Reply to How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP I had parents like this.  Lots of surface you're amazing, we're proud of you, we love you but if I made any attempt to express any real feelings or thoughts, they were not interested and the whole conversation was shut down.  Lots of pretending and gaslighting if any actual truths were stated about past or current things said and done.  Pretending we were some great family was the only acceptable version of reality.

The reason why OP is writing a 5 page letter is the dynamic has likely been going on for decades and a lot of resentment builds up.  Turns out when you sweep your feelings under the rug for decades, it leads to a pretty big damn pile under the rug that you are tripping over constantly.  So people picking on her for doing that, you just don't get it.  It's a long and complex road to get to a place like this with parents.

OP, you need to detach emotionally from them and stop caring about it all so much.

My path with my parents (who are now dead) was one annual visit that was fake and performative and not all that fun but I checked the box.  A grey rock phone call once every couple weeks.  When they were old, I helped them.  They were not a real part of my life and didn't really know me at all as an adult and I invested in relationships in my life that were more authentic.  I have zero regrets.

With my own children, what I have tried to parent with is the idea that people will forgive most things if you listen openly and honestly and respond honestly and apologize.  Yes, really just validate and say I'm sorry.  It's not that hard but for some people it's apparently very very hard.  I am not a perfect person or parent so if my children say something to me, I listen carefully, think about it and acknowledge it and we move on.  All you can do is break the cycle with your own children.[/quote]

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