with the blow-ups.

i agree with this. The fact there arepeople telling you to myob is truly HORRIFYING? These must be child abusers themselves. It is not ok to stand back and idly watch one person abuse another no matter who it is. I stood up for a dept store employee who was being repeatedly mistreated by a customer who was a complete bitch and then i went to the manager and told them what i had seen and said. People like that have power because others give it to them. Stop being a wuss and stand up for this kud and tell your dister she can see me in hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child who grew up in an abusive household where all the adults in my life were blind and/or pretended to be, I hope you find the courage to stick your neck out for her. Talk to her mother and offer your support, tell her that you are upset by what you witness and would like to work with her to find a better arrangement for her daughter.

I agree with this 100%. This poor girl knows you see how she is treated and that you don't intervene -- that is teaching her that she deserves to be treated this way. Please do find a way to help her. I love my sister but if she were to do something like this, I hope that I would be able to make the hard decision to help a child in need, even if it risked my relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I can see how people might wonder how I could actually have a relationship with my sister. It's hard to turn your back on your sibling, even when they are acting so horribly. She's my sister. And, although she is being truly horrible in many ways, she has some good in her. Also, I love her child, and I love her step-daughter too. No relationship with my sister would mean severing ties with the kids as well.

Anyway, my parents are of no help. They are cowards, and would never do or say anything to make trouble.

Talking to the husband - that's something I've thought about...it's another case where it would definitely get back to my sister, for one, and also I have a hard time grasping exactly how he feels about everything. At times he seems to agree that my sister is way out of line, but at the same time he's a pretty strict parent and I think he interprets some of what my sister does as tough love. Also, he doesn't like his ex-wife, either, and that plays into it. He's tough to figure out.

After reading the comments here, I really feel more strongly that I should at least call the counselor...and that I need to tell my sister how I feel about what I'm seeing and hearing. That will be hard, and I'm not sure how to do it. I totally disagree with the MYOB approach of a couple of the first posters, but one of them said something that I think may be true, and that is "you aren't going to be able to change your sister."

[Anonymous]

As a single mom who has nightmares about this exact type of situation . . . PLEASE speak up. The mom prob has her hands tied by the court order and while she has an idea of what's going, can't legally do anything about it or restrict visits at this point. I'm really not sure what mom can do, if anything, if you call her. Esp if you believe that it will ultimately make it worse for the little girl.

If nothing else, call and talk to the therapist. Please. Let someone who is in a position to help know your concerns.

The only way to get custody orders changed for things like this is to have 3rd party documentation, and a lot of it. My XH is emotionally abusive and I'm terrified that my child will be in a similar position one day. The abuse that I suffered was not taken into account by the courts because there was no physical or 3rd party evidence and I hate that I have to send my child to a person who is capable of this. My only hope and this little girl's only hope is documentation and objective voices loud enough to be heard.

Please contact the therapist. Write down your concerns. Be prepared to back mom up in court if it comes to that. Don't just ignore it. That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Nothing in writing, make a phone call to the therapist or have dh/a male friend do it to make sure you remain anonymous

[Anonymous]

Okay. I am going to call the therapist. Question: if I tell her that I want this to be confidential, that she can't ever reveal from whom she received this information - is she bound by her profession to respect my request?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd call the child's mom...it may be better to have the child have supervised visitation with only the father than be subjected to that abuse

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. I am going to call the therapist. Question: if I tell her that I want this to be confidential, that she can't ever reveal from whom she received this information - is she bound by her profession to respect my request?

No, because you're not her client. But you should tell her anyway. Perhaps she can give you some suggestions on how to talk to your sister in a way where she'll hear you without blowing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I can see how people might wonder how I could actually have a relationship with my sister. It's hard to turn your back on your sibling, even when they are acting so horribly. She's my sister. And, although she is being truly horrible in many ways, she has some good in her. Also, I love her child, and I love her step-daughter too. No relationship with my sister would mean severing ties with the kids as well.

Anyway, my parents are of no help. They are cowards, and would never do or say anything to make trouble.
Talking to the husband - that's something I've thought about...it's another case where it would definitely get back to my sister, for one, and also I have a hard time grasping exactly how he feels about everything. At times he seems to agree that my sister is way out of line, but at the same time he's a pretty strict parent and I think he interprets some of what my sister does as tough love. Also, he doesn't like his ex-wife, either, and that plays into it. He's tough to figure out.

After reading the comments here, I really feel more strongly that I should at least call the counselor...and that I need to tell my sister how I feel about what I'm seeing and hearing. That will be hard, and I'm not sure how to do it. I totally disagree with the MYOB approach of a couple of the first posters, but one of them said something that I think may be true, and that is "you aren't going to be able to change your sister."

Well the apple has not fallen far from the tree! Your approach is cowardly too. I an't believe you needed an anonymous forum to persuade you to do something. You seem so afraid of your sister's outburst and you are a grown ass woman. Imagine how terrified this child must be of your sister! The karma that will come to you for turnig your back on this child...and the karma your sister will experience for treating this child so horribly is going to be unbelievable!! I am so disgusted by your sister's behavoir and wish I knew her basic info so I could turn her into CPS. This is going to affect this child for the rest of her life. How can you sleep at night knowing this and knowing you have not done anything to help this poor child. If this child gets the courage to tell a mandated reporter ( teacher, doctor,social worker or school counselor) you could find yourself in trouble because you witnessed tihs abuse and did NOTHING! Emotional abuse is treated by many as just as, if not more, damaging than physical abuse. Get a spine! Your sister is a monster and you are sitting by condoning this with your silence. You never know, you may need the help of another one day and you would hate for someone to sit by and watch you in need and do NOTHING!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well the apple has not fallen far from the tree! Your approach is cowardly too. I an't believe you needed an anonymous forum to persuade you to do something. You seem so afraid of your sister's outburst and you are a grown ass woman. Imagine how terrified this child must be of your sister! The karma that will come to you for turnig your back on this child...and the karma your sister will experience for treating this child so horribly is going to be unbelievable!! I am so disgusted by your sister's behavoir and wish I knew her basic info so I could turn her into CPS. This is going to affect this child for the rest of her life. How can you sleep at night knowing this and knowing you have not done anything to help this poor child. If this child gets the courage to tell a mandated reporter ( teacher, doctor,social worker or school counselor) you could find yourself in trouble because you witnessed tihs abuse and did NOTHING! Emotional abuse is treated by many as just as, if not more, damaging than physical abuse. Get a spine! Your sister is a monster and you are sitting by condoning this with your silence. You never know, you may need the help of another one day and you would hate for someone to sit by and watch you in need and do NOTHING!!

Back down a bit, PP. I'm doing the best I can here. I readily admit that my approach has been cowardly. It's really easy for someone on the outside (you) to cast stones, without being in this position. From here on the inside, the solutions don't appear so easy or clear-cut. It's not just that I am afraid of my sister yelling at me. I am afraid of losing all contact with her child and step-child.

[Anonymous]

OP, the step-child is old enough to have email. Give her your email address and phone #. Next time you hug her goodbye look her straight in the eyes and say, "I want you to know I see what's going on, and it's not your fault. I'm working on stuff for you behind the scenes to help, it's going to take time, but you need to carry in your heart that you're not alone, and what she's doing is wrong and it's in no way your fault, okay?"

Plant that seed for her. She may need to cling to that seed for dear life. But then really DO go work on this. Screw your sister - you'll have your other siblings. I'm the family member in my family with the big mouth. There's no passive-aggressive bullshit with me, and I don't let people get away with treating anyone like shit in front of me.