Second Shift - sucks for dads too

[Anonymous]

It gets better. I promise. But, yea, when the kids are younger, it's so hard. I don't sugar coat it to my kids. I tell them that it's hard work. They are now 17 and 20, and it's been sooooo much easier. I have time for me now, and will have a lot more time for me once the youngest goes off to college this fall.

This is the reason why the younger generation are not having any kids. Our culture and systems aren't setup to promote having children. There was that poll they took on young adults and what was most important to them. For women, having children was low on the totem pole.

This country is in trouble if something doesn't change, especially given how anti-immigrant its become. Without immigrants, the birth rate would be in decline.

From the CBO

[Anonymous]

I, personally, need to stop making excuses. I CAN afford to outsource more and don't. I need to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.fastcompany.com/91496750/new-second-shift-burning-out-both-parents

We are a dual working parent household and I so wish we had understood how awful it would be.

We both work in office, commute 30-60 min each way, and work 8-9 hour days. We thought this would be a reasonable setup, with one going in a little early and the other late to handle the morning and evening kid wrangling.

But it has just drained our entire life away. There is always a mess in the house (and now the yard, yay spring), weekends are errands, 7 piles of laundry, cleaning, yardwork.

We don’t make the kind of money we can outsource, like in the article above where they order out for dinner (I think us Millennials order the most takeout of any generation?).

We have no nearby family, no extra cash, and every moment is spoken for. And of course now apparently the good schools we slaved to afford to buy zoned for don’t matter because there won’t be any jobs for our kids.

Just a PSA to GenZ…

Whenever parents complain about this, I always ask, what exactly did you think raising kids was going to be like?

If you grew up in the 80s/90s, this was what life was. Regular daily life was come home, cook dinner, do chores, go to bed. Weekends were more chores, being dragged by your parents to run errands, and trips to the park. A couple times a year you went to the movies, maybe once a month you'd go out for pizza.

Our parents didn't have hobbies. Hell, my parents spent weekends buying junk at flea markets and then re-selling them at our garage sales for extra cash because their salaries didn't cover everything. That was their "hobby".

Messes AND financial problems are easily solved by, get rid of all the crap in your house and quit buying more.

I also want to check their screen time. My xH spent hours a day scrolling his phone, then complained he never had time for anything he wanted to do. Well, duh. Instead of spending 45 minutes pooping, get it done in 2 minutes then go do whatever it is you actually want to do.

Oh you mean when you could live off of one parents income? I grew up in the 90s, my mom stayed home as did virtually every other kid I knew.

Yes, I essentially have the same job my granddad did. He could afford a nice house and 7 kids with a stay at home mom on one income. No way could I swing that alone.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it’s hard. Mine are grown now (24 and 21) and I have gobs of free time. Back when mine were young there was no WFH, no flexibility. You sucked it up and just did the grind. Any semblance of a social life outside of birthday parties and play dates was pretty non-existent. Sometimes I’m envious of my coworkers who can just WFH for any snow days or sniffles when I was burning through PTO 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it’s hard. Mine are grown now (24 and 21) and I have gobs of free time. Back when mine were young there was no WFH, no flexibility. You sucked it up and just did the grind. Any semblance of a social life outside of birthday parties and play dates was pretty non-existent. Sometimes I’m envious of my coworkers who can just WFH for any snow days or sniffles when I was burning through PTO 20 years ago.

I'd like things to improve for the next generation.

I did see just how brutal things were for my Dad and granddad and what that did to their health. Both had heart attacks.

[Anonymous]

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!


I thought it was fabulous and amazing to be a WOHM, and SAHMs were a waste of space!!

I thought - SAHMs provided zero value when - house was clean, laundry done, meals cooked, grocery bought, cars serviced, house organized, bills paid, drycleaning picked, social engagements met, entertaining done, kids school and ECs nailed, eldercare sorted, petcare done, yardwork sorted, haircuts scheduled, wellness checkups done, dental and eye exams done, home remodeling/improvement thoughtfully done.

Oh dear! What happened?? Why has life become so shitty???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.fastcompany.com/91496750/new-second-shift-burning-out-both-parents

We are a dual working parent household and I so wish we had understood how awful it would be.

We both work in office, commute 30-60 min each way, and work 8-9 hour days. We thought this would be a reasonable setup, with one going in a little early and the other late to handle the morning and evening kid wrangling.

But it has just drained our entire life away. There is always a mess in the house (and now the yard, yay spring), weekends are errands, 7 piles of laundry, cleaning, yardwork.

We don’t make the kind of money we can outsource, like in the article above where they order out for dinner (I think us Millennials order the most takeout of any generation?).

We have no nearby family, no extra cash, and every moment is spoken for. And of course now apparently the good schools we slaved to afford to buy zoned for don’t matter because there won’t be any jobs for our kids.

Just a PSA to GenZ…

Laundry is easy to tackle. Do a load daily. Put it in when you wake up. Put it in the dryer before you leave. take it out when you get home and fold it. One load is easy to take care of.

Our HE washer takes 2 hrs and is tiny. House is tiny. Putting away anything is jumanji. I should have quit my job, moved to a cheaper and spacious far out house, spouse commute 1hr, and I SAH

This is exactly what we did. Spouse commutes 1 hr to DC every day from the boonies. The house was a stretch in the beginning because we did not have much savings but after some time money eased and I could also outsource some things at home so I was not doing everything.

