Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send the child's mother an anonymous letter describing what you've seen. Minding your own business in this situation would be morally bankrupt. Can't believe people are advising that.

Totally disagree. You don't know the whole story. Sending the mom a letter will ignite a fire you don't want to set off. Someone suggested calling the girls therapist. The therapist is a mandatory reporter for info that comes directly from the child about abuse. For all the therapist knows you are just someone trying to start drama. Most therapists would hear the allegations and tell you to report it yourself since you witnessed it. They can call CPS and report 2nd hand info, but there's not a lot you can do with info from someone who did not hear it from the victim or witness it.

I posted before about giving your sister the benefit of the doubt and just saying something like "It seems like she stresses you out a lot." See what your sister says about it. Maybe she will confess step daughter brings out the worst in her and why. Regardless, strongly suggest family therapy with a family therapist who is an expert with regard to stepfamily dynamics. My husband's stepmom was verbally abusive and it was horrible. At the same time, they did provoke her and do passive aggressive things to set her off. She was hated from the 2nd they met her and there was no affair. She met the dad when he was separated. They really needed a skilled family therapist to help develop a better dynamic. This is more complicated than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think talking to the counselor is a good first step. She's the professional, and it is her professional obligation to contact CPS if necessary.

I would also stand up for your niece more in the moment. Clearly your sister wishes she could just delete her husband's past, but in the process she is damaging a perfectly innocent child. Thank God she is already in counseling.

I responded already, but to clarify-the counselor has no idea who OP is and whether her intentions are legit. Crazy things happen if there are custody issues. Sure the counselor can report 2nd hand info, but not much CPS can do with it. Counselors must report abuse they witness or hear about directly from victim. Any good counselor would urge OP to report it herself or at least let the counselor share OPs name. CPS would need to interview OP to do anything with this info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would send the child's mother an anonymous letter describing what you've seen. Minding your own business in this situation would be morally bankrupt. Can't believe people are advising that.

Totally disagree. You don't know the whole story. Sending the mom a letter will ignite a fire you don't want to set off. Someone suggested calling the girls therapist. The therapist is a mandatory reporter for info that comes directly from the child about abuse. For all the therapist knows you are just someone trying to start drama. Most therapists would hear the allegations and tell you to report it yourself since you witnessed it. They can call CPS and report 2nd hand info, but there's not a lot you can do with info from someone who did not hear it from the victim or witness it.

I posted before about giving your sister the benefit of the doubt and just saying something like "It seems like she stresses you out a lot." See what your sister says about it. Maybe she will confess step daughter brings out the worst in her and why. Regardless, strongly suggest family therapy with a family therapist who is an expert with regard to stepfamily dynamics. My husband's stepmom was verbally abusive and it was horrible. At the same time, they did provoke her and do passive aggressive things to set her off. She was hated from the 2nd they met her and there was no affair. She met the dad when he was separated. They really needed a skilled family therapist to help develop a better dynamic. This is more complicated than you think.

It is not 2nd hand THE OP has witnessed the verbal abuse....
so it isnot a just a matter of reporting to CPS...it is a matter of the therapist having the info and dealing iwth it...even if just asking the girl about the dynamics of the household...sheesh.

[Anonymous]

I think you can't really do much that would change your sister's behavior. In your place, I would concentrate all my efforts to be the best possible step-aunt (like, super-aunt) that I can be. Your sister is not going to change, and there is probably little that can be done about it without making it worse. Skype with your step-niece, text her often, send her little presents... whatever works for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, please intervene. My husband's mom is like your sister. H never even got to know his step-sister because his mom cut her out when she was a kid. She manufactured an "offense" at the ex-wife and banned the daughter from the house when she was 10. H's dad is a wimp and pretends not to see how awful H's mom is.

H's mom also uses anger to control. Step-sister is an adult mess now because of this abuse and her own father not protecting her. H's mom's sibling are just like her and support the abuse.

I hope you step in as it looks like you're the only resource to do so. You step-niece and niece would both benefit greatly. Your sister isn't fit to be a parent to anyone.

