How do you cope if you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Seconding therapy to help manage difficult emotions and navigating a divorce. You are going through a lot and it would be surprising if you aren’t already seeing someone!

I think you should also look into parenting courses to help you manage your everyday challenges. There are so many resources out there like the Parent Encouragement Program based in DC (but also online) and like dozens of similar virtual parenting classes like Good Inside. Just to help you run your house more smoothly and with less conflict.

I know you might not think this is impacting your kids, but it is. I grew up with a mom who was overwhelmed (in retrospect, she was depressed, had no emotional regulation tools, and maybe had ADHD). I love her dearly but had my own years of serious issues with anxiety and depression that ultimately stemmed from feeling like a burden to her and my family. Kids can pick things up, and if you are unhappy they are too (even if they don’t show it to be brave for you). Take the time to get yourself some help so you can enjoy life with them!

And I am sorry you are going through this! It seems like a lot is happening at once. I hope you have a support system that is able to keep you going. You’ve got this!

[Anonymous]

Nice to see someone being honest about being a parent. It's exhausting and truly miserable at times. I'm a Dad who builds a lot of resentment when I'm unable to do any of the hobbies I enjoy. Id just recommend getting outside as much as you can w them - playgrounds or just long walks wherever... whatever gets you moving your body and breathing fresh air

[Anonymous]

You suck op, and what you’re feeling is not normal. Even having half your time to yourself isn’t enough??? Most of us like our kids and want to spend time with them.

-mom with full custody who only gets a “break” every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Why can't they get out the door? Mine are out the door 8 minutes after they wake up. Older one chose to stay at dad's mostly, because he had his own room there. I earned too little to afford bigger apartment.
How are they expensive? Public schools are free and aftercare was $300 max.
Why would they have problems? I hardly ever told them what to do and they are fine. I do have easy kids though. They are motivated to get ready and get out, because they want to see friends.
I do have single mother friend who constantly talks to their children even when I visit. My kids would never interrupt grownups.
Try to do less. Let them find ways to keep themselves busy.
Kids are exhausting, but my partner was worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Stop trying to be perfect. The advice to give up custody is good. But otherwise let things go. At least you get a break for your hobbies. Try to enjoy them outside the house and do fun things.

This. Have you always felt this way? Did you have kids cause your spouse wanted?

Does their other parent manage better and would take on full custody or a higher share? It would be really sad for the kids if both parents fight to decrease their own custody.

Rejection is hard for the kids, but you need to do what you need to do. Take time away for a month or two and if it’s how you feel, then reduce your time with them. It’ll be better than being resentful. It’s sad for the kids to at some point realize that they have a parent that doesn’t think they are the best thing that came into their parents lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You suck op, and what you’re feeling is not normal. Even having half your time to yourself isn’t enough??? Most of us like our kids and want to spend time with them.

-mom with full custody who only gets a “break” every other weekend.

NP. I love my kids more than anything. I have three. I wanted even more. My life absolutely revolves around my kids and being the best mom I can.

And you know what? I can still empathize with this woman who has obviously had a hard few years and is dealing with stuff you are lucky enough not to have to face. Lack of empathy is why we're in this big mess. I hope someday when you're down and ask for help no one comes along and kicks you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lower your expectations and accept that suffering is a part of life.

This.

[Anonymous]

Make sure to get the kids and yourself outside in the sunshine a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give up custody. And stay out of their lives.

No. You can't do that. Things are up and down in all aspects of life. Good feelings come and go. OP it's a lot harder when you share custody because you get the experience the freedom of childlessness then are crushed by the responsiblity again and again. Hang in there. Try to focus on being free when you are, and enjoying your kids when they are with you -- that sounds like hallmark advice but learn to put blinders on. You can make it. Being a parent is hard and havin time off can make it feel even harder. You can do it. Count down the days if you have to becaues believe me, they will go by and one day you will be totally free. By then you want to feel good about the job you did while you did it. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

70-80% is providing safety and showing up (roof, food and shelter), you do your best until they are 18.

Bonus if you talk kindly to them
Bonus if you show them how to be on their own.
Bonus if you like them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't they get out the door? Mine are out the door 8 minutes after they wake up. Older one chose to stay at dad's mostly, because he had his own room there. I earned too little to afford bigger apartment.
How are they expensive? Public schools are free and aftercare was $300 max.
Why would they have problems? I hardly ever told them what to do and they are fine. I do have easy kids though. They are motivated to get ready and get out, because they want to see friends.
I do have single mother friend who constantly talks to their children even when I visit. My kids would never interrupt grownups.
Try to do less. Let them find ways to keep themselves busy.
Kids are exhausting, but my partner was worse.

I’m not judging you doing what works for you. But being out the door 8 mins after waking up is not normal and kids are expensive. Activities, childcare , food, it all adds up. Yes we can choose not to do the extras but most parents want to see their kids doing things. I grew up poor and it’s hard being the only kid that can’t do things the friends are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You suck op, and what you’re feeling is not normal. Even having half your time to yourself isn’t enough??? Most of us like our kids and want to spend time with them.

-mom with full custody who only gets a “break” every other weekend.

You suck, PP, and your feelings about the OP are not normal. Take a breath and ask yourself why you feel the need to bully others based on the fact that you yourself are carrying a heavy load instead of having it make you a more compassionate person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nice to see someone being honest about being a parent. It's exhausting and truly miserable at times. I'm a Dad who builds a lot of resentment when I'm unable to do any of the hobbies I enjoy. Id just recommend getting outside as much as you can w them - playgrounds or just long walks wherever... whatever gets you moving your body and breathing fresh air

Couldn’t learn how hard this is with the first one and need to have a second one? Some people are just idiots.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, you can’t go back in time, as much as you wish to. This is your reality. Sometimes radically accepting things and just consciously letting go of the “woulda coulda shoulda” is helpful.

You’re going to have to fake it until you make it. There’s no other choice, because your kids deserve that; they didn’t ask to be born. Also - you might enjoy them more as they get older and become more independent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe depression