Changing the name of an internationally adoped child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are so judgmental...

Changing a child's name is common practice in international adoption... whether it's an infant or a 7-year-old, it doesn't make a difference.

Americanization... happens. The child is no longer in his birth country, he can no longer speak his native tongue, he lives in a world of different smells, food, clothes, customs, sometimes even religion... so the name change, in that context, is but one small thing on the top of everything else. How parents approach it is key to how the child takes it.

From a parent's perspective, changing the child's name is an additional way to bond with him or her. It's not about love being conditional; it's about the human process of bonding with a child who did not come out of one's womb and who lived in another part of the world for 7 years.

And the name change is always a very exciting part of adoption, as it marks one's "claiming" by a family. For the child it's like a rite of passage...

"Let her decide whether she wants to change her name" seems to be a recurrent idea. HELLO?! She's 7 YEARS-OLD. Of course she will have an opinion, but chances are high that she will either 1- accept to please her parents; 2- refuse because she is overwhelmed by changes or 3- have an unreasonable idea.

So by all means, if you want to change your child's name, do it.

I am speaking from personal experience. I am adoption an older girl from Ethiopia and intend on taking the same approach.

Again, there is a world of difference between changing an adopted infant's name and a 7 year old's. Furthermore, this idea of "claiming" speaks to the insecurity of adoptive parents, rather than the needs of the child. You "claim" a child by caring for that child and loving that child, not by erasing the only thing s/he brings with her/him to a new country and life.

I participate in a number of country-specific adoption forums connected to our son's birth country, as well as one that primarily features discussions by adult adoptees, and the lack of awareness of these issues by many people on DCUM really shocks me (those of us who participate in other adoption forums are also aware that we are a minority and that most adoptive families out there "claim" their child and then want little to do with thinking about adoption issues). We are not by any means "all adoption, all the time" in our family but I personally have learned a lot by listening and continuing to try to learn.

I'd invite those who are parents by international adoption to consider joining a yahoogroup called "International Adopt Talk" that provides the perspective of adult international adoptees -- it might shock some out of their sense of entitlement and cluelessness. It's a moderated group -- a-parents can only post by permission of the listserv owners.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/International-Adopt-Talk/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the dad provided some easy answers for you so you stopped being so nosy.

Easy - yes. Well-thought out -- definitely not. I can tell you that we have gotten questions from our son, adopted as an infant, about why we changed his name. He even once asked, "didn't you like it?" We kept it as a middle name.

This family should not have been approved to adopt internationally, IMO. They don't show any signs of having thought about the issues associated with adopting internationally, especially adopting an older, institutionalized child. I wish them luck - I think they're going to be in for a lot of problems.

He just became a new dad to a child who is older and transitioning to a whole new world essentially ... he doesn't owe anyone a "well thought out" reply.

As far as the name, for all we know or the OP knows, "Oksana" may very well be a default orphanage name that is given to girls and her parents wanted to give her a name - perhaps even one the girl selected herself.

Again, as an adoptive parent who follows these issues in part through contact with adult international adoptees, I have heard that it doesn't matter who gave her the name. The issue is that this is the name she carried for her whole life (or at least most of it). There are real losses and messages associated with changing it. Right now, she may be eager to please her new family, but adoption, while not traumatic by any means, is something that is part of an adoptee's life forever. There is not one way adoptees react to these issues and the issues are there.

I too am an adoptive parent and you are missing the point. Children very well may want to shed a generic orphanage name that was nothing more than a means of identification and perhaps for them identification of a not quite so great past. Not every name is well thought and planned. you can't appreciate this because you received your name from parents who loved and cared about you. When you receive your name from an institution it doesn't quite hold the same meaning.

Adoption is always a loss but it's in degrees and variations for every child so you can't make a blanket statment that says every adopted child will mourn the loss of their first name no more than you can make a blanket statement that all adoptive children will search for their birthparents. In adoption, there are no absolutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Again, as an adoptive parent who follows these issues in part through contact with adult international adoptees, I have heard that it doesn't matter who gave her the name. The issue is that this is the name she carried for her whole life (or at least most of it). There are real losses and messages associated with changing it. Right now, she may be eager to please her new family, but adoption, while not traumatic by any means, is something that is part of an adoptee's life forever. There is not one way adoptees react to these issues and the issues are there.

