Can I charge my hourly rate for helping parent?

[Anonymous]

OP you are fortunate that your father and brother understand the sacrifice you are making to provide good care. 100% take your hourly rate as it sounds like your dad can afford it and certainly prefers you do it as opposed to a hired person - who would have to be closely managed if you are hiring at the $15-30hr rate. If this plan works for your family, great.

[Anonymous]

This is OP and my involved sibling and I would gladly hire out someone to do all the tasks I do for $25-30 an hour but like I said it isn’t caring for him it doing all the endless tasks that need doing that requires some particular knowledge.

All these people who think you can just hire someone for $25 an hour to manage an elderly person’s life are people who have never had to do the heavy lifting of trying to cancel internet and landline of an elderly person who can’t remember their PIN number. You have to sit there for over an hour trying to actually reach a person to cancel or they continue getting bills.

You think you can hire someone at that rate who can then hire movers, find people to take a bunch of stuff to goodwill, other stuff to trash. Then go to bank and get cash to pay some of these people. Change address on newspapers, and so many other things.

Please tell me who is going to the ER at 11 pm when your someone falls or has COVID and you have to advocate and speak to the doctor.

It’s hard to find someone who drives and who can pick up elderly person, sit there at the doctors office to make sure they are giving actual medical history, understand if they need to see a specialist, coordinate that apt, set up the next apt, check to see if there are outstanding balances, pick up medication at pharmacy and then drive person back to their house or assisted living.

So how is the sibling 1,000 miles away going to magically hire a person that does all that? That’s why that sibling was the one who suggested it and our father tells me all the time he wants to write me a check for all I do, for gas money, etc. I should have been taking him up on his offer but haven’t in the 7 years since our mother died.

I don’t want a penny of inheritance, I just realized how much financially I am losing out while one sibling does absolutely nothing.

And thinking about it I am not even counting all the hours my spouse and teenage kids have spent helping him out. My oldest child drives and I just realized for the past year I have been occasionally saying - after school swing by grocery store to get some cough drops, toilet paper, milk, etc. for your grandfather. Each purchase is probably under $10 so my kid feels bad asking their grandpa for the money. I thought they were getting reimbursed but they just told me they never have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and my involved sibling and I would gladly hire out someone to do all the tasks I do for $25-30 an hour but like I said it isn’t caring for him it doing all the endless tasks that need doing that requires some particular knowledge.

All these people who think you can just hire someone for $25 an hour to manage an elderly person’s life are people who have never had to do the heavy lifting of trying to cancel internet and landline of an elderly person who can’t remember their PIN number. You have to sit there for over an hour trying to actually reach a person to cancel or they continue getting bills.

You think you can hire someone at that rate who can then hire movers, find people to take a bunch of stuff to goodwill, other stuff to trash. Then go to bank and get cash to pay some of these people. Change address on newspapers, and so many other things.

Please tell me who is going to the ER at 11 pm when your someone falls or has COVID and you have to advocate and speak to the doctor.

It’s hard to find someone who drives and who can pick up elderly person, sit there at the doctors office to make sure they are giving actual medical history, understand if they need to see a specialist, coordinate that apt, set up the next apt, check to see if there are outstanding balances, pick up medication at pharmacy and then drive person back to their house or assisted living.

So how is the sibling 1,000 miles away going to magically hire a person that does all that? That’s why that sibling was the one who suggested it and our father tells me all the time he wants to write me a check for all I do, for gas money, etc. I should have been taking him up on his offer but haven’t in the 7 years since our mother died.

I don’t want a penny of inheritance, I just realized how much financially I am losing out while one sibling does absolutely nothing.

And thinking about it I am not even counting all the hours my spouse and teenage kids have spent helping him out. My oldest child drives and I just realized for the past year I have been occasionally saying - after school swing by grocery store to get some cough drops, toilet paper, milk, etc. for your grandfather. Each purchase is probably under $10 so my kid feels bad asking their grandpa for the money. I thought they were getting reimbursed but they just told me they never have been.

You needed to arrange a payment plan and a contract for services before you did these things for him. Most families do things for their elderly parents and grandparents but do not charge the parent for their time. They do it because they love their parent and it is part of being a family. But in your case, it is clear you do not see your father this way. He is a client who you believe has hired you to work for him for $80 an hour but only you decided that after the fact. I looked after a grandparent for 18 years and I am now looking after my father. For you to send your father an itemized bill for all your time and everything you have done after the fact is elder abuse. He is vulnerable and adult protective services need to be involved as he is being exploited. There needs to be someone who has the best interest of your father at heart and who can safeguard his money and figure out how best to support his needs as it doesn't seem there is anyone in the family who cares about him as a person. What you are doing is elder abuse and financial abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

I am UMC and don’t see it as distasteful at all! My parents were the absent siblings and my aunts that were local and could help should have been paid.

I would say it’s nickel and diming to be charging when you’re already at Costco and grab your dad toilet paper too. I would charge for 2 hour plus helping me times.

[Anonymous]

Scary how may posts there are of people who condone stealing from their elderly parents and finding ways to take their money. It is unfortunately a big issue with the elderly. They are frequently victims of family abuse.

OPs dad should prepare an itemized list of every minute of time he ever spent doing anything for her or her family and any money that was ever spent on her or her family over her lifetime and charge her for it at an equal rate of $80 an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You only bill out at $80/hr? That’s cheap.

+1 I’m an engineer and my rate is $175/hr. Who are these people making $80/hr?

