Changing the name of an internationally adoped child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys, chill out. Maybe having to change names was a minor trauma for this child, but it's NOTHING compare to what she would have endured had she remained an orphan in Russia. In the long run, it's all for the better.

Really, did you read post 0:39. Every adoption is not a better situation for a child. Instead of finding the right homes for children, many agencies find children for families. It is suppose to be the other way around. Remember the adopted kids in Waldorf Maryland last year. Or, the Russian kid placed on a plane with a letter to take him back to the Russian orphanage. There are a lot of disruptions that the adoption community rarely talks about. I guess it is taboo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys, chill out. Maybe having to change names was a minor trauma for this child, but it's NOTHING compare to what she would have endured had she remained an orphan in Russia. In the long run, it's all for the better.

Maybe yes. Maybe no. Especially in the case of older children, adoptive parents are not adequately prepared to deal with the many issues a lot of these kids have (not the kids' fault at all, obviously) and the kids experience a lot of trauma. Again, the perspectives of adult adoptees on these questions is often eye-opening.

You're kidding right? That a name change is far worse than growing up in an orphanage where he likelihood of becoming a successful adult is in the small percentage numbers.

Kudos for this family for taking on the risk of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage. The risk of RAD, sensory issues, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, ADHD, etc. Yet, so many are criticizing for changing the name, saying that she will become Americanized and saying that within a few months people won't even know she is Russian.

I have adopted multiple times internationally, including older kids. There is absolutely no consensus one way or another on the issue of changing names. Even talking to adult adoptees will give you only anecdotal information about how that particular person feels, not how it affects adoptees as a whole. As far as Americanizing her, well, seems to me the last time I adopted, one of the seminars I was required to take as a requirement of the Hague Convention rules was on reaculturalization. That's the same as Americanizing given that the reaculturalization is in America. It happens. It's a fact of life because their life will be in America. Americanization does not mean that the original culture is lost or rejected. Finally, as far as not knowing she is Russian, that is a fact of life and personally I don't see it as a bad thing. Once she is not readily identifiable as an adopted child, then she and her family can have control over whom, if anyone, they share the information about her adoption with. As a parent who, when out with my child who is of a different race, has been asked more than once "how much did your child cost", I can appreciate the desire for annomonity.

So, again, kudos to this wonderful family to adopting a child that most people would never even consider parenting due to the risks and difficulties of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're kidding right? That a name change is far worse than growing up in an orphanage where he likelihood of becoming a successful adult is in the small percentage numbers.

Kudos for this family for taking on the risk of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage. The risk of RAD, sensory issues, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, ADHD, etc. Yet, so many are criticizing for changing the name, saying that she will become Americanized and saying that within a few months people won't even know she is Russian.

I have adopted multiple times internationally, including older kids. There is absolutely no consensus one way or another on the issue of changing names. Even talking to adult adoptees will give you only anecdotal information about how that particular person feels, not how it affects adoptees as a whole. As far as Americanizing her, well, seems to me the last time I adopted, one of the seminars I was required to take as a requirement of the Hague Convention rules was on reaculturalization. That's the same as Americanizing given that the reaculturalization is in America. It happens. It's a fact of life because their life will be in America. Americanization does not mean that the original culture is lost or rejected. Finally, as far as not knowing she is Russian, that is a fact of life and personally I don't see it as a bad thing. Once she is not readily identifiable as an adopted child, then she and her family can have control over whom, if anyone, they share the information about her adoption with. As a parent who, when out with my child who is of a different race, has been asked more than once "how much did your child cost", I can appreciate the desire for annomonity.

So, again, kudos to this wonderful family to adopting a child that most people would never even consider parenting due to the risks and difficulties of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage.

I agree with the previous poster. Plus, changing the name is the prerogative of the parents. They will pronounce this name hundreds of times a day; the fact that they chose a name they like will create a stronger attachment, no doubt about that.

And it may involve a minor grieving process for the girl (attached to her "old name") but with love and good parenting she will get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys, chill out. Maybe having to change names was a minor trauma for this child, but it's NOTHING compare to what she would have endured had she remained an orphan in Russia. In the long run, it's all for the better.

Maybe yes. Maybe no. Especially in the case of older children, adoptive parents are not adequately prepared to deal with the many issues a lot of these kids have (not the kids' fault at all, obviously) and the kids experience a lot of trauma. Again, the perspectives of adult adoptees on these questions is often eye-opening.

