Guilt over assisted living for parent

[Anonymous]

Your post makes it sound like you work and also take full time care of your dad.

How can you be full time with your dad if you also work??

Can you clarify?

[Anonymous]

He needs way more than assisted living if he cannot get out of bed alone OP. It's waaaay past time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly went through this over the summer. I was helping my mom all the time. Taking her to the doctor, getting her groceries, helping her with the shower, getting her medicine… It’s a lot. I have a high schooler and college aged kid too, and work full time.
We talked about it over the summer, and her health kept declining. I couldn’t keep doing it. Ultimately, we moved her into a facility. She was not happy about it. She didn’t speak to me for about a month. But she has gotten over her anger and resentment.
I told her that it wasn’t fair to me or my family to have to care for her. I could not keep doing it all. She understood, but she really wanted to stay in her home. I’m not going to lie, it was a really difficult transition for her.
It’s a really hard position to be in. Good luck navigating.

Let’s all promise we won’t be stubborn and we will move when the time comes.

No parent should be guilting their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you want your children to sacrifice their marriage and time with their kids for you?

I am caring for an elderly family member right now. It's awful and I have thought about unaliving myself many times. I have been robbed of years with my kids that I cannot get back. I tell my kids I will NEVER do this them and I will never become a burden to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs way more than assisted living if he cannot get out of bed alone OP. It's waaaay past time.

Yes typically that is Nursing care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs way more than assisted living if he cannot get out of bed alone OP. It's waaaay past time.

This is not necessarily true. There are levels of care in AL.

[Anonymous]

Also, consider the upside. There is so much more life going on in a center compared to a SFH. There's a lot of stimulation. It is not giving in. It's getting specialized care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you want your children to sacrifice their marriage and time with their kids for you?

I am caring for an elderly family member right now. It's awful and I have thought about unaliving myself many times. I have been robbed of years with my kids that I cannot get back. I tell my kids I will NEVER do this them and I will never become a burden to them.

I am so sorry you are going through this! I can absolutely relate, as I went through this with my mother. Every Saturday was dedicated to her. And at least two nights a week. My kids and my family suffered. We moved her into a facility over the summer. It was totally worth it. It was very very hard for her. She ended up having a mental breakdown and being in a rehab facility for 3 weeks because she was yelling and screaming.
If I’m being honest, I don’t feel guilty about it. I feel bad for her, but not guilty about it.
It isn’t fair to be part of the sandwich generation.
And absolutely, I swear I will never do this to my children.
Seek help for your depression. You need to take care of yourself. (Hugs)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

Your sister is right. She has boundaries. Your anger is misplaced. You made these choices. In assisted living he could have social stimulation with peers and when you visit you would not be burned out. There is no need to be a martyr. He can get proper care without being with you all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

Your sister is right. She has boundaries. Your anger is misplaced. You made these choices. In assisted living he could have social stimulation with peers and when you visit you would not be burned out. There is no need to be a martyr. He can get proper care without being with you all the time.

Just wanted to add I say this as someone who was in your shoes and angry that no only did nobody appreciate my years of sacrificed, it got erased and my parent preferred the sibling who did nothing. Yes, care facilities are understaffed, but IMO it's safer than being with a burned out adult child and hired caregivers in a home isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you want your children to sacrifice their marriage and time with their kids for you?

I am caring for an elderly family member right now. It's awful and I have thought about unaliving myself many times. I have been robbed of years with my kids that I cannot get back. I tell my kids I will NEVER do this them and I will never become a burden to them.

Been there and its time for a new situation. Those thoughts are not OK and you need to do take action to take care of yourself. Think of it like early stage cancer. Contact the Council on Aging to figure out options. It just gets worse. In my case the parent became unappreciative and verbally and emotionally abusive over time, no dementia, would not stay on calming meds. I had passive suicidal ideation. I wanted me, my husband and kids to all die in a hurricane or something because I knew if it were just me, she would make them miserable with demands. It was beyond needing to read a book, meet a friend for coffee or take a bath. I also fantasized about being as verbally nasty right back to her as she was to me and that would have been considered elder abuse. I needed to take myself out of the equation and manage things behind the scenes. Best decision. The sad thing is I don't like her at all anymore and now I only remember this side of her from childhood. Much harder to remember the better qualities. I care enough to make sure she has excellent people on her care team, but I have lost any affinity for her. I don't want anyone to suffer even strangers so I make sure she has proper care, but she is basically a stranger. Now at least there is more balance, and I am a better mother, spouse and worker and I no longer have a death wish. I sleep better too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs way more than assisted living if he cannot get out of bed alone OP. It's waaaay past time.

This is not necessarily true. There are levels of care in AL.

Maybe, but most I have researched it is nursing care

[Anonymous]

How is everyone paying for these moves to facilities? Selling the house only gives you a few years of care, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

How does your husband feel about your father living with you? Mine has brought up having a parent-in-law living with us before, but he is so not a caregiver, and never asked me how I feel. The answer is that I've already spent my life as a de facto solo parent to our kids, and I'm not willing to spend the rest of it caring for his parents. I would probably divorce him if he moved in a parent and dumped the caretaking responsibility on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is time for assisted living now.

Imagine you're shopping around assisted living places and you go on a tour. And there is only one person working there, and she has no training and no credential and also has a separate full-time job, and she's obviously very burnt out and tired. Would you say "Yes, this seems good, let's move my dad in"? Or would you rather he be in a place with an adequate level of staff and have some peers to spend time with?

Your siblings are not helping because they see what you're refusing to see-- that it's time for assisted living. Don't blame it on them. You're choosing this.

NP. That’s a brilliant way of seeing it. And so true.