Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here tend to think if you "do something" it will necessarily change the situation for the better. It is not so. The main elements of this story are unlikely to change for the foreseeable future. 1) the sister will hate her step-daughter 2) the father (husband) will defer to his wife. The only relationship re: stepdaughter that OP can control is her won. But the best aunt, OP, and don't try to fix what you can't possibly fix.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP-do u have kids? I ask because I find that some people who don't have kids cannot grasp how challenging and manipulative teenagers can be. What specifically does your sister say stepdaughter does?

Really your sister should not be disciplining-it should be the father.

I am all for reporting true abuse, but I am confused. You think your sister is lying when she tells her side? Why? Can you give more examples of what your sister does? How old is the child?

They need counseling as a family. Encourage your sister to go this route.

[Anonymous]

I think the mom needs to be alerted. If she chooses to close her eyes on this, well, too bad. But she is the one who needs to be making decisions. I would not appreciate if someone called cps behind my back, even if for good reasons.

[Anonymous]

OP- just wanted to let you know that I have a sister who EVERYONE walks around on eggshells with and I know how hard it can be to finally stand up to someone like that. I finally did and she won't talk to me. It breaks my heart. Even though she's pretty crazy, I miss her and I miss her kids. It sounds like you are in a really tough situation and I feel for you. Sending hopes for peace and a good outcome your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't gone through this entire thread but you people are kidding yourselves if you think CPS would investigate this. CPS is dealing with families with REAL abuse- kids coming to school with cigarette burns, weeping wounds from being beaten with electrical cords. Do I think this woman has any right to tell her stepdaughter she's stupid? No. Is CPS going to get involved? HELL no.

OP, the best you can do is just call your sister out. Ask her does it make her feel good to be mean to a little girl. Ask her would she be happier if she were no longer married to her husband and had no relationship with the little girl. The dad's a pussy. I'm a stepmom and can't imagine for one SECOND my husband staying with me if I talked to my stepchild like this. My ass would be on the curb so fast, and rightfully so. If her stepdaughter makes her so miserable she can't be a good parent, stepparent, or wife, she needs to leave.

CPS might mandate family counseling or the such, but this PP is right -- the kid ain't getting taken away unless there's cigarette burns, beaten with cords/sticks, not getting fed (At. All.), etc.

The dad is a wimp hoping to keep getting nookie. OP, is your sister hot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar experience. My sister was NEVER nasty or abusive to her boyfriend's daughter but she admitted that she did not like the child. Some details are different --the child was young (birth-2 yo), she was born from the boyfriend's cheating, and my sister ended up not marrying the child's father. The issue that IS similar is her negative feelings that she had for the child. My sister said she was reading books and talking to a counselor about it.

I wonder if your sister does know deep down inside that she doesn't like her step daughter. I would pull her aside after she is abusive and tell her what the step daughter looked like/was feeling. If you can get her to admit her negativity than you can tell her to get professional help. Ask her if she would let her child be treated like that by someone.

OP here. Thanks for your comment. Your sister handled her situation much better than mine, obviously. My sister and I have indeed talked about her treatment of her step-daughter. The talks always go the same way: I point out my sister's harshness, or try to show her that the girl is just a child, and my sister launches into a huge lecture about how I have no idea what I am talking about, I have no idea what she (the daughter) is really like, that she's different when people aren't there, that she lies, etc. And then she spends an hour or more giving me examples of the child's "badness" (and I have no idea how true any of the examples are). This all may be true, but I still maintain that the kid is just acting like a kid - but when I say that to my sister, she just argues harder. Then she will go for a few weeks without talking to me, and then slowly she'll begin to talk more and more to me (but she will avoid the topic of the daughter for weeks or months afterward). Then, after a few months have passed, she'll start complaining about the daughter again when we talk. My sister is a very, very convincing arguer. She works in sales, and is an expert at "selling" her argument, twisting and modifying things, etc. It is very, very hard to have a rational discussion with her about this issue. She will not admit wrong-doing, and she will wear the other person down with her relentless arguing, "proof," etc. She is very good with words, and it is exhausting.

At the same time, she does a lot for the child, in terms of other forms of care-giving -- she has even done things that are so loving and thoughtful that it really surprises me. So, she's not all bad; I am NOT, however, trying to excuse her bad behaviors. I am just pointing out that the solutions are not easy and obvious to me, being here in this situation.

This is how you deal with it.

When she starts to argue, you do not respond. You say nothing. And then you turn and walk away.

The first few times she will amp up her behavior and try even harder. Don't fall for it. Just walk away and go home and ignore her communications on the topic.

After a few times, she will realize that once you go silent, the argument has ended. If she is as crafty and good at sales as you say, she is already aware of this tactic and will know that she can't get anywhere with it once you go silent.

[Anonymous]

And that helps the stepdaughter how?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but personally, I'd be willing to give up my relationship with my sister over something like this. From what you describe, she is being a horrible person to her step-daughter, and there's no way for the child to defend herself.

I would contact the girl's mother and tell her if she wanted to gain sole legal custody, I would help her. I'm sure a court would heavily way negative testimony from a family member. Usually it's the other way around.

[Anonymous]

OP, you clearly don't like your sister. You mentioned that you suspect she was seeing the child's dad before the divorce happened. Why is that your business? I do wonder if part of the reason the sister is so hostile is because you don't leave enough room to at a minimum really hear her side. And you give no examples as to what the sister tells you the stepdaughter does in private. The way you present it, the sister sounds like a monster. I do have to wonder though what is going on beneath the surface.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you clearly don't like your sister. You mentioned that you suspect she was seeing the child's dad before the divorce happened. Why is that your business? I do wonder if part of the reason the sister is so hostile is because you don't leave enough room to at a minimum really hear her side. And you give no examples as to what the sister tells you the stepdaughter does in private. The way you present it, the sister sounds like a monster. I do have to wonder though what is going on beneath the surface.

Does it matter what this girl is doing in private? She is a child. The sister is an ADULT. There is no acceptable reason for an adult to behave in this way. None.

[Anonymous]

OP do you have an update for us? How did the call with the counselor go?