I too am an adoptive parent and you are missing the point. Children very well may want to shed a generic orphanage name that was nothing more than a means of identification and perhaps for them identification of a not quite so great past. Not every name is well thought and planned. you can't appreciate this because you received your name from parents who loved and cared about you. When you receive your name from an institution it doesn't quite hold the same meaning.

Adoption is always a loss but it's in degrees and variations for every child so you can't make a blanket statment that says every adopted child will mourn the loss of their first name no more than you can make a blanket statement that all adoptive children will search for their birthparents. In adoption, there are no absolutes.

I agree with this (the adoptive parent and adult adoptee here). My name was given to me by the adoption agency- it doesn't really mean anything to me. I do know my last name really was my birth father's last name, but in Korea, this is a VERY common name (there are only a handful of Korean last names) so it's not like it uniquely identifies me as part of their family. I never felt a loss being adopted, but I know others have. My twin sister has never, ever wanted to find our birth parents. She's just not interested. She has no problem with being adopted but it doesn't impact her the way it does for others.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that to "Americanize" the girl they named her after England?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who finds it ironic that to "Americanize" the girl they named her after England?

If she chose the name herself, it was probably because of Britney Spears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are so judgmental...

Changing a child's name is common practice in international adoption... whether it's an infant or a 7-year-old, it doesn't make a difference.

Americanization... happens. The child is no longer in his birth country, he can no longer speak his native tongue, he lives in a world of different smells, food, clothes, customs, sometimes even religion... so the name change, in that context, is but one small thing on the top of everything else. How parents approach it is key to how the child takes it.

From a parent's perspective, changing the child's name is an additional way to bond with him or her. It's not about love being conditional; it's about the human process of bonding with a child who did not come out of one's womb and who lived in another part of the world for 7 years.

And the name change is always a very exciting part of adoption, as it marks one's "claiming" by a family. For the child it's like a rite of passage...

"Let her decide whether she wants to change her name" seems to be a recurrent idea. HELLO?! She's 7 YEARS-OLD. Of course she will have an opinion, but chances are high that she will either 1- accept to please her parents; 2- refuse because she is overwhelmed by changes or 3- have an unreasonable idea.

So by all means, if you want to change your child's name, do it.

I am speaking from personal experience. I am adoption an older girl from Ethiopia and intend on taking the same approach.

The adopted child gets your last name. Isn't that enough "claiming" for you? If you are adopting from Ethiopia, the child will get the AP's first name as a middle name. Again, isn't that enough claiming with out taking away the one thing the child can hold onto? She has lost everything else, but you can't let her keep her name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are so judgmental...

Changing a child's name is common practice in international adoption... whether it's an infant or a 7-year-old, it doesn't make a difference.

Americanization... happens. The child is no longer in his birth country, he can no longer speak his native tongue, he lives in a world of different smells, food, clothes, customs, sometimes even religion... so the name change, in that context, is but one small thing on the top of everything else. How parents approach it is key to how the child takes it.

From a parent's perspective, changing the child's name is an additional way to bond with him or her. It's not about love being conditional; it's about the human process of bonding with a child who did not come out of one's womb and who lived in another part of the world for 7 years.

And the name change is always a very exciting part of adoption, as it marks one's "claiming" by a family. For the child it's like a rite of passage...

"Let her decide whether she wants to change her name" seems to be a recurrent idea. HELLO?! She's 7 YEARS-OLD. Of course she will have an opinion, but chances are high that she will either 1- accept to please her parents; 2- refuse because she is overwhelmed by changes or 3- have an unreasonable idea.

So by all means, if you want to change your child's name, do it.

I am speaking from personal experience. I am adoption an older girl from Ethiopia and intend on taking the same approach.

If you are in the process of adopting an older child from Ethiopia, and good luck getting through MOWA, there is no need for your child to lose his/her language in its entirety. The Washington DC area has the largest Ethiopian diaspora outside of Minnesota, and the language is spoken throughout this area.

