Concerns about sister's behavior as a step-mother

[Anonymous]

This has been troubling me for years, and I don't know what to do about it, if anything. I am hoping that people can offer opinions or advice.
My sister married a divorced father of a little girl. The little girl is now 9. The divorce was not amicable. (We all suspect that there may have been something going on between my sister and her now-husband while he was still married to his ex, but we're not sure, and she of course insists that they got together only after he was divorced). Anyway, my sister hates, hates, hates the ex-wife and, by extension, I feel that she hates the poor daughter. The way the daughter is treated is heart-breaking. She does not live with my sister and her dad full-time (thank god). My sister always complains to me about the daughter, but even worse, she will say inappropriate things directly to the daughter. For example: When daughter does something that my sister thinks is stupid or absent-minded, my sister will say "That was stupid; that's something [girl's mother's name] would do." Also, when my sister was pregnant a few years back, she actually said to the daughter, "if we have a girl, we're going to name her 'Better [daughter's name]'." She says such things in a semi-joking way, but the real meaning is there. Just today on the phone, my sister told me that the daughter "brings such misery to our household that I cannot be my best as a mother to MY child when she is around." Now that my sister has her own child with her husband, I feel she wants to push the other child out of the picture completely.

These are just a few examples; it's truly horrible in my opinion, what is being said and done to this little girl. And I must add that every time I have spent time with that girl, I have seen nothing but a delightful, friendly, funny, polite little girl. She is a fabulous and doting older sister to my sister's child. From what I have seen, she is nothing like the monster she is made out to be by my sister.

The little girl is having problems with grades at school, and can't focus well in class. They say she may have some kind of attention disorder (of course, my sister blames this on the girl's mother's horrible genes, but actually the girl's father has the same tendencies -- can't sit still for a minute, easily distracted -- but somehow my sister doesn't see that!). The daughter is also seeing a mental health counselor. I truly believe that the dysfunction in the family, specifically the way that she is being treated by my sister, is contributing to the issues that the child is having in school.

I really believe that my sister is being emotionally abusive to this child, at the very least. In the past I have gently tried to express this to my sister, and she blows up, saying that I have no idea what I'm talking about, I don't really know the child, etc. etc. I don't want to alienate her, but I feel like I am failing this child by idly sitting by while all of this happens -- worse, when my sister says something mean to her in my presence, I feel absolutely horrible and don't know what to say. I want to speak up, but it would enrage my sister. I feel like by not saying anything, I am sending the message to the child that I am okay with the way she is being treated (which isn't the case). The girl's father (my sister's husband) is hard to read...his feelings about it seem to go all over the place...sometimes he thinks my sister is being too hard on the child; other times he agrees with her...but any time he expresses disagreement with my sister, my sister will blow up at him, too, and basically just wear him down with her arguments and evidence why she is right and he is wrong.

I'm sorry that this is long, and thank you for reading it - any advice? I actually have been toying with the idea of making a confidential call to the therapist that the child is seeing (my sister dropped the name once on the phone with me) to share my concerns and let her know what I have observed...because the daughter is so eager to please my sister and her dad, I am pretty sure that she is not speaking up in therapy about this. My sister's husband has, on one occasion, said to me something like "your sister is really tough!" and I did take that opportunity to tell him that he needs to tell her that she can't do and say these things. But, I don't think it really made a difference. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would stay out of it, especially not getting involved w/the therapist. BUT, I would try to be the best aunt I could be to my step-niece. It's nice that you are concerned, but this seems like an MYOB kind of situation.

[Anonymous]

You definitely can't change your sister. I would stay out of it, however when she makes snide remarks in front of you about the step daughter, you can always stand up for her, e.g.,

"We'd pick a better name than Susie."

"You know, I've always loved the name Susie." Direct kind, supportive remarks to the girl and ignore your sister's immature behavior.

[Anonymous]

I'd call the child's mom...it may be better to have the child have supervised visitation with only the father than be subjected to that abuse

[Anonymous]

Your sister sounds like a bitch. I'd be direct with her and deal with the blow-ups.

[Anonymous]

Please intervene and save that child's well being and childhood.

Your sister is a bitch. I would cut communication with her over this. There is no room in my life for someone who harms a child in this way.

[Anonymous]

i can't believe people are telling you to
myob. the situation you describe is heartbreaking and the adults in that poor girl's life are all failing her. OP - are there others in your family who feel the same way? would it be possible to have a group discussion with your sister? i do think you should mention something to the therapist. i hope that little girl finds her way. all the best.

[Anonymous]

This is why divorce stinks. Poor girl.

[Anonymous]

I have been in this situation before it is really hard. A good friend of mine is pretty harsh to her step son. Every time I tried to talk to her about it she would tell me "you don't know him like I do"
I think what made it harder was the fact that he was over on the weekends and often his dad was working or out on the weekends and spent most of his time with his Step mom and hardly saw his dad.
after talking with the boy (I felt so bad for him I used to take him out to lunch when he would come to visit) I called his mother and told her to some extent what was going on. (that the dad was not home as much as I think she thought he was and that my friend seemed stressed and might be taking some of it out on him).
The mom ended up changing the custody agreement so that his visits were not as long and it was more quality time (dinner and a movie or something) instead of whole unsupervised weekends.
unfortunately this friend does not talk to me anymore so with a sister this would be harder. Is there anyway you can talk with the child's mom without your sister finding out?

[Anonymous]

I would send the child's mother an anonymous letter describing what you've seen. Minding your own business in this situation would be morally bankrupt. Can't believe people are advising that.

[Anonymous]

You are a witness to emotional abuse. I get it that she is your sister, but you need to protect the child. The mother needs to know. You may even get the mom to agree to keep your confidence.

I have worked with abused kids for years, I feel sick inside as I'm reading this. Please help this child. Tell her mom.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I have come very close on more than one occasion to calling the child's mother. However, I am pretty certain that, at some point, she would let it out (to my sister) that I had called her. My sister would never forgive me for this. Also, based on what I have gleaned from my sister, the child's mother has a good idea of the kind of things that go on. She knows that my sister hates her, and she knows that my sister is hard on the child. So calling her wouldn't really be telling her anything new, and I am not sure how it would change anything, anyway. I get the impression that the child's mother is immensely frustrated by the situation.
I have also actually considered calling CPS, but I know I could never do that because my sister would go crazy trying to figure out who had called, and would assume that it was the mother, and that would fuel her hatred, and then she'd probably take it out on the child.

Also, I do not live close to them, so I can't see the child often. It's all so terribly sad.

[Anonymous]

yes! call the therapist! call her pediatrician or school counselor, too, if you have those numbers. get involved and stay involved.

hugs to that little girl. poor thing.

[Anonymous]

Well I guess you have to decide if you feel stronger about having a relationship with your sister or doing something about the situation with her stepdaughter. You probably can't have it both ways. I think your only option is to call the mom and talk to her. If you do that, your sister probably will find out and she'll never forgive you (as you say).

So - are you prepared to give up having your sister in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i can't believe people are telling you to
myob. the situation you describe is heartbreaking and the adults in that poor girl's life are all failing her. OP - are there others in your family who feel the same way? would it be possible to have a group discussion with your sister? i do think you should mention something to the therapist. i hope that little girl finds her way. all the best.

OP here again. My siblings would probably agree with me, and would probably be willing to have a discussion with my sister. But I don't imagine that it could go well. Also, the other siblings live even farther away, and see the family even less than I do (which isn't often to begin with); and I am the only one who talks to this sister on the phone regularly (because we are closest in age). So, the other siblings aren't seeing/hearing as much as I am.