Single mom, 34 and twice divorced...will my stats scare potential mates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am NP here urging you to ignore all the haters on this thread. My advice is to surround yourself with positive people who bring out the best in you, read the book "Finding the Love to Keep" by Hendrix which talks abotu repetitive dating patterns..... Adn to invest time in your child, your career, other things, and maybe a man will come your way. In the interim, use men for sex and have some fun and don't think about commitments! have some fun. I know it is easier said than done.

Dear NP
I love you
Signed PP (not OP) twice divorced, I babe in arms.
In that friendly kinda way , of course.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and saying "twice divorced" sounds like you're trying to make your failed relationships seem hip or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and saying "twice divorced" sounds like you're trying to make your failed relationships seem hip or something.

You are a troll. Anybody with 1/2 a brain learns from all there relationships so technically the aren't failures.

[Anonymous]

You have about 3 years to be single and have fun before your window of beauty starts to fade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and saying "twice divorced" sounds like you're trying to make your failed relationships seem hip or something.

You are a troll. Anybody with 1/2 a brain learns from all there relationships so technically the aren't failures.

Their and they

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and saying "twice divorced" sounds like you're trying to make your failed relationships seem hip or something.

You are a troll. Anybody with 1/2 a brain learns from all there relationships so technically the aren't failures.

Their and they

Hi, are you new to the Internet?

#typoshappen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and saying "twice divorced" sounds like you're trying to make your failed relationships seem hip or something.

You are a troll. Anybody with 1/2 a brain learns from all there relationships so technically the aren't failures.

It's their relationships. Do you have 1/2 a brain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23 for first marriage that lasted 5.5 years,
29 at second marriage?

Tell us, OP, how long did you date #2 before getting married?

Either I smell a troll or read a woman who, after years of puported therapy, has zero sense of her own fallibilities and clearly is more motivated by male validation than by the emotional health of her kids.

OP said husband #2 was a childhood friend so they have known each other for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have about 3 years to be single and have fun before your window of beauty starts to fade

Spoken like a true misogynist. Hopefully, you're a guy... and not a chick-hating hater-chick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: To the 9:58 poster, thank you for your insight.

For my first marriage, I was young and unaware/uninformed about mental illness. I thought he loved me when he was nice and charming, yet I was very confused when he turned manic, mean and depressed. He also didn't want to have any more children (and I did) - he had two from a previous relationship. What I didn't mention in my earlier post (which I now see I should have) was the length of our marriage (5.5 years) and the extensive thereapy (individual -I with a social worker and he with a psychiatrist to treat his bi polar) and couples therapy (marriage counselling) with our church leader. When it was all said and done, we decided we were better off apart...and the therapy we had is the main reason we remain friends. The divorce was not bitter -we amicably parted ways.

For my second marriage, I was in it for the long haul. I was older, had been divorced before and wanted this one to work. From the begging, we dicussed what we both wanted out of it, we had the same expectations, or so I thought...I went into it whole hartedly and was ready to have a better experience and marriage. It just didn't work out that way. He was maintaining a marriage with me, and a relationship with his ex. I found out he told her I was his roomate, and that he had moved to the same city as me to continue his eduaction. He was lying to both of us...and when I found out, I was already pregnant. I didn't immediatley think about leaving, however, when he told me he was not willing to end it with his ex, and thought "I should either deal with things as is and accept it, or move on," I decided I was better off without him. He moved out of our home and straight into her house.

Maybe for some, my reasons for leaving both marriages are not valid. But I think I made the decisions I thought would be best for me. Granted, there is a flaw in my mate selection process, however, my initial question was more about how my stats look, rather than my desire to wanting to get married right away and how my chances looked for that. I don't need a mate for financial support in raising my son, however I also don't believe because my first two marriages ended, I am doomed to having healthy, long lasing and fulfilling companionships when the time is right.

Hi OP. I just wanted to support you given other comments people have made about why you didn't stay with #1. I too am the ex of a bipolar partner. Marriage requires 2 healthy people. If the bipolar spouse is untreated, improperly treated or not fully committed to meds and therapy on a daily/weekly basis for the rest of life, then marriage is simply not going to work and there is nothing the non-bipolar spouse can do to change that.

On marriage #2, I also support your leaving.