Yes, your older child might have something to say with you wanting to get rid of his/her prior existence with the stroke of a pen. Why not allow the name the birth family gave the child become the middle name. How would you feel if after answering to the name Sue Ellen for eight years, you are now told or asked to respond Betty Jean. On top of Betty Jean you are to learn everything anew as if you are a newborn. As an eight year old there may be some conflicting emotions with that change.

By the way, the changing of an older child's name is not a rite of passage in adoption. Perhaps you should go on the big Yahoo board and ask how many people who have actually adopted older children changed the name. And, of those who changed their older child's name, how many had a smooth transition with the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Naming any child Brittany is just bad.

Brittany is a fine name. Much, much, much better than Oksanna.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this (the adoptive parent and adult adoptee here). My name was given to me by the adoption agency- it doesn't really mean anything to me. I do know my last name really was my birth father's last name, but in Korea, this is a VERY common name (there are only a handful of Korean last names) so it's not like it uniquely identifies me as part of their family. I never felt a loss being adopted.

this child is not from Korea, and she most likely did not receive her name from the agency or the orphanage. You do not know her story. Every baby does not come to them from the maternity ward
Either way, this post must be a troll. Adoptive parents are educated and receive counseling so they know what they get themselves in for. Foreign adoption of an older child is more complex

And Oksana means 'Praise be to God', blessed, welcoming

[Anonymous]

"But you have no idea how frightfully interesting it is to take a human being and change her into a quite different human being."

These parents must have a Pygmalion complex.

[Anonymous]

A neighbor I use to have adopted three from Russia a sibling set. All three names were changed but the boys fought it and would talk to each other in Russian.

The mother who should never have been able to adopt because she is abusive refers to them 5+ years later as her adopted russian children.

The agency and some stupid book they read about adopting kids from russia said they should change their names, only allow them to speak English and so forth.

Its the saddest thing I have seen. They weren't adopted to be loved on. She adopted older children so they could take care of her.

In any case I have a good friend who works in a social work field who visits Russian orphanges says these kids are told that to be adopted you have to want to be American if they want to be adopted by Americans. They are told what a good live they will have in America. Many children who were abused, neglected and basically unwanted strive to be in America.

Not all families are like the one I mentioned. Yes these three still have a russian accent. The oldest speaks Russian even though he is punished when he does.

I imagine the OPs neighbor has just had the child in the home and is learning just what work it is. Some of kids come over here and test new parents to see if they will be sent back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Naming any child Brittany is just bad.

Brittany is a fine name. Much, much, much better than Oksanna.

And this person will hopefully never adopt internationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this (the adoptive parent and adult adoptee here). My name was given to me by the adoption agency- it doesn't really mean anything to me. I do know my last name really was my birth father's last name, but in Korea, this is a VERY common name (there are only a handful of Korean last names) so it's not like it uniquely identifies me as part of their family. I never felt a loss being adopted.

this child is not from Korea, and she most likely did not receive her name from the agency or the orphanage. You do not know her story. Every baby does not come to them from the maternity ward
Either way, this post must be a troll. Adoptive parents are educated and receive counseling so they know what they get themselves in for. Foreign adoption of an older child is more complex

And Oksana means 'Praise be to God', blessed, welcoming

I know this child isn't Korean. I was merely stating that it's incorrect to assume that ALL adoptees have name loss or adoption issues.

And if you read earlier, you'd note that I said for a child of her age, I would have kept her Russian name.

[Anonymous]

Guys, chill out. Maybe having to change names was a minor trauma for this child, but it's NOTHING compare to what she would have endured had she remained an orphan in Russia. In the long run, it's all for the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys, chill out. Maybe having to change names was a minor trauma for this child, but it's NOTHING compare to what she would have endured had she remained an orphan in Russia. In the long run, it's all for the better.

Maybe yes. Maybe no. Especially in the case of older children, adoptive parents are not adequately prepared to deal with the many issues a lot of these kids have (not the kids' fault at all, obviously) and the kids experience a lot of trauma. Again, the perspectives of adult adoptees on these questions is often eye-opening.