Can I charge my hourly rate for helping parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe do it as a Google sheet so everyone abs access to the time/costs? Transparency now may help later.

Best lesson in life - my father had a sibling who hoarded nearly everything for herself and her children from their grandmother’s modest estate. If she liked a bauble or a vase my dad had bought for their mom, she took it. OTOH, my mother’s family was very focused on equal-equal. Sometimes it was a little pathological, but it really shaped me to be transparent with my siblings in re our parents’ care and to suggest this to others if they ask about these issues with me. DH handles nearly everything for his parents and I’ve stressed to him that he MUST tell his sister what he does, especially as she is banking on an inheritance and may go ballistic if she finds out their expenses stripped all their money. As long as she is informed, then she should probably be fine. The parents had money but did not anticipate the astronomical increase in medical/nursing costs for their later years.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

You’ve got to be kidding, PP. The OP is suffering lost income. Why should she foot that bill to the benefit of the do-nothing sibling(s)?? This is a way for her to be recognized by their father for the extra care and time she is devoting, while at least one of her siblings does absolutely nothing. As a parent, I’d want to reward my child for making extra sacrifices beyond what the other children are doing. And as a parent, I’d feel like less of a burden and less like someone just taking taking taking from my child. It would feel good to give something back. And OP’s father can apparently afford to do just that.

This isn’t doing the dad’s taxes. This is ongoing, substantial, detailed, hard and sometimes exhausting work. If you haven’t been there, you can have no idea what it’s like.

+1 This exactly. You can stfu, previous PP if you haven't been there. I have a dear friend whose time is consumed by taking care of both elderly parents, one with dementia and one fragile. She had to retire early and she "pays herself" which means that her parents agreed and have the means and are deeply appreciative. (They even gave her a car and include gas money!). Her sibling is relieved and agrees to the arrangement.

Of course we all do this out of the goodness of our hearts too, but this is a job we are talking about. There's no reason not to earn income if all/most parties agree. Would you work for free?

But at $80/hr? Is the nice sibling OK with that? Unless OP's father is wealthy, it's going to make a significant dent in his inheritance and at the end, maybe both siblings of OP will be bitter.

In principle, I agree with compensation for the sibling who is working for their elderly parent. The way my in-laws have set this up, the sibling who is doing the most care is getting a larger chunk of the inheritance. But if we start to get into counting hours and dollars... I think that opens the door to nitpicking later.

Who cares if siblings are bitter? The dad is alive and is choosing to compensate his very generous and caring daughter for part of the time she gives him to care for him. They are not doing any caregiving, so they need to get over feeling entitled to his money.

And the people who are nickel and dining OP over it being $80/hr…you think the level of care a daughter provides is even remotely comparable to what you’d get from someone on Care.com for $20/hr? Give me a break! It’s absolutely worth 4x that if that’s the income she’s giving up to do it, and she is trusted and reliable. If he can afford it, why not?

She isn't generous or caring - she is charging him. There is zero generosity or care. It is a business transaction and a way for her to make money. Generous and caring would be helping out for free because you love your father. And her father doesn't really have a choice - if he wants to see his family, he needs to pay up. Otherwise he would be on his own with no one. She even charges him for the kids to visit.

I don’t see anywhere that she charges him for the kids to visit. She’s charging him for when she has to take time off; that’s fair. And it is STILL incredibly kind and generous. Would her dad rather be sitting in a car and then waiting room and then talking to his urologist around a stranger with too much perfume who makes him feel awkward and can barely speak the language? If he can afford $80/hr, I’m sure it a huge load off him feeling like a burden and that he is hurting her financially by accepting so much help.

It’s STILl burdensome, uncomfortable, stressful, and unrelenting to be a primarily elder care caregiver even if he replaces some of her income.

+1 OP could be working at their actual job at the same wage (with career progression) rather than taking dad to doctor's appointments and cleaning out his house. Calling her not generous when she's sacrificing time with her own kids and her own job to help her dad while one of the 3 siblings does nothing is inaccurate. OP should be paid fairly for their time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting how many people in the thread are against charging, but paying people to haul junk and declutter can cost hundreds of dollars for not very much.

So, it sounds like those of us who do this work should just hire the work out. Our parents can pay someone else and that will be acceptable to those in the thread…

My parents expected me to haul their mountains of junk out. I boxed their trash and junk and did more than 100 dumpster trips in addition to hiring junk haulers at least four times.

It’s rude and crazy that people don’t do a death cleaning when they are still able to do it.

I would never leave so much junk for my children and have already stated to get rid of things and/or to mark what can be tossed (if it is something I want to keep while alive).

We have selfish parents.

One thing my mom did after her dad died, was get deep into the swedish death cleaning. She told me she never wants us to have to go through that, and I sooo appreciate her!

My ILs are hoarders... when my FIL got cancer a few years back, all the kids started cleaning out the house. Hundreds of hours and probably thousands of dollars later? They've almost entirely refilled it again. So annoying.

[Anonymous]

The charges should be the labor cost of help if you hire someone else.
Like nurses assistant hourly pay not $80 per hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The charges should be the labor cost of help if you hire someone else.
Like nurses assistant hourly pay not $80 per hour.

Except you have to commit to a minimum number of hours to hire someone like that. So it’s the minimum amount you have to commit divided by the actual hours needed. That will often work out to 2x-3x their hourly rate and likely exceed $80/hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The charges should be the labor cost of help if you hire someone else.
Like nurses assistant hourly pay not $80 per hour.

Except you have to commit to a minimum number of hours to hire someone like that. So it’s the minimum amount you have to commit divided by the actual hours needed. That will often work out to 2x-3x their hourly rate and likely exceed $80/hour.

This is true if you hire through an agency.