Single mom, 34 and twice divorced...will my stats scare potential mates?

[Anonymous]

Each subsequent marriage has a higher divorce rate so while people tell stories of the minority who made it work, many more didn't.

I don't think finding your next spouse should be your priority.

[Anonymous]

The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

I think you misunderstood the question. OP isn't asking how likely divorce would be if she remarried, she asked what are the chances of her getting married for the third time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

I think you misunderstood the question. OP isn't asking how likely divorce would be if she remarried, she asked what are the chances of her getting married for the third time.

OP said "They say 3rd times the charm". 8)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married young the first time, at 23 and my husband was ex military and very damaged - tough childhood, years of untreated bi polar, emotional abuser. We divorced and remain friends - he has been in extensive therapy since we split and continues to get the help he needs.

Second marriage was at 29. Childhood sweetheart, a lot of support of the relationship from friends and family. But he never broke up with his ex (I didn't know until months after marriage and pregnant with my son). We seperated and soon divorce will be over. I've been in therapy for a while myself to establish why I pick these kind of men etc. I've made progress, I've grown!

They say 3rd times the charm, but I am worried what the dating pool will be like for me. When people hear twice divorced and with a kid, will they hold that against me? I am otherwise a professional, liberal level headed woman who dots over my child and wants a long term companion. Not sure if I am open to marriage again, but you never know.

Thoughts?

I think that honestly you need a very long break from dating. I know you said you are in counseling and do stay in it. Some posters see red flags in your two divorces and I do too, but for a different reason.

Your first husband, for example, sounds like he is doing better and getting his life on track. Why couldn't you have stayed married to him while he got better? Your second husband was cheating on you and rather than going to counseling and trying to make it work, you left. Again it seems like you are in marriage for the good and happy times and bolt when there is work to be done. No marriage is perfect. No marriage will ever be perfect, but if you really want to be married and be stable you have to work hard everyday. If you would rather date long-term than be married for the long haul then do that and don't expose your child to your personal life and your instability as a partner.

That all being said I will leave you with a cautionary note. A woman I know has been married 6-7 times over her life. Like you, she married her first husband young and her second at 29 and had kids. Left him. She then put her two children through men coming and going in her life. She moved to be with the new man she married to every 4-6 years. She is now 60-something married to some other man and her children won't speak to her. Her kids are very emotionally damaged mostly because she was so obsessed with her husbands and being married that while she may have loved them, they never have and never will see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married young the first time, at 23 and my husband was ex military and very damaged - tough childhood, years of untreated bi polar, emotional abuser. We divorced and remain friends - he has been in extensive therapy since we split and continues to get the help he needs.

Second marriage was at 29. Childhood sweetheart, a lot of support of the relationship from friends and family. But he never broke up with his ex (I didn't know until months after marriage and pregnant with my son). We seperated and soon divorce will be over. I've been in therapy for a while myself to establish why I pick these kind of men etc. I've made progress, I've grown!

They say 3rd times the charm, but I am worried what the dating pool will be like for me. When people hear twice divorced and with a kid, will they hold that against me? I am otherwise a professional, liberal level headed woman who dots over my child and wants a long term companion. Not sure if I am open to marriage again, but you never know.

Thoughts?

I think that honestly you need a very long break from dating. I know you said you are in counseling and do stay in it. Some posters see red flags in your two divorces and I do too, but for a different reason.

Your first husband, for example, sounds like he is doing better and getting his life on track. Why couldn't you have stayed married to him while he got better? Your second husband was cheating on you and rather than going to counseling and trying to make it work, you left. Again it seems like you are in marriage for the good and happy times and bolt when there is work to be done. No marriage is perfect. No marriage will ever be perfect, but if you really want to be married and be stable you have to work hard everyday. If you would rather date long-term than be married for the long haul then do that and don't expose your child to your personal life and your instability as a partner.

That all being said I will leave you with a cautionary note. A woman I know has been married 6-7 times over her life. Like you, she married her first husband young and her second at 29 and had kids. Left him. She then put her two children through men coming and going in her life. She moved to be with the new man she married to every 4-6 years. She is now 60-something married to some other man and her children won't speak to her. Her kids are very emotionally damaged mostly because she was so obsessed with her husbands and being married that while she may have loved them, they never have and never will see it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married young the first time, at 23 and my husband was ex military and very damaged - tough childhood, years of untreated bi polar, emotional abuser. We divorced and remain friends - he has been in extensive therapy since we split and continues to get the help he needs.

