Reply to I filed for divorce today and feel awful

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Reply to "I filed for divorce today and feel awful"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If the wife is so great, why don't the PPs like 8:11 and 22:09 marry her? [/quote]

22:09 here, and I clearly said I don't know OP or his wife.  I only have his characterization of the marriage, and the hard fact that he ended the marriage.

But his own words are very telling, because, as 8:11 said, they are all about HIM.  Not only that, but he offers some marital advice, to listen to your spouse's wants and needs.  That is still characterizing marriage as an arrangement of narcissism:  two people taking what they need from one another.  WRONG.  Marriage is about GIVING, not TAKING.  That is the whole essence of being a parent, too.

So under the circumstances, I don't need to know about his wife to stand by my words.  There are innocent children involved.[/quote]

This. I remember an anecdote where someone went up to Steven Covney and basically said what OP has said. He asked what to do and got the advice "Love your wife. But what do I do? That's it." I was married to a narcissist who bailed and I really think OP that you need to get in touch with some bigger concepts and themes. Think about character, talk to a minister. That you don't want to be romantically involved again suggests to me that there is a lot of hurt inside that you may think is coming from your wife but really is about you and possibly your family of origen. Call your wife. Tell her you keep thinking about the first time you kissed. Find a therapist who can help you get deeper than career and hobbies to where YOU can express your emotional needs honestly and take the risk that they will be met or not. EFT sounds promising, I found the book "Scream Free Marriage" very helpful (neither of you has to be screamers, it's a shorthand for how our own anxieties and issues get acted out in a relationship. Your feelings about your wife and kids are telling you something. Did you and your wife have any interests that you shared? Did you take trips alone together or take classes? If not, sounds like a lot of time and energy could be redirected. Tennis won't share your life and dreams and give your kids the best start in life. Why not ask your wife out to dinner and share the thoughts you are having about how you started and where you hope to go with her? Then ask her the same.[/quote]

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