How do you cope if you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Hire help, give dad more custody, put them in camps, activities and after care, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have NEVER felt that way, and yet my now 20 year old was born a micro-preemie with special needs. My other kid also has a medical condition. It's just that I love kids, and always felt at my best as a parent. I love parenting.

It's perfectly OK if it's not your thing, but in that case, would the other parent be willing and able to take on more of their care? The priority is your children's well-being. They deserve a parent who does not resent them. You need to figure this out, OP.

[Anonymous]

Get yourself help. Im serious, not being mean. The reality is you are expected to parent 50% of the time, and your feelings about that dont change the reality. Therapy or meds might help if you suspect anxiety ir depression might be making it harder. Otherwise find hacks that help you. Hire babysitters. Find activities you all enjoy. Make a schedule that is doable and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

I've been there. It *feels* like things would be better if you didnt have them, but we don't really know that.

Lean into what this track of thinking does for you. What is it tied to, what function is it serving.

One thing I personally find helpful is just being (healthily) honest about parenting. The way my parents "parented" made it look like no big deal to have kids. I knew I wanted to have a relationship with my kids and raise them differently, but had no idea how much effort that would take (nevermind dealing with my triggers and childhood issues that came up along the way).

I feel better being honest that its not been that easy for me, that maybe more people shouldn't feel their only logical path is to have kids, that religious procreate ideas or "women roles" harm people, that society's push toward all these insanely expensive and consuming activities, parties, things, etc that kids "need" hurts families.

[Anonymous]

Give Dad more custody or primary custody.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you have had a hard go of marriage and parenthood if you have a three year old you share with your ex and are divorced. That was probably a lot of life between here and there and has affected the whole family.

I think therapy could help! I also think your kids probably could do more for themselves. Nine year old can do a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't have kids by choice and I am sorry you feel the way you are feeling. You aren't getting much sympathy here but here's a hug. ((((OP))))

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as an easy life. There are periods of ease and periods of difficult. You’re in difficult now.

I’m sure you love your kids. Never ever tell them you regret having them, you can never take it back and it’s a cruel thing to say. Hire some help for some of the days they’re with you so you’re not so burned out. And go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give Dad more custody or primary custody.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as an easy life. There are periods of ease and periods of difficult. You’re in difficult now.

I’m sure you love your kids. Never ever tell them you regret having them, you can never take it back and it’s a cruel thing to say. Hire some help for some of the days they’re with you so you’re not so burned out. And go to therapy.

Way to gaslight. She feels what she feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give up custody. And stay out of their lives.

This you are a horribly selfish person. I feel terrible for your kids

[Anonymous]

I am in a different situation in that my kid is having some pretty serious issues with mental health or maybe just personality that makes me think none of this is worth it. RN I would absolutely go back in time and not have them. Which is a pretty sobering thought. I don’t think this is a permanent belief but rather a reflection of the stress I am under. So I am trying to put on my own oxygen mask and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. But it is pretty horrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have NEVER felt that way, and yet my now 20 year old was born a micro-preemie with special needs. My other kid also has a medical condition. It's just that I love kids, and always felt at my best as a parent. I love parenting.

It's perfectly OK if it's not your thing, but in that case, would the other parent be willing and able to take on more of their care? The priority is your children's well-being. They deserve a parent who does not resent them. You need to figure this out, OP.

You might feel differently if your kid had serious behavioral or personality issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have NEVER felt that way, and yet my now 20 year old was born a micro-preemie with special needs. My other kid also has a medical condition. It's just that I love kids, and always felt at my best as a parent. I love parenting.

It's perfectly OK if it's not your thing, but in that case, would the other parent be willing and able to take on more of their care? The priority is your children's well-being. They deserve a parent who does not resent them. You need to figure this out, OP.

You might feel differently if your kid had serious behavioral or personality issues.

PP you replied to. My oldest has autism and severe ADHD, so there are issues of the behavioral variety, but he's never mean or violent. My husband, also on the spectrum, is occasionally verbally aggressive and uses a super nasty tone.

So... I don't think you're going to get what you want by trying to dangle worst case scenarios on this thread, PP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. That sounds rough. I think it's easy to think of this as an emotional problem (it's so hard, regret, resentment, unhappiness, etc), but I actually think this is full of practical problems that are solvable. I don't think acceptance of "well, yeah, I regret this" is the best path for you. The key is this: "I always feel overwhelmed and like everyone understands this parenting thing except me." Okay. Well, everything is a skill, and I bet you can figure out a way to parent such that your life is better. Really. It doesn't have to suck. You've gotten through the divorce, that's great, and now you can turn towards the rhythm of your days and what you can change to make your life work for you.

I would start on two paths, conveniently, one with the kids, and one to focus on when they're not with you. When they're not with you - you need to focus on yourself. Are you taking care of yourself? Eating enough fruits and veggies? Getting enough sleep? Exercising? Do you think you might be depressed (might be worth a screening)? How's your social life? Do you have friends that you can talk to? Do you have hobbies that are fun and engaging? How much time are you spending on your phone (too much scrolling will make you hate your life without you even noticing, IMHO). Start small with an area that needs improvement, and build some wins. A divorce is an opportunity to remake your life into something you love. Always wanted to play guitar - now's the time to learn!

Then - the kid path. There is a huge school of thought right now, somewhat unspoken, that's basically, you do everything the kids need and whatever is best for them at all times because that's what parents do. I'm here to tell you that is bunk, and for many people (including you) a path to absolute misery. There's a lot that kids need (food, clothing, shelter, education, love) but they also need a mother who doesn't hate her life. And they need that more than a snack whenever they ask for it. By a LOT. So, how can you fix the way you parent to give yourself some space?

For the three year old, I'd recommend fairly strict, predictable routines. Ex: You've got to stay in your bed until the okay to wake clock turns green at 7:30am. Snacks are served at 10am and 4pm on weekends, and after school on weekdays, and that's it. You sit and eat your snack (no back and forth from table to toys), and then the kitchen is closed until the next meal. Standard going-out-the-door routines, standard arriving-home routines, standard bedtime routines. Very predictable. Kids THRIVE under routines. You don't have to standardize everything right away, and you will definitely get push back at the beginning - but again, start with one thing, and get it to a place where it doesn't suck. Snacks feel like an easy starting place. If you have issues with your kid listening, testing boundaries, and misbehaving, I recommend 1-2-3 Magic.

The part that's hard about this is for each of these improvements, it will get worse before it gets better. It's much easier to drink coffee while bleary eyed and watch your 3 year old play at 6am than it is to silently walk her back to her bed every 30 seconds while she screams, from 6am-7:30am. But if you do that for a week, then... you get to sleep until 7:30am every day. Same with all these other changes.

My kids are all under 9 so I don't have specific ideas for that age, but my instinct is that independence is the answer here. Start teaching her some serious life skills, and give her a chance to do stuff on her own. Good for her, freeing for you.

Talk with other parents you know who seem like they do "understand the parenting thing" and get tips. Ask for help here on DCUM for specific parts of your day and areas of parenting that you're struggling with. There IS a path to make this, if not fun, at least manageable, for you to not feel overwhelmed, and for you to enjoy your life. I promise, this exists. Don't give up on your own happiness - you can make this work for you. You don't "suck as a parent" - you just have more to learn. Congrats, so does everyone. You'll find your rhythm. Don't give up.