Umm…people who make in the 160-170k range per year (ie more the twice the average US salary). Good thing that engineering apparently doesn’t require an ounce of common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and my involved sibling and I would gladly hire out someone to do all the tasks I do for $25-30 an hour but like I said it isn’t caring for him it doing all the endless tasks that need doing that requires some particular knowledge.

All these people who think you can just hire someone for $25 an hour to manage an elderly person’s life are people who have never had to do the heavy lifting of trying to cancel internet and landline of an elderly person who can’t remember their PIN number. You have to sit there for over an hour trying to actually reach a person to cancel or they continue getting bills.

You think you can hire someone at that rate who can then hire movers, find people to take a bunch of stuff to goodwill, other stuff to trash. Then go to bank and get cash to pay some of these people. Change address on newspapers, and so many other things.

Please tell me who is going to the ER at 11 pm when your someone falls or has COVID and you have to advocate and speak to the doctor.

It’s hard to find someone who drives and who can pick up elderly person, sit there at the doctors office to make sure they are giving actual medical history, understand if they need to see a specialist, coordinate that apt, set up the next apt, check to see if there are outstanding balances, pick up medication at pharmacy and then drive person back to their house or assisted living.

So how is the sibling 1,000 miles away going to magically hire a person that does all that? That’s why that sibling was the one who suggested it and our father tells me all the time he wants to write me a check for all I do, for gas money, etc. I should have been taking him up on his offer but haven’t in the 7 years since our mother died.

I don’t want a penny of inheritance, I just realized how much financially I am losing out while one sibling does absolutely nothing.

And thinking about it I am not even counting all the hours my spouse and teenage kids have spent helping him out. My oldest child drives and I just realized for the past year I have been occasionally saying - after school swing by grocery store to get some cough drops, toilet paper, milk, etc. for your grandfather. Each purchase is probably under $10 so my kid feels bad asking their grandpa for the money. I thought they were getting reimbursed but they just told me they never have been.

I do these things for free, OP, as do most people. I understand your wanting to justify your hourly rate and we can all sense your frustration with your uninterested sibling. It’s clear you’re going to try to justify your $80 an hour, no matter the advice you’re given. You do you.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe all of these posters who are wringing their hands over OP being paid for income lost due to time she lovingly cares for her father.

Getting compensated - if there is the money available and especially if her dad believes it's the right thing to do - makes sense for OP. How is this different from all the posters who receive money upon their parents' deaths?

Give me a break. This is not a case of OP taking advantage of her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of these posters who are wringing their hands over OP being paid for income lost due to time she lovingly cares for her father.

Getting compensated - if there is the money available and especially if her dad believes it's the right thing to do - makes sense for OP. How is this different from all the posters who receive money upon their parents' deaths?

Give me a break. This is not a case of OP taking advantage of her father.

It absolutely is. You don't do all kinds of things to help out a parent who is deteriorating and moving to a higher level of care and then after the fact - say pay up and the rate is $80 an hour and you owe me tens of thousands of dollars for every minute of my time that I have spent with you. Give me your money now.

If a parent chooses to leave you money at their time of their death - great. Holding them hostage for cash you decide you are taking from them while they are still alive is elder abuse. OP has made it clear that he will not see her or the grandchildren unless he pays them $80 an hour for their time - that is immense pressure to put on an elderly person who is at the point of no longer being independent. Do you want to see your family - hand over tens of thousands for every moment we have ever spent with you or else.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to document carefully. We just went through a situation where someone was stealing from an elderly family member, and there was a lawsuit. Of course it was entirely different in reality from what you describe, I'm not saying it was the same, but on paper, in front of a judge, it might look the same. I think the writing a check to yourself looks really sketchy.

Instead, I might switch it so that the person on your dad's account is your sibling, and they write the checks.

I also think it's reasonable to pay above market rate for someone's care to have someone you 100% trust. I don't think $80 is a problem, but you want to have some kind of documentation that your Dad knows it is well above market rate and has chosen to do it that way. Is your dad of sound mind? Is there someone that can draw up papers, or witness that conversation?

[Anonymous]

Just a PSA: Some state programs and Veterans programs may reimburse a family member taking the place of a caregiver they would otherwise have to pay for.

[Anonymous]

And even worse, she is charging him retrospectively for every minute she spent with him - he doesn't even get a chance to say actually never mind.

Hopefullly he gives her an itemized bill for any money given to her for college or any time or resource he or her mother ever spent with her or the family. If she is going to be greedy and abusive, he needs an advocate to fight back.Charge her retrospectively the same way she is charging him for anything done for her or her kids or spouse. Did they bring dinner over after she had a baby? Charge her for it Did they give her money for college? Charge her for it. Did they help her move a dresser in the house? Charge her for it. Did they babysit the grandkids? Charge her for it.

If that is how OP sees family - then she should expect to be treated the same way she is treating others.

[Anonymous]

Add your self as an authorized user on his credit card and make sure you pay off the bill every month. This is not difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Add your self as an authorized user on his credit card and make sure you pay off the bill every month. This is not difficult.

Unless she incorporates herself as a business, she isn't going to be able to charge his credit card for her time.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP had a pretty awful childhood and likley had abusive parents herself. That is why she has no emotional connection and sees them as a business client and a way to make money. I don't like always like my parents but even I wouldn't stoop that low.

If when I am old and sick, and my daugher brings me some food and toilet paper I need and hands me a bill for $160 for her time...I will be sorely disappointed in her as a person.