How do you cope if you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your support and advice.

I’m feeling better - when I wrote this, I was also dealing with hormonal fluctuations (I sometimes get severe PMS), and feeling overall depressed.

On the bright side of things, today I was offered a job with a $20k raise over my currently salary. So that’s a relief. Hoping I’ll be out of debt in the next year and can breathe a little easier.

I’m looking into parenting classes so I can establish better routines. Right now the biggest and most frustrating issue is feeling like I have to constantly yell at everyone to get them to do anything.

I’m realizing it’s not my kids per se that I regret and resent. I regret the circumstances I brought them into this world, regret who their father is, and feel so overwhelmed I’ve had to build a career and raise young kids at the same time. It’s been a hard few years.

NP I have suffered from PMDD for years and I just started HRT. It completely changed my life. I'm only 37 so it was hard to get anyone to take me seriously but please PLEASE look into this OP. I know what hell PMDD can be, I was literally suicidal two weeks a month. You're not thinking rationally.

Congrats on the raise!

[Anonymous]

OP thanks for the update. I am Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP thanks for the update. I am Team OP.

I think anyone who isn't team OP is worried that by showing even the smallest bit of compassion towards her they have to confront some feelings they work very hard to suppress. So it's easier to lash out. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Op, i know this is glib advice but consider trying an antidepressant if you haven’t. Wellbutrin has made living my life so much easier and more joyful. Nothing else changed (and in fact circumstances got harder) but I just feel better able to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP thanks for the update. I am Team OP.

I think anyone who isn't team OP is worried that by showing even the smallest bit of compassion towards her they have to confront some feelings they work very hard to suppress. So it's easier to lash out. Just my two cents.

This is a smart insight.

[Anonymous]

Reading your honest post made me sad.

Yes, ALL of us parents have had thoughts from time to time about how much easier our lives would have been had we never had children.

But to feel that way is problematic.
Unfortunately the children are here & it is your responsibility to care for them as best as you can.

If you feel that life w/children is just too unbearable would you consider giving their Father full custody?
If that is not an option - - perhaps you could seek out a support group for other single parents.

You may also find it beneficial to socialize w/other Mothers and their children.

Hopefully you have a good support system in place.
If you do not >> would you be open to seeking counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your support and advice.

I’m feeling better - when I wrote this, I was also dealing with hormonal fluctuations (I sometimes get severe PMS), and feeling overall depressed.

On the bright side of things, today I was offered a job with a $20k raise over my currently salary. So that’s a relief. Hoping I’ll be out of debt in the next year and can breathe a little easier.

I’m looking into parenting classes so I can establish better routines. Right now the biggest and most frustrating issue is feeling like I have to constantly yell at everyone to get them to do anything.

I’m realizing it’s not my kids per se that I regret and resent. I regret the circumstances I brought them into this world, regret who their father is, and feel so overwhelmed I’ve had to build a career and raise young kids at the same time. It’s been a hard few years.

((((hugs)))). I take it one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour or one minute at a time. If you find yourself about to yell: Stop, close your eyes, breathe in for 7, hold for seven, breathe out for seven. This will help you reset. It can help even if you do it after you yell. If my kids yell back or make a comment, I say, “ would you like to try that again?” Neither work all the time, but it helps more than you would think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading your honest post made me sad.

Yes, ALL of us parents have had thoughts from time to time about how much easier our lives would have been had we never had children.

But to feel that way is problematic.
Unfortunately the children are here & it is your responsibility to care for them as best as you can.

If you feel that life w/children is just too unbearable would you consider giving their Father full custody?
If that is not an option - - perhaps you could seek out a support group for other single parents.

You may also find it beneficial to socialize w/other Mothers and their children.

Hopefully you have a good support system in place.
If you do not >> would you be open to seeking counseling?

