Guilt over assisted living for parent

[Anonymous]

How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like it is working well for your dad (or you) right now and some changes are needed. There are only so many options where he can get the care he needs, will your siblings at least help with the costs should he go to a facility?

[Anonymous]

Your siblings aren’t asking you to do this so you can’t really blame them for not helping you do something they don’t even think you should be doing. The only one wanting this is you. They are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

They are TRYING to help. They are TRYING to take things off your plate. Let them.

[Anonymous]

The best time for assisted living is before it gets to this point. The second best time is now. Don’t let yourself miss even more if your life.

[Anonymous]

Yea OP this is all on you. Our sister spends all her free time tending to our 90 year old mother and doesn’t want to put her into assisted living either. The rest of us just send money. If she wants to take this on, fine—don’t blame us.

[Anonymous]

The middle ground is to have help within your home. Can your father pay for this care? Does he have the funds for nursing home care? OP, this task is overwhelmingly difficult and especially, without an end in site. You need to think about if you got the flu or broke an arm, what would happen to your dad?

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of great places out there these days. It’s not all the nursing homes of old.

Read the book “Being Mortal”. Go look at facilities near you. Caring for an elderly person at home becomes untenable at a certain point, and it sounds like you’re there. You don’t want to reach a point of crisis where your hand is forced. Take time now to look around and find something that will work for both now and the future.

[Anonymous]

Your sisters sound like they’re being realistic and supportive. Ensuring your dad gets the care he needs is loving, and it can be easier for everyone to have professional assistance once caregiving needs are at the level they are with your dad.

If a shift to assisted living feels too disruptive for now, perhaps start by bringing in professional daily caregiving for your dad at your home, and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

It is time for assisted living now.

Imagine you're shopping around assisted living places and you go on a tour. And there is only one person working there, and she has no training and no credential and also has a separate full-time job, and she's obviously very burnt out and tired. Would you say "Yes, this seems good, let's move my dad in"? Or would you rather he be in a place with an adequate level of staff and have some peers to spend time with?

Your siblings are not helping because they see what you're refusing to see-- that it's time for assisted living. Don't blame it on them. You're choosing this.

[Anonymous]

start by hiring a CNA to help in the home. Then use some of that time to start touring facilities to see what your options are. You don't have to make a decision today but you need to start doing the research.

[Anonymous]

You are going to feel guilt no matter what. It just is. It is okay to put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

I honestly went through this over the summer. I was helping my mom all the time. Taking her to the doctor, getting her groceries, helping her with the shower, getting her medicine… It’s a lot. I have a high schooler and college aged kid too, and work full time.
We talked about it over the summer, and her health kept declining. I couldn’t keep doing it. Ultimately, we moved her into a facility. She was not happy about it. She didn’t speak to me for about a month. But she has gotten over her anger and resentment.
I told her that it wasn’t fair to me or my family to have to care for her. I could not keep doing it all. She understood, but she really wanted to stay in her home. I’m not going to lie, it was a really difficult transition for her.
It’s a really hard position to be in. Good luck navigating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is time for assisted living now.

Imagine you're shopping around assisted living places and you go on a tour. And there is only one person working there, and she has no training and no credential and also has a separate full-time job, and she's obviously very burnt out and tired. Would you say "Yes, this seems good, let's move my dad in"? Or would you rather he be in a place with an adequate level of staff and have some peers to spend time with?

Your siblings are not helping because they see what you're refusing to see-- that it's time for assisted living. Don't blame it on them. You're choosing this.

THIS. For someone with significant needs, being at home is not better than being in the care of professionals who have training and specialist teams and time to rest after their shift. People do it if they can't afford professional care but it's not ideal.

And if you can afford a facility, a lot of facilities now have art class and visiting performers and exercise class - it's like camp. If you can't find a facility like this or are waiting to get in, look for non-residential programs ("adult daycare") to help take some of the load and ease the transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your siblings aren’t asking you to do this so you can’t really blame them for not helping you do something they don’t even think you should be doing. The only one wanting this is you. They are right.

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