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[quote=Anonymous]As a wife who is by far the primary earner and yet still fully participates in home life and all mental load, overall I think this all seems ok. Honestly, if there is something overwhelming you, I think it is reasonable to determine how to resolve that issue.

In my case, it was handling night wakings with a special needs child that didn’t sleep through the night until she was 14 that almost broke me. I was very, very unhappy for about 18 months over this. My husband thought I was vastly underestimating what he did during the day. I thought I might have a breakdown if I didn’t get more rest. We were both right. I told him I was renting a studio to sleep in every other night after many months of frustration. We went to 50/50 once I showed I was serious about this. With more sleep, I was able to see and be more appreciative of all he does. Then, we added middle school homework with an ADHD kid (not the one that didn’t sleep through the night). That is all on me because they cannot do homework together. I feel like this is a new part time job for me.  He has stepped up the physical care for the kid with profound disabilities as I age poorly. Menopause has made me more empathetic about his weaknesses in executive functioning as I bear the mental load. I joke that “everything is going down now that we all have limited exec functioning.” Overall, I don’t think either of us is trying to take advantage of the other. We both want what is what is best for our family. It is ok to revisit stuff over time.

Your resolution may not be that your spouse can pick up whatever is frustrating you the most. It might be that a kid needs to drop an activity. Or you have a standing handyman visit once a month and virtually all that stuff waits for them (unless a true emergency). Get creative and try to approach the issue with the assumption that you both want what is best for everyone. Good luck![/quote]

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