Can I charge my hourly rate for helping parent?

[Anonymous]

The short version: Can I charge my hourly rate of $80 for missing work and missing opportunities for extra work on the weekends while helping (not for just visiting) a parent.

Long version: I recently had to move my father frim a 3 bedroom condo he rented after selling his house a few years ago to a one bedroom apartment in assisted living. It was a huge task of first declutterring, throwing away so much, giving things to charities, hiring movers, etc. It’s been exhausting and I had to take time off work and work weekends. My husband and teenage kids all had to pitch in and help as well.

One sibling is appreciative and told my dad he needs to pay me my hourly rate which is $80 an hour. I had the opportunity to pick up extra work the weekends I was helping my father but declined. My father agreed right away and wrote me a check for $8000.

That sibling also said every time I take him to a doctors appointment and miss work, deal with his facility or other things I need to start charging and I should go back and charge for all the time iff of work I had to do in the last three years. My father agreed and because I am actually on his bank account he said I should just write a check from that account to myself.

So I made a spreadsheet of all the dates, hours, visits, etc. I would never charge for all the hours just visiting him and spending time with him. It’s all the times that have cost me financially. I also have spent into the thousands over the years just picking up things for him when we go to the grocery store that he likes or we are at Target and he needs a few things. But IB never kept track of that and feel like it is too late to charge anything now.

The issue is we have another sibling who does nothing and never visits. My father’s will divides everything equally. I am worried that sibling will eventually complain too much money was spent in assisted living and his care, then look at these payments and sue.

No one has a POA right now.

[Anonymous]

Maybe do it as a Google sheet so everyone abs access to the time/costs? Transparency now may help later.

[Anonymous]

Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

My sentiments exactly. Are you desperately in need of money OP? The whole thing stinks but maybe you have a unique situation

[Anonymous]

Are you going to declare that as income on your tax return?

Transparency: ensure both siblings and your father are on the same email thread confirming the agreement, the justification for you getting paid, and the process going forward. Then let both siblings see copies of your monthly invoices, again in an email that is sent to your sibling and your dad. This will show your dad was aware and consenting from the beginning.

If you can side chay your nice sibling to respond first to the initial email, saying what a great idea it is and how much you deserve both pay and thanks for looking after your father, that would help! Then other sibling may feel pressure to just agree it’s a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Good lord. My parent pays me $15 an hour, because that’s the going rate for caregivers. My regular pay at work is significantly higher, but I don’t charge that. I’m safe guarding my inheritance by keeping an eye on parents finances and keeping exploiting caregivers away

[Anonymous]

If you hired a 3rd party assistant no sibling could object later to that person being paid. They really wouldn’t have a case with this set up either.

[Anonymous]

You're extremely lucky that you're on your father's accounts, and one sibling has given you the go-ahead. Get everything in writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

You’ve got to be kidding, PP. The OP is suffering lost income. Why should she foot that bill to the benefit of the do-nothing sibling(s)?? This is a way for her to be recognized by their father for the extra care and time she is devoting, while at least one of her siblings does absolutely nothing. As a parent, I’d want to reward my child for making extra sacrifices beyond what the other children are doing. And as a parent, I’d feel like less of a burden and less like someone just taking taking taking from my child. It would feel good to give something back. And OP’s father can apparently afford to do just that.

This isn’t doing the dad’s taxes. This is ongoing, substantial, detailed, hard and sometimes exhausting work. If you haven’t been there, you can have no idea what it’s like.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can charge for your time. Just make sure to document as you have started to do.

Your other sibling is not going to be able to win a case for you father spending his own money on himself, and would be foolish to try to sue.

It’s NOT the siblings money. Until your father actually passes away and to the extent it is in the will then s/he has some say.

Your dad should absolutely spend his own money on himself including for the time you spend helping him (especially if it is a financial sacrifice for you).

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to use your father’s credit card when you buy stuff for him. Or use a dedicated credit card, buy his things separately, and reimburse yourself.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids about to enter college and really can use the money. The overtime would be going toward the college fund.

However, I absolutely would never think of charging if I only had the one supportive sibling. It’s our frustration that the sibling who hasn’t visited in years and does absolutely nothing will be benefitting by inheriting. So my caring sibling pointed out all the money I am spending and all the money I could have made at work by not charging in essence a third of that money is going to the deadbeat sibling.

That sibling who does fly out to visit, manages most of the finances and has spent hours on the phone with me and different facilities as we try to deal up all the crisis realizes how much I do and said I absolutely should be charging.

[Anonymous]

Personally I wouldn’t do it for past time because that’s murky, but moving forward yes. I agree to keep a google sheet your sins can access.

[Anonymous]

My sentiments exactly. Are you desperately in need of money OP? The whole thing stinks but maybe you have a unique situation


After my father died I spent hundreds of hours moving my mom, driving her around, taking her to many appointments, spending days in the hospital and never charged my mom. Seven years later I am OVER it, she gives money to my sibling because they make lousy choices and I'm the shmuck who is running around like a chicken without a head.

Take the money because you may feel resentful down the line. It doesn't have to be $80/hour but it is a burden.

Unless you have been in this position you shouldn't judge. The shaming the poster above made is rude. It is a thankless task and although I did it with love after 5 years I was being used because my mom refused to hire a caretaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to use your father’s credit card when you buy stuff for him. Or use a dedicated credit card, buy his things separately, and reimburse yourself.

Someone would then need to pay that credit card bill at the end of the month which my father no longer remembers to do regularly. We also were worried about home health aids finding and using credit cards so we had him cancel his credit cards because he rarely used them.

And he is not with me when I am at Costco or a target so I never felt right taking his credit card. And inevitably when I take him to appointments he can’t find his checkbook because he has squirreled it away somewhere or the place doesn’t really want checks. So for example four months ago I paid $196 for his eyeglasses.

He’s been a really good dad so I never minded but I am just so angry at the deadbeat sibling who I found has been telling distant relatives and old family friends that they still visit.