How do you cope if you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have NEVER felt that way, and yet my now 20 year old was born a micro-preemie with special needs. My other kid also has a medical condition. It's just that I love kids, and always felt at my best as a parent. I love parenting.

It's perfectly OK if it's not your thing, but in that case, would the other parent be willing and able to take on more of their care? The priority is your children's well-being. They deserve a parent who does not resent them. You need to figure this out, OP.

You might feel differently if your kid had serious behavioral or personality issues.

PP you replied to. My oldest has autism and severe ADHD, so there are issues of the behavioral variety, but he's never mean or violent. My husband, also on the spectrum, is occasionally verbally aggressive and uses a super nasty tone.

So... I don't think you're going to get what you want by trying to dangle worst case scenarios on this thread, PP.

“never been mean or violent” is doing all of the work there.

[Anonymous]

OP makes no mention of having neurodiverse or violent children. Other posters need to stop reading their problems into everyone else's lives.

That said, OP sounds like she needs to become an every-other-weekend parent. There is no reason to hold on to 50/50 custody out of pride or appearances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have NEVER felt that way, and yet my now 20 year old was born a micro-preemie with special needs. My other kid also has a medical condition. It's just that I love kids, and always felt at my best as a parent. I love parenting.

It's perfectly OK if it's not your thing, but in that case, would the other parent be willing and able to take on more of their care? The priority is your children's well-being. They deserve a parent who does not resent them. You need to figure this out, OP.

You might feel differently if your kid had serious behavioral or personality issues.

PP you replied to. My oldest has autism and severe ADHD, so there are issues of the behavioral variety, but he's never mean or violent. My husband, also on the spectrum, is occasionally verbally aggressive and uses a super nasty tone.

So... I don't think you're going to get what you want by trying to dangle worst case scenarios on this thread, PP.

“never been mean or violent” is doing all of the work there.

Nasty troll. Go away.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the kind words. I was feeling down this morning but feeling better now.

It's been a tough few years. I went from being a SAHM with zero job skills, to divorced making $10/hour, and over the last 3 years managed to build my salary to $80k. Things are still tight, and unfortunately I ended up with quite a bit of credit card debt along the way (which still hangs heavy over me), so money stresses me out and every dollar I see leave hits me hard.

I also had severe PPD after my second child (coupled with depression over my xH cheating and us splitting up), so I've been in survival mode for some time and let SO many things like routines slide. Now it just feels overwhelming trying to build them back up. And everything just has SO much friction, even just getting the kids ready, everyone is running around and not listening.

[Anonymous]

Getting back into routines is something you can control. During one of your no kid weeks, plan what routines you want to put in place. Reorganize spaces to make them more routine friendly. Then once your kids are home, either all together or one on one, sit down and have a family meeting and get the child's input and create a large visible board with the routine and family rules. Find out from your kids (or at least the older one) what would make life calmer for them too. Then start implementing. It feels like work but it is work that will make life easier and less work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have NEVER felt that way, and yet my now 20 year old was born a micro-preemie with special needs. My other kid also has a medical condition. It's just that I love kids, and always felt at my best as a parent. I love parenting.

It's perfectly OK if it's not your thing, but in that case, would the other parent be willing and able to take on more of their care? The priority is your children's well-being. They deserve a parent who does not resent them. You need to figure this out, OP.

You might feel differently if your kid had serious behavioral or personality issues.

PP you replied to. My oldest has autism and severe ADHD, so there are issues of the behavioral variety, but he's never mean or violent. My husband, also on the spectrum, is occasionally verbally aggressive and uses a super nasty tone.

So... I don't think you're going to get what you want by trying to dangle worst case scenarios on this thread, PP.

“never been mean or violent” is doing all of the work there.

Nasty troll. Go away.

Not sure why you responded that way. what I was trying to say was that when a child IS mean or violent, then it is very difficult on a parent. parents who just claim to “love parenting no matter what!” likely have not faced that sort of challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the kind words. I was feeling down this morning but feeling better now.

It's been a tough few years. I went from being a SAHM with zero job skills, to divorced making $10/hour, and over the last 3 years managed to build my salary to $80k. Things are still tight, and unfortunately I ended up with quite a bit of credit card debt along the way (which still hangs heavy over me), so money stresses me out and every dollar I see leave hits me hard.

I also had severe PPD after my second child (coupled with depression over my xH cheating and us splitting up), so I've been in survival mode for some time and let SO many things like routines slide. Now it just feels overwhelming trying to build them back up. And everything just has SO much friction, even just getting the kids ready, everyone is running around and not listening.

Triage. Time will go by quickly and before you know it you will have a 9 year old and a 14 year old. Will be much easier. Just do whatever you need to do to make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP makes no mention of having neurodiverse or violent children. Other posters need to stop reading their problems into everyone else's lives.