I think what you have to ask yourself is not if the reasons you left were OK, but how you got into these situations to begin with. You absolutely should be dating, not in order to find someone right now, but in order to understand more about how to get to know people accurately and how to judge who is a safe person to be with and to practice how to walk away from the wrong people quickly and clearly. You can not go into dating now with the idea of finding a mate or a companion. It's too early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23 for first marriage that lasted 5.5 years,
29 at second marriage?

Tell us, OP, how long did you date #2 before getting married?

Either I smell a troll or read a woman who, after years of puported therapy, has zero sense of her own fallibilities and clearly is more motivated by male validation than by the emotional health of her kids.

OP said husband #2 was a childhood friend so they have known each other for a long time.

Still. I have several friends I've known since elementary school, and I would certainly not jump into marriage--ANY marriage, for that matter--a mere six months after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23 for first marriage that lasted 5.5 years,
29 at second marriage?

Tell us, OP, how long did you date #2 before getting married?

Either I smell a troll or read a woman who, after years of puported therapy, has zero sense of her own fallibilities and clearly is more motivated by male validation than by the emotional health of her kids.

OP said husband #2 was a childhood friend so they have known each other for a long time.

Still. I have several friends I've known since elementary school, and I would certainly not jump into marriage--ANY marriage, for that matter--a mere six months after a divorce.

Bully for you cob web crotch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married young the first time, at 23 and my husband was ex military and very damaged - tough childhood, years of untreated bi polar, emotional abuser. We divorced and remain friends - he has been in extensive therapy since we split and continues to get the help he needs.

Second marriage was at 29. Childhood sweetheart, a lot of support of the relationship from friends and family. But he never broke up with his ex (I didn't know until months after marriage and pregnant with my son). We seperated and soon divorce will be over. I've been in therapy for a while myself to establish why I pick these kind of men etc. I've made progress, I've grown!

They say 3rd times the charm, but I am worried what the dating pool will be like for me. When people hear twice divorced and with a kid, will they hold that against me? I am otherwise a professional, liberal level headed woman who dots over my child and wants a long term companion. Not sure if I am open to marriage again, but you never know.

Thoughts?

I think that honestly you need a very long break from dating. I know you said you are in counseling and do stay in it. Some posters see red flags in your two divorces and I do too, but for a different reason.

Your first husband, for example, sounds like he is doing better and getting his life on track. Why couldn't you have stayed married to him while he got better? Your second husband was cheating on you and rather than going to counseling and trying to make it work, you left. Again it seems like you are in marriage for the good and happy times and bolt when there is work to be done. No marriage is perfect. No marriage will ever be perfect, but if you really want to be married and be stable you have to work hard everyday. If you would rather date long-term than be married for the long haul then do that and don't expose your child to your personal life and your instability as a partner.

That all being said I will leave you with a cautionary note. A woman I know has been married 6-7 times over her life. Like you, she married her first husband young and her second at 29 and had kids. Left him. She then put her two children through men coming and going in her life. She moved to be with the new man she married to every 4-6 years. She is now 60-something married to some other man and her children won't speak to her. Her kids are very emotionally damaged mostly because she was so obsessed with her husbands and being married that while she may have loved them, they never have and never will see it.

So because she left her cheating husband, she is in the wrong because she didn't stay in for the long haul????? Why would she? He already showed her how much he respected their relationship by not even breaking it off with his ex and marrying OP. She doesn't need someone like that to hold on to.

That goes to show how selfish you are.

Why even bother about saying your marriage vows "for better of for worse, in sickness and in health"?

If you have low tolerance for mistakes in a relationship, stay single forever!

[Anonymous]

Nobody counts marriages in their 20s. Let alone before 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you, I would focus on yourself and your child right now. If the right guy is out there, he'll make himself known eventually. You've gone through a lot of heartbreak and unhappiness and deserve to make these next 10 years or so your own. Plus, I wouldn't trust any man with my child until the child is old enough to decide if he wants to be around the guy or not. Work on yourself. Raise your child. Live your life.

I agree. OP, you are barely out of marriage #2 and you are thinking about marriage #3?

Forget about men. Focus on your child and yourself.

+1

You're only 34. Your child is a toddler. Give yourself 5 years minimum. Invest that time on yourself and your child.