You're kidding right? That a name change is far worse than growing up in an orphanage where he likelihood of becoming a successful adult is in the small percentage numbers.

Kudos for this family for taking on the risk of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage. The risk of RAD, sensory issues, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, ADHD, etc. Yet, so many are criticizing for changing the name, saying that she will become Americanized and saying that within a few months people won't even know she is Russian.

I have adopted multiple times internationally, including older kids. There is absolutely no consensus one way or another on the issue of changing names. Even talking to adult adoptees will give you only anecdotal information about how that particular person feels, not how it affects adoptees as a whole. As far as Americanizing her, well, seems to me the last time I adopted, one of the seminars I was required to take as a requirement of the Hague Convention rules was on reaculturalization. That's the same as Americanizing given that the reaculturalization is in America. It happens. It's a fact of life because their life will be in America. Americanization does not mean that the original culture is lost or rejected. Finally, as far as not knowing she is Russian, that is a fact of life and personally I don't see it as a bad thing. Once she is not readily identifiable as an adopted child, then she and her family can have control over whom, if anyone, they share the information about her adoption with. As a parent who, when out with my child who is of a different race, has been asked more than once "how much did your child cost", I can appreciate the desire for annomonity.

So, again, kudos to this wonderful family to adopting a child that most people would never even consider parenting due to the risks and difficulties of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage.

My comment wasn't "better off in orphanage than having her name changed." My comment simply pointed out the reality that not all adoptive families are so wonderful -- as another poster pointed out, there is the poor little boy sent back to Russia by himself and there are other cases. Not all people are really qualified to be adoptive parents. It takes more than an attitude of "love will make everything okay."

We're a transracial adoptive family and we rarely get comments/questions (we live in arlington and there are tons of adoptive families around), so I can't imagine wanting anonymity. I read the original post as the a-parents looking forward to being able to hide the fact that their daughter was adopted -- which is a more common view than you might think.

[Anonymous]

my comment wasn't "better off in orphanage than having her name changed." My comment simply pointed out the reality that not all adoptive families are so wonderful -- as another poster pointed out, there is the poor little boy sent back to Russia by himself and there are other cases. Not all people are really qualified to be adoptive parents. It takes more than an attitude of "love will make everything okay."

We're a transracial adoptive family and we rarely get comments/questions (we live in arlington and there are tons of adoptive families around), so I can't imagine wanting anonymity. I read the original post as the a-parents looking forward to being able to hide the fact that their daughter was adopted -- which is a more common view than you might think.

Of course you are right that not everyone is qualified to be an adoptive parent. But most really do a great job of it. If you look at all of the adoptions from Russia, very few kids end up with parents that aren't going to do just fine.

One of the things that strikes me is the completely negative spin you put on the AP's comments. I am not so willing to assume that someone who has been vetted through the home study process and who is committed enough to the adoption to have invested probably well over a year and many tens of thousands of dollars to adopt doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in terms of their ability to parent. And, knowing the education that is required by most agencies, which includes preparation for the difficulties of adoption, especially when adopting kids from Russia who usualy have faced particularly difficult challenges, such as fetal alcohol exposure and deplorable orphanage conditions, I admire these parents for saying yes to a seven year old.

Something else to think about. When adopting a seven year old from Russia, that child can't speak English, probably hasn't started school yet, and will likely to face some intense overstimulation from the assault to the senses that happens when coming to America following life in a Russian orphanage - in addition to whatever learning disabilities brought on by the lack of neurological development caused by the deprivation of orphanage life and fetal alcohol that this young girl has. Perhaps getting this young girl to the point where people don't recognize her from Russia will be an accomplishment because it will mean that she is caught up educationally and that they've been able to socialize her and successfully integrate her into normal family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, again, kudos to this wonderful family to adopting a child that most people would never even consider parenting due to the risks and difficulties of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage.

Are you serious?
Adopting is a selfish thing. You do it because you want a child of your own. It is about the a-parents selfish needs
The neighbors do not need to place that family on a pedestal because they adopted, and the adoptee does not need to feel grateful for them for adopting her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When adopting a seven year old from Russia, that child can't speak English, probably hasn't started school yet, and will likely to face some intense overstimulation from the assault to the senses that happens when coming to America following life in a Russian orphanage - in addition to whatever learning disabilities brought on by the lack of neurological development caused by the deprivation of orphanage life and fetal alcohol that this young girl has. Perhaps getting this young girl to the point where people don't recognize her from Russia will be an accomplishment because it will mean that she is caught up educationally and that they've been able to socialize her and successfully integrate her into normal family life.

