Reply to My DH regrets having kids

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[quote=Anonymous][b]It doesn't deal with the real issue, which is not the fact that his life has changed but that his maturity level has not changed along with it. And the fact that what OP wanted was a family, not just children, and by that I mean a unit where both parents love, support, nurture their children and each other. I feel sorry for OP and sorry for the kids who will figure out, if they haven't already, that dad is more interest in his own unhappiness than in their happiness. [/b]

This is so true in my family as well and I did try SAHM to see if it helped. Now trying to figure out finances to get out.

I think before kids you can be a couple without being a family as much. To have someone who sees showing up and kind of resentful minimal caretaking as the same thing as being part of a family is soul crushing for the other family members. You want someone to share your life and gratefulness and joy in your kids. I find we are all happier when it's just me and the kids, the brooding negativity is a drag and a drain.

OP does your husband have close relationships with anyone in his life? Close to any family, long term friends, etc? Any relationships he nurtured, invested in, values? In our case, the answer would be no, and so I can no longer expect that things might change. Am horrified at the example this is setting for the kids and how they may in turn seek out people like this. I'll never forget what a friend once said about her boyfriend, "if only you could understand, like I understand, how hard it is for him to give so little". You value relationships, your husband is using technology and hurtful words to try to avoid them. I am willing to guess that he did not have a close loving family and may have wanted kids so quickly so that they in a sense could meet his needs. But parenting is much more of a relentless giveathon. He feels like he didn't get what he wanted so has pulled back. He doesn't think about the kids as people really, or about wanting to be a good dad.

Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged. You need to make that his "new normal". Has worked for friends, alas, not in our case.  At our house, any minimal improvements are always directed at the kids, never me (the bitch who requests change), and they never last long. It's sad, but it doesn't have to be our daily reality, that is in my hands.

Best to you and your family OP. The kids are watching all the time, your life is their template. Wish I'd learned more about self care and picking well at an early age, but even an old dog can learn new tricks I hope. [/quote]

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