Second marriage was at 29. Childhood sweetheart, a lot of support of the relationship from friends and family. But he never broke up with his ex (I didn't know until months after marriage and pregnant with my son). We seperated and soon divorce will be over. I've been in therapy for a while myself to establish why I pick these kind of men etc. I've made progress, I've grown!

They say 3rd times the charm, but I am worried what the dating pool will be like for me. When people hear twice divorced and with a kid, will they hold that against me? I am otherwise a professional, liberal level headed woman who dots over my child and wants a long term companion. Not sure if I am open to marriage again, but you never know.

Thoughts?

I think that honestly you need a very long break from dating. I know you said you are in counseling and do stay in it. Some posters see red flags in your two divorces and I do too, but for a different reason.

Your first husband, for example, sounds like he is doing better and getting his life on track. Why couldn't you have stayed married to him while he got better? Your second husband was cheating on you and rather than going to counseling and trying to make it work, you left. Again it seems like you are in marriage for the good and happy times and bolt when there is work to be done. No marriage is perfect. No marriage will ever be perfect, but if you really want to be married and be stable you have to work hard everyday. If you would rather date long-term than be married for the long haul then do that and don't expose your child to your personal life and your instability as a partner.

That all being said I will leave you with a cautionary note. A woman I know has been married 6-7 times over her life. Like you, she married her first husband young and her second at 29 and had kids. Left him. She then put her two children through men coming and going in her life. She moved to be with the new man she married to every 4-6 years. She is now 60-something married to some other man and her children won't speak to her. Her kids are very emotionally damaged mostly because she was so obsessed with her husbands and being married that while she may have loved them, they never have and never will see it.

So because she left her cheating husband, she is in the wrong because she didn't stay in for the long haul????? Why would she? He already showed her how much he respected their relationship by not even breaking it off with his ex and marrying OP. She doesn't need someone like that to hold on to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married young the first time, at 23 and my husband was ex military and very damaged - tough childhood, years of untreated bi polar, emotional abuser. We divorced and remain friends - he has been in extensive therapy since we split and continues to get the help he needs.

Second marriage was at 29. Childhood sweetheart, a lot of support of the relationship from friends and family. But he never broke up with his ex (I didn't know until months after marriage and pregnant with my son). We seperated and soon divorce will be over. I've been in therapy for a while myself to establish why I pick these kind of men etc. I've made progress, I've grown!

They say 3rd times the charm, but I am worried what the dating pool will be like for me. When people hear twice divorced and with a kid, will they hold that against me? I am otherwise a professional, liberal level headed woman who dots over my child and wants a long term companion. Not sure if I am open to marriage again, but you never know.

Thoughts?

I think that honestly you need a very long break from dating. I know you said you are in counseling and do stay in it. Some posters see red flags in your two divorces and I do too, but for a different reason.

Your first husband, for example, sounds like he is doing better and getting his life on track. Why couldn't you have stayed married to him while he got better? Your second husband was cheating on you and rather than going to counseling and trying to make it work, you left. Again it seems like you are in marriage for the good and happy times and bolt when there is work to be done. No marriage is perfect. No marriage will ever be perfect, but if you really want to be married and be stable you have to work hard everyday. If you would rather date long-term than be married for the long haul then do that and don't expose your child to your personal life and your instability as a partner.

That all being said I will leave you with a cautionary note. A woman I know has been married 6-7 times over her life. Like you, she married her first husband young and her second at 29 and had kids. Left him. She then put her two children through men coming and going in her life. She moved to be with the new man she married to every 4-6 years. She is now 60-something married to some other man and her children won't speak to her. Her kids are very emotionally damaged mostly because she was so obsessed with her husbands and being married that while she may have loved them, they never have and never will see it.

So because she left her cheating husband, she is in the wrong because she didn't stay in for the long haul????? Why would she? He already showed her how much he respected their relationship by not even breaking it off with his ex and marrying OP. She doesn't need someone like that to hold on to.