The thing is that this only works if your DH's culture, values and mindset values the SAH wife/mom and considers her vital for the family - and you as a mom and wife are not exploited or disrespected for not contributing a salary. If you have equal say and you are financially secure and have trust in your partner and your family, only then you would want to take on the role of a SHAM. Otherwise, which sane woman would jeopardize their own safety, self-respect, career aspirations and financial stability by becoming a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

A man is not a plan. Don’t quit your job unless you are independently wealthy outside of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never leave the house with the dryer on.

then start the dryer when you get home.

Sorry, another tangent...

Most people are not using their washer/dryer every day, or using the shorter cycles to get laundry done quickly. Most of the times, clothes are not grimy or dirty and mostly you are washing the sweat off. . I can speed wash in 15-minutes cold cycles and the right products and then another 20-30 minutes for drying. Do daily loads, use short cycles and laundry is never an issue. Or, go to a laundromat. Nowadays they have huge machines and jumbo dryers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!


I thought it was fabulous and amazing to be a WOHM, and SAHMs were a waste of space!!

I thought - SAHMs provided zero value when - house was clean, laundry done, meals cooked, grocery bought, cars serviced, house organized, bills paid, drycleaning picked, social engagements met, entertaining done, kids school and ECs nailed, eldercare sorted, petcare done, yardwork sorted, haircuts scheduled, wellness checkups done, dental and eye exams done, home remodeling/improvement thoughtfully done.

Oh dear! What happened?? Why has life become so shitty???

No, you misunderstood. It was just that the SAHM crying how they have the hardest job in the world that gets derision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!


I thought it was fabulous and amazing to be a WOHM, and SAHMs were a waste of space!!

I thought - SAHMs provided zero value when - house was clean, laundry done, meals cooked, grocery bought, cars serviced, house organized, bills paid, drycleaning picked, social engagements met, entertaining done, kids school and ECs nailed, eldercare sorted, petcare done, yardwork sorted, haircuts scheduled, wellness checkups done, dental and eye exams done, home remodeling/improvement thoughtfully done.

Oh dear! What happened?? Why has life become so shitty???

Wow, scrapping the barrel there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never leave the house with the dryer on.

then start the dryer when you get home.

Sorry, another tangent...

Most people are not using their washer/dryer every day, or using the shorter cycles to get laundry done quickly. Most of the times, clothes are not grimy or dirty and mostly you are washing the sweat off. . I can speed wash in 15-minutes cold cycles and the right products and then another 20-30 minutes for drying. Do daily loads, use short cycles and laundry is never an issue. Or, go to a laundromat. Nowadays they have huge machines and jumbo dryers.

You need longer cycles for enzymes to get out odor; detergent without phosphate is way way slower. You probably have gotten used to the odor because all your clothing and sheets have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!


I thought it was fabulous and amazing to be a WOHM, and SAHMs were a waste of space!!

I thought - SAHMs provided zero value when - house was clean, laundry done, meals cooked, grocery bought, cars serviced, house organized, bills paid, drycleaning picked, social engagements met, entertaining done, kids school and ECs nailed, eldercare sorted, petcare done, yardwork sorted, haircuts scheduled, wellness checkups done, dental and eye exams done, home remodeling/improvement thoughtfully done.

Oh dear! What happened?? Why has life become so shitty???

Wow, scrapping the barrel there.

Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.fastcompany.com/91496750/new-second-shift-burning-out-both-parents

We are a dual working parent household and I so wish we had understood how awful it would be.

We both work in office, commute 30-60 min each way, and work 8-9 hour days. We thought this would be a reasonable setup, with one going in a little early and the other late to handle the morning and evening kid wrangling.

But it has just drained our entire life away. There is always a mess in the house (and now the yard, yay spring), weekends are errands, 7 piles of laundry, cleaning, yardwork.

We don’t make the kind of money we can outsource, like in the article above where they order out for dinner (I think us Millennials order the most takeout of any generation?).

We have no nearby family, no extra cash, and every moment is spoken for. And of course now apparently the good schools we slaved to afford to buy zoned for don’t matter because there won’t be any jobs for our kids.

Just a PSA to GenZ…

Whenever parents complain about this, I always ask, what exactly did you think raising kids was going to be like?

If you grew up in the 80s/90s, this was what life was. Regular daily life was come home, cook dinner, do chores, go to bed. Weekends were more chores, being dragged by your parents to run errands, and trips to the park. A couple times a year you went to the movies, maybe once a month you'd go out for pizza.

Our parents didn't have hobbies. Hell, my parents spent weekends buying junk at flea markets and then re-selling them at our garage sales for extra cash because their salaries didn't cover everything. That was their "hobby".

Messes AND financial problems are easily solved by, get rid of all the crap in your house and quit buying more.

I also want to check their screen time. My xH spent hours a day scrolling his phone, then complained he never had time for anything he wanted to do. Well, duh. Instead of spending 45 minutes pooping, get it done in 2 minutes then go do whatever it is you actually want to do.

Oh you mean when you could live off of one parents income? I grew up in the 90s, my mom stayed home as did virtually every other kid I knew.

As I said in my response, both my parents works and had side hustles. I grew up in North Arlington, and nearly all my friends had parents who both worked. My grandparents, who also lived in North Arlington, also both worked.

Having two incomes has long been the norm in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

This is why people leave expensive areas. You don’t earn the salary to live a comfortable life wherever you are.

I’d suggest looking for a new job somewhere less expensive. A place where you can afford to outsource, a shorter commute, more comfortable house etc.