Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah … He needs to be seen by a dr.
You both are overwhelmed w so many kids.

He appears checked out from you & those kids.. Guessing bc he’s been able to coast & do so for so long.

Ugh.

OP here. I know I am super burnt out - I've been on baby nighttime duty since I gave birth. He sleeps with our middle child in their bedroom but kiddo oftentimes comes into the room for me, and then the baby wakes up, too 🫣

Not saying his job is easy, it certainly isn't physical at all. I used to work outside of the home before having kids and yeah, I get some days suck, mentally you're exhausted. He has time to listen to podcasts during each work day, so it leaves me wondering..

I appreciate your reply.

OP You have to put your foot down. You know his actions or lack there of are unfair.

Yes life stinks at times w littles however you two are a team .. and he’s not pulling his weight in any way shape or form

Only you can decide how much longer you can deal with & put up w all of what you’ve shared.


Wishing you the best!

OP here. Yeah, I feel like I have - we got into a big argument this past summer where I basically said I am contemplating separationand I'm doing all of the parenting work anyways.

He claimed he didn't know how I felt but that's utter BS because I've been communicating my needs and the kids' needs for years.

He said it was due opening for him but in 6 months nothing has changed. I'm starting to think about separation again.

Yesterday he was gone all day for a work off-site. When he got home he was on his phone again.. so frustrating.

I appreciate your reply.

Id stop w the empty threats. Maybe get the ball rolling on that separation. Speak to some lawyers

He’s full of excuses & not gonna’ change.

OP here.

Unfortunately probably right. Last week he asked me something along the lines of, "Do you think you're going to have a better life living in an apartment if we separate?"

It caught me a bit off guard..

I would have said, "I actually look forward to you having the kids every other weekend."

OP here. Like a reverse psychology thing?

[Anonymous]

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His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

OP here. I mean crush me financially to ensure I wouldn't get a fair share of child support or money. Probably not even my desired physical custody, either. They are rich and have a lot of contacts in virtually every industry. And if they don't have direct ties, they know someone who does. I have no doubt they'll exert their status and wealth to take care of their own son and to make me look like a horrible mother and person.

What is your desired physical custody?

If they were guardians, would they harm these children? If yes, how and why do you believe this?

OP here. My desired physical custody would be 100% since I am with them full-time and actually take care of them. But I have read that unless there is physical abuse, it will be 50/50. Which sucks. Because I can't trust him to take care of them when they are with him.

Sometimes when I am in the shower, my oldest will come to me and tell me Dad won't feed them because he's busy even after asking. Or will tell me that Daddy is being mean or won't help in some way.

This is probably the #1 reason I'm still here. Because at least I can exert control over the childrens' wellbeing as much as I can. It terrifies me to think what would occur during my off-times..

I don't believe my in-laws would hurt the children. But my FIL has the worst temper I've ever seen (probably where my husband gets it from) and he and my MIL fight all the time. I hate being around them when they go at it.

Do you believe the family would not ensure the children are fed?

Given what you have described, I would assume the grandparents would throw money at the problem for the son. Not a situation where custody could be adjusted due to evidence of neglect.

OP here. Well my in-laws don't live around us full-time, so it would be my husband with the kids and when in-laws are in town they would visit, no doubt.

No, I don't anticipate any change in custody, which is why it sucks.. unless we could agree on something between ourselves, but I don't even know if a court would accept an agreement between the two parties or not.

Courts will accept almost any custody and child support agreement that the two parents agree to. And when I say almost, I mean a court would only overturn the joint parent agreement if there was some kind of obvious criminality, or serious documented physical or sexual abuse history (and even these things might not be enough to have a court overturn a joint agreement).

OP here. Appreciate your reply.

[Anonymous]

Are you looking to divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking to divorce?

OP here. I am afraid we may be getting to that point. Things haven't improved with his approach to our family, so probably marching in that direction. Not seeking it out, but it might come to that after all.

[Anonymous]

He knows exactly how skewed the dynamic is and he's telling you that you're going to deal with this or else he'll impoverish you.

This gave me chills. This dynamic is so evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you looking to divorce?

OP here. I am afraid we may be getting to that point. Things haven't improved with his approach to our family, so probably marching in that direction. Not seeking it out, but it might come to that after all.

Girlllllllll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

Way too long. I’m going to do something that’s not urgent before I get back to this

[Anonymous]

Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah … He needs to be seen by a dr.
You both are overwhelmed w so many kids.

He appears checked out from you & those kids.. Guessing bc he’s been able to coast & do so for so long.

Ugh.

OP here. I know I am super burnt out - I've been on baby nighttime duty since I gave birth. He sleeps with our middle child in their bedroom but kiddo oftentimes comes into the room for me, and then the baby wakes up, too 🫣

Not saying his job is easy, it certainly isn't physical at all. I used to work outside of the home before having kids and yeah, I get some days suck, mentally you're exhausted. He has time to listen to podcasts during each work day, so it leaves me wondering..

I appreciate your reply.

OP You have to put your foot down. You know his actions or lack there of are unfair.

Yes life stinks at times w littles however you two are a team .. and he’s not pulling his weight in any way shape or form

Only you can decide how much longer you can deal with & put up w all of what you’ve shared.


Wishing you the best!

OP here. Yeah, I feel like I have - we got into a big argument this past summer where I basically said I am contemplating separationand I'm doing all of the parenting work anyways.

He claimed he didn't know how I felt but that's utter BS because I've been communicating my needs and the kids' needs for years.

He said it was due opening for him but in 6 months nothing has changed. I'm starting to think about separation again.

Yesterday he was gone all day for a work off-site. When he got home he was on his phone again.. so frustrating.

I appreciate your reply.

Id stop w the empty threats. Maybe get the ball rolling on that separation. Speak to some lawyers

He’s full of excuses & not gonna’ change.

OP here.

Unfortunately probably right. Last week he asked me something along the lines of, "Do you think you're going to have a better life living in an apartment if we separate?"

It caught me a bit off guard..

Seize this offer. Don’t let the moment pass. And can’t he move out? Maybe you don’t care. I had a like marriage and stayed way too long thinking I was doing it for the children. Regret not leaving as soon as he suggested it years ago. I finally moved out bc I couldn’t tolerate the toxicity another moment. Took 3.5 years to divorce bc he didn’t want to. I’m 60 now and am burnt the hell out. Take care of yourself OP. If you’re okay your kids will be too. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

Why should that be her only concern?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

This is a stupid post and embarrassing from a so-called child psychiatrist. Men don't have the same experiences? Ridiculous horse shit. No, the truth is that men don't seek out any of the experiences and disdain the knowledge they need to be effective parents and partners because they don't care.

They also know that people like you will enable them in their parasitism by making stupid excuses and telling overworked wives they can't expect an adult of normal intelligence not to be a free-riding loser.

There is no female-only vortex in which the parenting books and resources you refer to are located. In fact, these resources are more available to men because their myopic self-focus and exploitative refusal to do their fair share means they have way more free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

Why should that be her only concern?

This is an MRA poster trolling OP, who is too tired/burnt out to see it (or just a kind person who doesn't pick up when someone's needling her).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you had too many kids and are the primary parent. Being together for a long long time has nothing to do with being married to a deadbeat. Marriage counseling crickets for 7 years and still proceeded to have another baby? You are part of the problem, too.