As a regretful parent, this usually makes it worse. The mothers often talk primarily about their kids. They don’t have much going on outside of their kids and it’s clear their lives have been negatively affected by the children. They also are often overweight and their kids interrupt the conversation frequently. Nothing makes me more regretful than a group of mothers and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you. I am a good parent. But I despise it. Honestly, it just feels like a prison sentence and I’m just counting down the years which is a terrible way to live, but that’s just the way it is. I have eight more years until they’re both in college at this point.

Why do you despise it?

I can’t believe I’d even have to come up with a list for despising parenting because it seems extremely obvious.

First, I was never someone who wanted to have kids because I didn’t see the appeal. I was literally physically pressured into it.

It’s all work.
no joy.
no time.
too expensive.

Being a full-time employee and being a mother is probably the worst situation I could’ve ever imagined, and I never wanted to do it but that’s the situation I’m in. And let’s add on a terrible commute to that.

Anxiety levels raise when you have kids because you have to worry about everything that’s another reason it sucks. I have high anxiety anyway, so having kids makes it worse.

I’m also extremely introverted and honestly working full-time and having kids is just too much for an extremely introverted person. There are too many social commitments that come over along with having children. So that sucks.

I love them, but if I could go back in time and never get married, I absolutely would because then I wouldn’t have been physically pressured to have kids I didn’t want to have.

I am a great mom. I do everything right but I absolutely despise every second of it, and it’s like a countdown until they go to college but then I’m gonna be angry because I will be very old and I have wasted all this time doing things that I did not want to do versus the things that I actually want to spend my time doing, which was not raising children.

And no, it does not get easier for people who say it’s easier that’s just ridiculous.
The absolute easiest time having kids is when they’re from 0 to 5, and I had difficult babies from a health perspective, and I still think it was easier then. One kid is in fifth grade and one kid is in eighth grade and no it’s not easier. It’s much harder because the amount of scheduling that has to be done with older kids with extra curricular activities and school is out of control, and I suspect that until they go to college, it’s just going to get harder every single year as the demands for extracurricular activities and then later college applications are going to ramp up even more. So, no, it’s not easier when they get older. It’s just different.

They know that they don’t have to have kids and then there won’t be pressure for them to have kids and they can either have kids or not have kids, but I will not be pressuring them to be a grandmother ever.

You can be an excellent mother and still hate doing it and believe it or not there are people like this. I am one of them and both my grandmothers were like this, too.

You can love people, be a great parent, and not enjoy it.

What a sad life.

She seems emotionally intelligent to understand herself and what she’s going through. Her honesty is refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the kind words. I was feeling down this morning but feeling better now.

It's been a tough few years. I went from being a SAHM with zero job skills, to divorced making $10/hour, and over the last 3 years managed to build my salary to $80k. Things are still tight, and unfortunately I ended up with quite a bit of credit card debt along the way (which still hangs heavy over me), so money stresses me out and every dollar I see leave hits me hard.

I also had severe PPD after my second child (coupled with depression over my xH cheating and us splitting up), so I've been in survival mode for some time and let SO many things like routines slide. Now it just feels overwhelming trying to build them back up. And everything just has SO much friction, even just getting the kids ready, everyone is running around and not listening.

It sounds like you all need a hug. How about snuggling on the couch with a movie and give them lots of hugs -- for yourself.

Also, you always find what you seek, so be mindful about what you want to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP thanks for the update. I am Team OP.

I think anyone who isn't team OP is worried that by showing even the smallest bit of compassion towards her they have to confront some feelings they work very hard to suppress. So it's easier to lash out. Just my two cents.

Yep. Congrats on the raise, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom, 50/50 custody, 2 kids, 9 and 3. The setup now is a million times better than when I was married, but I still regret having kids (especially having a second).

Most days I feel like I’m just counting down the minutes until they go back to their dads’ and counting down the years until they leave for college. I always feel overwhelmed and like everyone understands this parenting thing except me. I resent that every day is a battle just to get them out the door, that I need to make snacks and drinks a million times a day, that they’re so damn expensive and I’ve watched all my money dwindle away.