The school system in Russia is better than America
7 year olds do go to school there. They have preschools and kindergartens, and orphanage children attend these
Every adoptee has a different story. Every adoptee has not been in the orphanage all their lives, they do not all have learning disabilites, lack neurological develepment, fetal alcohol syndrome
Perhaps we can do more than say she must catch up educationally, be able to socialize(?) and hope for the day she will not be recognized as the adoptee from Russia with neurological development difficiencies, fetal alcohol syndrome and learning disabilities
There actually are bad adoptive families. Every adoption does not end up with a happy family. It should be about providing children that do not have a family, with a family, not providing families with children. And the needs of the child is what should be the main concern, not the needs of the a-family

By the sounds of it, this family should not have been allowed to adopt, and neither should some lunatics on this forum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the sounds of it, this family should not have been allowed to adopt, and neither should some lunatics on this forum

You're wrong. This discussion just goes on to show that changing a child's name is a strictly personal decision and that this decision alone cannot be used to judge whether a family is "good" or "bad".

I myself am an adoptive parent. We adopted two siblings from Russia aged 7 and 5 in the summer of 2005. Though we kept their birth names as their middle names, two other families we were with, also adopting older children, gave their children completely new names - first, middle and last.

It has been 6 years now and both families are doing fine, apart from the "normal" challenges families adopting from Russia are prepared for.

Other families may keep the name and do well - or not. So it depends. I would suggest adoptive families out there to follow their hearts.

Jen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The adopted child gets your last name. Isn't that enough "claiming" for you? If you are adopting from Ethiopia, the child will get the AP's first name as a middle name. Again, isn't that enough claiming with out taking away the one thing the child can hold onto? She has lost everything else, but you can't let her keep her name?

Wow. So many comments like this one. Liberal stupidity. You guys are the reason why we're stuck with a President named Barack Hussein Obama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adopted child gets your last name. Isn't that enough "claiming" for you? If you are adopting from Ethiopia, the child will get the AP's first name as a middle name. Again, isn't that enough claiming with out taking away the one thing the child can hold onto? She has lost everything else, but you can't let her keep her name?

Wow. So many comments like this one. Liberal stupidity. You guys are the reason why we're stuck with a President named Barack Hussein Obama.

That post makes absolutely no sense. You are just looking to shoehorn some Obama bashing into the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adopted child gets your last name. Isn't that enough "claiming" for you? If you are adopting from Ethiopia, the child will get the AP's first name as a middle name. Again, isn't that enough claiming with out taking away the one thing the child can hold onto? She has lost everything else, but you can't let her keep her name?

Wow. So many comments like this one. Liberal stupidity. You guys are the reason why we're stuck with a President named Barack Hussein Obama.

Another person who hopefully has never adopted -- clearly shouldn't be allowed to.

[Anonymous]

Ick, I got Republican on me. Hand me a brillo pad.

[Anonymous]

This is kind of appalling. Adopted children are subjected to mental torture and a lot of people don't even give a damn. How is that even ALLOWED?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, again, kudos to this wonderful family to adopting a child that most people would never even consider parenting due to the risks and difficulties of adopting an older child from a Russian orphanage.

Are you serious?
Adopting is a selfish thing. You do it because you want a child of your own. It is about the a-parents selfish needsThe neighbors do not need to place that family on a pedestal because they adopted, and the adoptee does not need to feel grateful for them for adopting her

This is really funny given the fact that people are always telling people who try IVF that they are selfish and they should "just adopt" because it is the unselfish thing to do. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[Anonymous]

The adoptive parents have already sacrificed a lot and will no doubt sacrifice more. I think they are entitled to having wants and needs, which they will balance against their childrens' wants and needs just like the rest of us. No good comes from expecting parents (biological or not) to be perfectly selfless at all times. They're human. Surely most of us still love our parents and are grateful to them for the things they've done for us, even if there were also things we really wish they hadn't.

I do think that changing a 7-year-old's name and depriving her of a chance to retain her language and culture, in an area where doing so poses no great hardship and could enrich the lives of the entire family, is needlessly cruel and closed-minded. But if this is the only parenting mistake they ever make, they will still be doing better than many parents out there.