That said, OP sounds like she needs to become an every-other-weekend parent. There is no reason to hold on to 50/50 custody out of pride or appearances.

I’m the one of the ones who brought that up. I don’t think having a neurodivergent child is uniquely difficult- parenting an NT kid under difficult circumstances (or lack of parental resources) can engender just as difficult feelings of being trapped. IOW having a neurodiverse kid doesn’t mean that parenting is by definition worse. It is once source of added stress that can tip a parent over to where OP is, but there are lots of other kinds of stress too that can get you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom, 50/50 custody, 2 kids, 9 and 3. The setup now is a million times better than when I was married, but I still regret having kids (especially having a second).

Most days I feel like I’m just counting down the minutes until they go back to their dads’ and counting down the years until they leave for college. I always feel overwhelmed and like everyone understands this parenting thing except me. I resent that every day is a battle just to get them out the door, that I need to make snacks and drinks a million times a day, that they’re so damn expensive and I’ve watched all my money dwindle away.

I know it’s not their fault, I know I suck as a parent, I know they’re gonna end up with all kinds of problems because of this. But I can’t help that I really, truly regret all of this and just want my easy life back.

Wow OP. Your post sounds terrible. Why not give up your custody?

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses are truly appalling and do not sound genuine. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, every parent I know sometimes (often) wants time away from their kid(s). I love my only child, but good Lord she is a PITA sometimes. Parenting is not easy and you have additional stressors in your life. I agree with the PP who said you sound burnt out. Sending you hugs. You sound like a dedicated parent who loves her children and is responsive to their needs and also needs more support.

[Anonymous]

Parent of a child with chronic health issues and special needs here- I have zero sympathy for you. How sad, you have two healthy children that you know will grow up to be independent adults? Grow TF up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of a child with chronic health issues and special needs here- I have zero sympathy for you. How sad, you have two healthy children that you know will grow up to be independent adults? Grow TF up.

You're gross

[Anonymous]

Give up custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the kind words. I was feeling down this morning but feeling better now.

It's been a tough few years. I went from being a SAHM with zero job skills, to divorced making $10/hour, and over the last 3 years managed to build my salary to $80k. Things are still tight, and unfortunately I ended up with quite a bit of credit card debt along the way (which still hangs heavy over me), so money stresses me out and every dollar I see leave hits me hard.

I also had severe PPD after my second child (coupled with depression over my xH cheating and us splitting up), so I've been in survival mode for some time and let SO many things like routines slide. Now it just feels overwhelming trying to build them back up. And everything just has SO much friction, even just getting the kids ready, everyone is running around and not listening.

Hi OP- therapist here. Are you on medication for depression? Do you have a therapist? I know finances might be at play here. I think it sounds like there are a lot of other things going on here besides simply just regretting having kids. You’re obviously having a trauma response to what you have been through and if you had severe PPD just 3 years ago, that’s a very troubling combination. I think it’s too reductive to get into anything else on this forum, but if there is a way for you to get help and support to process this more, I really hope you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the kind words. I was feeling down this morning but feeling better now.

It's been a tough few years. I went from being a SAHM with zero job skills, to divorced making $10/hour, and over the last 3 years managed to build my salary to $80k. Things are still tight, and unfortunately I ended up with quite a bit of credit card debt along the way (which still hangs heavy over me), so money stresses me out and every dollar I see leave hits me hard.

I also had severe PPD after my second child (coupled with depression over my xH cheating and us splitting up), so I've been in survival mode for some time and let SO many things like routines slide. Now it just feels overwhelming trying to build them back up. And everything just has SO much friction, even just getting the kids ready, everyone is running around and not listening.

1. What do you do for work? Turning your income around like that in just a few years time is impressive. Props to you and pat yourself on the back that's a huge accomplishment.

2. 9 and 3 are hard ages. Your kids are going through a tough transition as well and for kids stress often presents as behavior issues.

3. Make time for yourself when you don't have the kids. Do something that makes you feel good and no get yourself into therapy. You sound depressed. Connect with other divorced moms.

4. Pick one thing you want to work on with the kids and work on it and make it as positive as you can.Maybe it's getting out the door in the morning lots of advice here and online for you to try.If you have a good parenting relationship with your ex here you can ask for support. Just one thing don't overwhelm yourself.

5. Pick at least one activity to do with them every time you have them that's just fun. It doesn't have to be out of the house but it could be don't worry about mess or perfect it's about being together. Maybe it's pancakes for dinner and watching a movie snuggled in moms bed. Maybe you write a play together and record it.something they would enjoy and you would too.

You are not a bad mom. A bad mom wouldn't care. You're overwhelmed and have been through and doing a lot the last few years. Free yourself from the expectation of perfection. You can do this!