I know it’s not their fault, I know I suck as a parent, I know they’re gonna end up with all kinds of problems because of this. But I can’t help that I really, truly regret all of this and just want my easy life back.

No mother is better than you. Give up custody and leave them alone before you do even more damage.

[Anonymous]

I just lay in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you. I am a good parent. But I despise it. Honestly, it just feels like a prison sentence and I’m just counting down the years which is a terrible way to live, but that’s just the way it is. I have eight more years until they’re both in college at this point.

Why do you despise it?

I can’t believe I’d even have to come up with a list for despising parenting because it seems extremely obvious.

First, I was never someone who wanted to have kids because I didn’t see the appeal. I was literally physically pressured into it.

It’s all work.
no joy.
no time.
too expensive.

Being a full-time employee and being a mother is probably the worst situation I could’ve ever imagined, and I never wanted to do it but that’s the situation I’m in. And let’s add on a terrible commute to that.

Anxiety levels raise when you have kids because you have to worry about everything that’s another reason it sucks. I have high anxiety anyway, so having kids makes it worse.

I’m also extremely introverted and honestly working full-time and having kids is just too much for an extremely introverted person. There are too many social commitments that come over along with having children. So that sucks.

I love them, but if I could go back in time and never get married, I absolutely would because then I wouldn’t have been physically pressured to have kids I didn’t want to have.

I am a great mom. I do everything right but I absolutely despise every second of it, and it’s like a countdown until they go to college but then I’m gonna be angry because I will be very old and I have wasted all this time doing things that I did not want to do versus the things that I actually want to spend my time doing, which was not raising children.

And no, it does not get easier for people who say it’s easier that’s just ridiculous.
The absolute easiest time having kids is when they’re from 0 to 5, and I had difficult babies from a health perspective, and I still think it was easier then. One kid is in fifth grade and one kid is in eighth grade and no it’s not easier. It’s much harder because the amount of scheduling that has to be done with older kids with extra curricular activities and school is out of control, and I suspect that until they go to college, it’s just going to get harder every single year as the demands for extracurricular activities and then later college applications are going to ramp up even more. So, no, it’s not easier when they get older. It’s just different.

They know that they don’t have to have kids and then there won’t be pressure for them to have kids and they can either have kids or not have kids, but I will not be pressuring them to be a grandmother ever.

You can be an excellent mother and still hate doing it and believe it or not there are people like this. I am one of them and both my grandmothers were like this, too.

You can love people, be a great parent, and not enjoy it.

So a lot of us find joy in parenting. I literally could not come up with a long list of the things I “despise” about parenting. I am shocked at your shock!

Here are some really enjoyable things about parenting:

Introducing kids to fun new things and watching them enjoy it
Spending time together (hikes, cooking, reading together etc )
The way sometimes they say really off the wall stuff that just surprises you
Watching them grow emotionally
Enjoying holiday traditions and other seasonal fun
When they want to talk to you all about their day or whatever their interests are

I have never found enjoyment in any of those things. I don't enjoy holidays or family events. I never have. Not even as a kid. I had a bad childhood. People who have great childhoods want to replicate it by having kids. People with bad childhoods don't feel how you feel about any of it.

False. Terrible childhood here and I agree with everything she posted.

Please seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP thanks for the update. I am Team OP.

I think anyone who isn't team OP is worried that by showing even the smallest bit of compassion towards her they have to confront some feelings they work very hard to suppress. So it's easier to lash out. Just my two cents.

I love being a mom but am not team OP because I know several women who wanted nothing more in life than to become mothers and it didn’t work out for them.

Obviously nothing OP did can change that but it seems like such an injustice of karma that OP has the gift of two beautiful healthy (presumably) children and chooses to feel miserable about it.

I also dislike that OP failed to take accountability for her role in bringing two humans into this world and understanding the work that entails.

What I would be sympathetic to is if OP expressed regret for reproducing with an abusive or unsuitable husband who failed to help raise the children or assist meaningfully with parenting.

One down the road, OP will realize how much she has missed out on in life. Hopefully before it’s too late.