Guilt over assisted living for parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

From where I'm sitting they're helping... by telling you the solution.

Now you can tell them to chip in for the nursing home!!!

[Anonymous]

You deal with being resentful by accepting reality. Guilt has nothing to do with reality. Guilt is something you are manufacturing.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s going to take a MASSIVE toll on you and also on your spouse and your marriage. You will get burned out. You will not be able to travel. You will feel like you can’t leave your father at home. You will grow resentful. It will wear you down physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Hire outside help to give yourself a break. As a PP said, use that time to figure out your father’s financial situation and find an assisted living facility.

You will feel bad no matter which direction you go in. But the greatest good for the greatest number is the assisted living facility option. He will have some people his own age. You can visit him and take him for outings or to your house, so that the time you have together is nicer. Even when he’s in assisted living, you will be plenty involved. It you can’t keep on the way you’re going, and if your siblings are willing to help, that’s great. Maybe they can help find a facility for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Imagine how isolated an elder feels at home. AL offers social interaction with peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much medical care is too much to keep doing and maintain at home? My sisters are saying it’s time for assisted living. Helping with showering, etc with my father. I still work, I have a son and daughter in college. Taking full time care of my father. He can’t even get out of bed alone.

I’m getting so tired and grumpy. My husband doesn’t help, but we spend all our time with my father sitting in our home.

How to alleviate the guilt? Deal with the anger of no sibling help at all? Deal with years of missing life and so resentful.

They are TRYING to help. They are TRYING to take things off your plate. Let them.

This. It is time for AL, OP. Beyond time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly went through this over the summer. I was helping my mom all the time. Taking her to the doctor, getting her groceries, helping her with the shower, getting her medicine… It’s a lot. I have a high schooler and college aged kid too, and work full time.
We talked about it over the summer, and her health kept declining. I couldn’t keep doing it. Ultimately, we moved her into a facility. She was not happy about it. She didn’t speak to me for about a month. But she has gotten over her anger and resentment.
I told her that it wasn’t fair to me or my family to have to care for her. I could not keep doing it all. She understood, but she really wanted to stay in her home. I’m not going to lie, it was a really difficult transition for her.
It’s a really hard position to be in. Good luck navigating.

Don't feel guilty! It's the best place for her and everyone else! Now she is safe, has interaction with others and you can take care of YOURSELF and your immediate family. You cannot do her care for years.

[Anonymous]

Don't dig in on keeping her in your home out of anger at siblings.
It's time, past time for her to be in assisted living or maybe even a higher level of care. Sitting around all day isn't great for him either.

[Anonymous]

In AL, our parents had more social interaction - in one day - walking down the hall to go eat, than they had during an entire week living on their own in the their own home.

Yes, they dug in their heels and didn't want to move out of their home. Within 3 months of moving though, they were settled. They were happy, happy to the point of reframing the narrative and telling everyone who would listen that the move was their great idea

[Anonymous]

Can your sisters help with the move? It absolutely sucks having to move a parent out of your home by yourself. They need to be there in person. They need to talk to your father and explain why he needs to move. They need to help with the transition and getting him settled. You should not have to do this on your own. They should be the bad cops telling him he needs to move. If they refuse to do the hard work, then they aren't being supportive IMO.

Similarly, your sisters should have been paying you for the care you are giving. I don't know what the financial situation is, but you probably saved thousands of dollars each month by taking care of him at home. It's easy to say "just put them in assisted living," but you also have to prioritize funds. You don't want to run out and not be able to afford it when you really need it. Most people have no idea how much assisted living costs a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best time for assisted living is before it gets to this point. The second best time is now. Don’t let yourself miss even more if your life.

Wow, more ruthlessly, shamelessly selfish advice on DCUM. What a surprise.

OP, can't you hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly went through this over the summer. I was helping my mom all the time. Taking her to the doctor, getting her groceries, helping her with the shower, getting her medicine… It’s a lot. I have a high schooler and college aged kid too, and work full time.
We talked about it over the summer, and her health kept declining. I couldn’t keep doing it. Ultimately, we moved her into a facility. She was not happy about it. She didn’t speak to me for about a month. But she has gotten over her anger and resentment.
I told her that it wasn’t fair to me or my family to have to care for her. I could not keep doing it all. She understood, but she really wanted to stay in her home. I’m not going to lie, it was a really difficult transition for her.
It’s a really hard position to be in. Good luck navigating.

Don't feel guilty! It's the best place for her and everyone else! Now she is safe, has interaction with others and you can take care of YOURSELF and your immediate family. You cannot do her care for years.

This post sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best time for assisted living is before it gets to this point. The second best time is now. Don’t let yourself miss even more if your life.

Wow, more ruthlessly, shamelessly selfish advice on DCUM. What a surprise.

OP, can't you hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

There is nothing wrong with reminding OP that she is still young, has her own life to live.

[Anonymous]

Would you want your children to sacrifice their marriage and time with their kids for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In AL, our parents had more social interaction - in one day - walking down the hall to go eat, than they had during an entire week living on their own in the their own home.

Yes, they dug in their heels and didn't want to move out of their home. Within 3 months of moving though, they were settled. They were happy, happy to the point of reframing the narrative and telling everyone who would listen that the move was their great idea

+1

the social interactions are key. Once a parent can no longer take care of themselves, the choice of next steps is not 100% theirs. They don't get to demand a kid takes care of them while they live at home, they simply don't. Put them in AL, they will be safer and happier once they adjust. And if not, well at least you will be 1000X happier and still married in 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly went through this over the summer. I was helping my mom all the time. Taking her to the doctor, getting her groceries, helping her with the shower, getting her medicine… It’s a lot. I have a high schooler and college aged kid too, and work full time.
We talked about it over the summer, and her health kept declining. I couldn’t keep doing it. Ultimately, we moved her into a facility. She was not happy about it. She didn’t speak to me for about a month. But she has gotten over her anger and resentment.
I told her that it wasn’t fair to me or my family to have to care for her. I could not keep doing it all. She understood, but she really wanted to stay in her home. I’m not going to lie, it was a really difficult transition for her.
It’s a really hard position to be in. Good luck navigating.

Don't feel guilty! It's the best place for her and everyone else! Now she is safe, has interaction with others and you can take care of YOURSELF and your immediate family. You cannot do her care for years.

This post sucks.

Why? She should definitely not feel guilty. She has her own immediate family and herself to take care of. That is what AL is for.