[Anonymous]

My god, I cannot believe that you, your brother in law, and your parents allow yourself to be held hostage by this heartless bitch because she blows up and flies off the handle. WHO CARES?? You are a grown up adult. This is a CHILD. For the love of god, speak up when she says cruel things like that. Speak up RIGHT THEN, RIGHT THERE. No child deserves this. If you know anything about bullying, it's that bullies are able to behave that way because bystanders DO NOTHING. You, OP, are allowing your sister to abuse a child because you don't have the guts to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please intervene and save that child's well being and childhood.

Your sister is a bitch. I would cut communication with her over this. There is no room in my life for someone who harms a child in this way.

+1.

This is not a "mind your own business" scenario.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have called the therapist (left a message).
I just want to say that it has not been easy to know how to deal with this situation, and I appreciate the comments (the constructive ones) because it helps to get an outside perspective.

[Anonymous]

To all you indignant people loudly proclaiming that she should stand up to her sister - you do realize that the only results of this will be that 1), the sister probably comes down harder on the daughter in the future, and 2) the OP will probably be cut off by her sister, either wholly or in part, and then the daughter really has no one? You do realize that the OP standing up to the sister isn't going to change the sister, right? Op's best bet is to go through the psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a similar relationship to my own sister. For most of my life, I've walked on eggshells around her so I get where you are coming from. She and I had a falling out a few years ago b/c it was impossible to talk to her in a rational way about much of anything. So I wrote her a letter and told her everything I couldn't in person. Our relationship is better, but still not great. I would contact the counselor, but for the sake of your own moral development (I know that sounds dramatic, but I couldn't think of another term) you need to say something to her, too. If she were hitting the kid, would you stop her? Emotional abuse is just as bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all you indignant people loudly proclaiming that she should stand up to her sister - you do realize that the only results of this will be that 1), the sister probably comes down harder on the daughter in the future, and 2) the OP will probably be cut off by her sister, either wholly or in part, and then the daughter really has no one? You do realize that the OP standing up to the sister isn't going to change the sister, right? Op's best bet is to go through the psychiatrist.

Maybe so. But the child will know that the sister's behavior is not right. All she knows right now is that an adult who is supposed to care for her treats her like shit, and no one seems to have any problem with it. So, it must be true, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would send the child's mother an anonymous letter describing what you've seen. Minding your own business in this situation would be morally bankrupt. Can't believe people are advising that.

Totally disagree. You don't know the whole story. Sending the mom a letter will ignite a fire you don't want to set off. Someone suggested calling the girls therapist. The therapist is a mandatory reporter for info that comes directly from the child about abuse. For all the therapist knows you are just someone trying to start drama. Most therapists would hear the allegations and tell you to report it yourself since you witnessed it. They can call CPS and report 2nd hand info, but there's not a lot you can do with info from someone who did not hear it from the victim or witness it.

I posted before about giving your sister the benefit of the doubt and just saying something like "It seems like she stresses you out a lot." See what your sister says about it. Maybe she will confess step daughter brings out the worst in her and why. Regardless, strongly suggest family therapy with a family therapist who is an expert with regard to stepfamily dynamics. My husband's stepmom was verbally abusive and it was horrible. At the same time, they did provoke her and do passive aggressive things to set her off. She was hated from the 2nd they met her and there was no affair. She met the dad when he was separated. They really needed a skilled family therapist to help develop a better dynamic. This is more complicated than you think.

I'm one that suggested calling the therapist.
IMO, even if the therapist cannot or does not report what OP said to CPS, it at least gives the therapist additional info that can be dealt with during their sessions. Even if OP is taken as someone just starting drama, it will open up some questions and possibly alert the therapist to other issues. If there is more to the story, the additional info on how this family presents itself to others needs to be addressed as well. It can't hurt and has potential to help.

I totally agree with you that contacting mom directly is a bad idea at this point.

[Anonymous]

Not the poster you quoted, but I'm guessing it's not so much about hurting her feelings, but more about the fact that how helpful could the aunt possibly be to the daughter if she is cut out of the relationship with her by the mother?

Exactly as much help as she is now. Which is to say, not at all.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP.

Please. She's still taking the path of least resistance.