And what did her first husband do? Its a pattern of behavior on her part to leave, not an isolated incidence. Her husband could have cheated, taken the wrong kind of job, gotten into bad financial straights and it sounds like she would have left too. Life has ups and downs. Part of marriage is learning to work things out. If you leave every time something bad happens, then yes, you will never learn from your mistakes. Cheating by a spouse is hardly ever cut and dry. Unless of course he was a bad apple, as she says, before she met him.

[Anonymous]

Look, if you're hot and you have a good personality and you meet men easily, you will not have any problems. Hell, you might not have problems anyway. I have a twice-divorced friend and a thrice-divorced friend who always have a guy. I'm single and never date. it's a crapshoot.

Yes, some guys will be scared off. Especially someone who has never married - the two divorces will make them nervous. A guy who has been divorced would probably be more likely to sympathize.

Your situation is what it is, and it's not going to change - yes, you have a kid and you're divorced. Own it, roll with it, and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

We all have baggage. OP, you will be fine. just try to take care of yourself first. You don't need to get right into the dating scene...well if just for the physical relationship, then go for it. Otherwise, if therapy is helping, keep going and do some stuff for yourself. Eventually, you will find someone again who will like you for you, baggage and all.

[Anonymous]

OP here: To the 9:58 poster, thank you for your insight.

For my first marriage, I was young and unaware/uninformed about mental illness. I thought he loved me when he was nice and charming, yet I was very confused when he turned manic, mean and depressed. He also didn't want to have any more children (and I did) - he had two from a previous relationship. What I didn't mention in my earlier post (which I now see I should have) was the length of our marriage (5.5 years) and the extensive thereapy (individual -I with a social worker and he with a psychiatrist to treat his bi polar) and couples therapy (marriage counselling) with our church leader. When it was all said and done, we decided we were better off apart...and the therapy we had is the main reason we remain friends. The divorce was not bitter -we amicably parted ways.

For my second marriage, I was in it for the long haul. I was older, had been divorced before and wanted this one to work. From the begging, we dicussed what we both wanted out of it, we had the same expectations, or so I thought...I went into it whole hartedly and was ready to have a better experience and marriage. It just didn't work out that way. He was maintaining a marriage with me, and a relationship with his ex. I found out he told her I was his roomate, and that he had moved to the same city as me to continue his eduaction. He was lying to both of us...and when I found out, I was already pregnant. I didn't immediatley think about leaving, however, when he told me he was not willing to end it with his ex, and thought "I should either deal with things as is and accept it, or move on," I decided I was better off without him. He moved out of our home and straight into her house.

Maybe for some, my reasons for leaving both marriages are not valid. But I think I made the decisions I thought would be best for me. Granted, there is a flaw in my mate selection process, however, my initial question was more about how my stats look, rather than my desire to wanting to get married right away and how my chances looked for that. I don't need a mate for financial support in raising my son, however I also don't believe because my first two marriages ended, I am doomed to having healthy, long lasing and fulfilling companionships when the time is right.

[Anonymous]

OP, life can be rough and I'm sorry you've had a bad time of it in your marriages. I suspect you'll meet and date men, perhaps get married again. The trick, as you already know, will be honing your selection skills so that you pick someone who is a better fit, and that you work on yourself first to make you a better fit for someone.

I do, however, think you'll face some extra hurdles that others who haven't been divorced twice and have no children will not. I'd like to answer your original question with a question: Let's say you meet a man who is twice divorced and has a kid. Would you look upon him differently than, say, someone who is childless and was engaged once years ago but had the engagement broken off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

I think you misunderstood the question. OP isn't asking how likely divorce would be if she remarried, she asked what are the chances of her getting married for the third time.

I didn't misunderstand the question. As a potential mate I would be scared off by knowing that there was only about a 25% chance of a marriage with OP working out.

[Anonymous]

I think that once your story comes out, it will be less likely to scare men away. The problem is the twice-divorced part might come out before the whole explanation as you don't want to get into the sordid details of past relationships right upon meeting someone.

If your marriages ended because you 'grew apart' or 'made a bad choice' or 'just didn't want to be married anymore' or 'irreconcilable differences' then those are huge red flags. You don't have those. Your first husband had a mental illness that you both worked hard to address - you didn't just bail. The second marriage ended because of his infidelity - again not necessarily anything to do with you.

[Anonymous]

I've made progress, I've grown!

They say 3rd times the charm,

OP - no you haven't , not one single inch.