Desi parents and kids who married a non desi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work[b] if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Absolutely true. I have noticed that the WASP men that marry into Indian families tend to be from families of low socioeconomic status. Also their family of origin lacks cohesiveness so these men get completely sucked up into the wife’s Indian culture. I guess this is self selection though. Wealthier Wasps from good, tight knit families marry within their own communities.

JD Vance😀🤣

There you go. Perfect example!

Yes, JD Vance is a perfect example. The fact is that Usha with her impeccable pedigree, intelligence, generational wealth and influence married him has uplifted him on a personal and professional level to great heights. Do you think that his dysfunctional family and culture would have provided him a scaffolding and roadmap to a stable and functional family life or future? Even if he was not the vice-president, Usha was still making bank and they would have had a great UMC life. Plus, he has the support of his Indian family. Do you think J D Vance needs to finance his Indian relatives? LOL. Do you know who are the parents of Usha?

Being a vice-president or president of USA is not an achievement because of just how rotten the whole system is. Felons, conmen and rapists can also become Prez. Besides, Usha Vance is not a Melania Trump. Her resume does not include having naked pictures of her rolling on fur. JD Vance does not have 5 kids with 3 baby mamas. All of this basically means that J D Vance became what he is because of who he married.

Oh BS. Usha is a neutral to negative placeholder. If anything she is a weakness and defect to Vance’s success. Vance’s success rode on Peter Thiel and Vances’s utter lack of integrity.

[Anonymous]

One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

NAH, they just don’t like it that the browns are as rich as them, and often do it better, enjoy their money in different ways, and have social networks and connections the WASPs needed to pay for in country clubs and trying so hard to
Make sure that the poors know that they’re wealthier than them, without really enjoying any of it for themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

My parents and the rest of my Indian extended family are wealthy enough to do both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

My parents and the rest of my Indian extended family are wealthy enough to do both.

As are wealthy WASPs, the point isn’t how much money you have, it’s how you behave with it. What you keep missing is that ostentatious displays of wealth are unacceptable behaviors to WASPs. It’s viewed as low class , thirsty, desperate and trashy by the older WASPs and wasteful, Kardashianish by the younger WASPs.

The one area where I think younger WASP women should be jealous of Indian families is getting to be fat and not worry about weight gain. Being chubby or even just not thin is viewed as a mortal sin in WASP culture. You will hear about it if you gain even 5-10 lbs. Eyebrows will be raised if you eat too much regardless of weight. It’s brutally annoying. Indian families however seem to embrace love handles. I’ve yet to see a middle aged Indian woman who isn’t overweight by WASP standards. Indian women seem far more chill about facial hair too even to the point of having a mustache as they get older. If a WASP detects one lightly colored chin hair, it’s stat off to electrolysis.

[Anonymous]

I'm a white woman married to an indian man. We've been together since HS and so honestly, his parents didn't really have any alternatives lol.
For the most part his family welcomed me. His extended family more so - I was the white barbie they dressed up in traditional outfits. I always loved indian food, and they loved feeding me.
We paid for our own wedding, and it was tiny by indian standards, 65. We had several very elderly family members attend and it was really great. We had a mostly white wedding but with some traditional elements MIL wanted, and did a mendhi night.
He's never really been part of the desi community so that was never really a concern.

[Anonymous]

I'll also say, my BIL is married to an indian woman who's parents are both retired. They fully support her parents. They both make great money, and have almost nothing left over because they just blow through all their cash.

Someone upthread mentioned the flashiness - this is so true, but even the have-nots need to show off to keep up. So his parents house is double mortgaged, they have a brand new bmw SUV that they dont drive, etc. We live in a small duplex and drive older cars that were paid in cash. They are constantly telling us to buy a bigger/fancier house, or a fancier car. Meanwhile we have way more in savings and equity, even than my BIL and his wife, though they make 3x what we make. I've made it pretty clear we will NOT be supporting them. If BIL wants to make it even because he is supporting his ILs, he is welcome to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

You should do you. Go build your stealth multigenerational wealth.

Indians seem to do it all. They have close knit families, low rates of divorce, high achieving kids, and they also build "stealth multigen wealth". They take care of their elders and they don't expect their kids to pay for themselves once they turn 18. They do a lot of philanthropy and support and start charities and at the same time, they throw great weddings.

Trust me, even if Indians are spending huge amounts of money to celebrate something, it is a small fraction of their wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll also say, my BIL is married to an indian woman who's parents are both retired. They fully support her parents. They both make great money, and have almost nothing left over because they just blow through all their cash.

Someone upthread mentioned the flashiness - this is so true, but even the have-nots need to show off to keep up. So his parents house is double mortgaged, they have a brand new bmw SUV that they dont drive, etc. We live in a small duplex and drive older cars that were paid in cash. They are constantly telling us to buy a bigger/fancier house, or a fancier car. Meanwhile we have way more in savings and equity, even than my BIL and his wife, though they make 3x what we make. I've made it pretty clear we will NOT be supporting them. If BIL wants to make it even because he is supporting his ILs, he is welcome to.

This x100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents were initially freaking out internally but always nice to DH. Once they accepted that he was the one, they pulled it together and honestly, they love him so much now. Probably get along better with him than me.

Our family in India is very traditional, most people marry without the same community. When my parents announced the engagement to family and friends, they were 100% excited, even if that wasn’t how they felt initially. It didn’t give others room to question the relationship or add their thoughts. Like another PP, my parents are not chill about anything, but I do appreciate that they didn’t express doubts or allow others to. And they now are so happy with him.

Don’t let your parents bully you into ending a relationship. I know many divorced Indian-Americans who married someone Indian to make their parents happy (not arranged, just more settling). And others who are single because they didn’t follow their heart with someone who didn’t meet their parents’ expectations. Power through and most all but the craziest will come around just fine.

Good luck to you!

So much agree with this above. By the time we got married, parents were completely on board so the news was shared as a cause for celebration, not criticism or commentary. Maybe some people gossiped but who cares. They all came to celebrate and have been very positive since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

My parents and the rest of my Indian extended family are wealthy enough to do both.

As are wealthy WASPs, the point isn’t how much money you have, it’s how you behave with it. What you keep missing is that ostentatious displays of wealth are unacceptable behaviors to WASPs. It’s viewed as low class , thirsty, desperate and trashy by the older WASPs and wasteful, Kardashianish by the younger WASPs.

The one area where I think younger WASP women should be jealous of Indian families is getting to be fat and not worry about weight gain. Being chubby or even just not thin is viewed as a mortal sin in WASP culture. You will hear about it if you gain even 5-10 lbs. Eyebrows will be raised if you eat too much regardless of weight. It’s brutally annoying. Indian families however seem to embrace love handles. I’ve yet to see a middle aged Indian woman who isn’t overweight by WASP standards. Indian women seem far more chill about facial hair too even to the point of having a mustache as they get older. If a WASP detects one lightly colored chin hair, it’s stat off to electrolysis.

Yes, truthfully - these are two very different cultures and Indian-Americans really do not care about WASP culture or hold it in high esteem. They probably do the opposite of what WASPs do, because the speed with which WASP families crash and burn is scary for them.

Indians look down at the lack of morals within WASP family culture - affairs, divorces, baby mamas, baby daddies, multiple partners, selfish parents, underachieving kids, addiction, selfishness, inability to host and reciprocate socially, not paying for their kids etc. So, there is zero desire to be like the average WASPs.

As far as the WASP women are concerned - majority of Indian-Americans do not want to marry them as they are seen as easy as well as poorly educated. They may be ok for sex though. If they were seen as wife material and epitome of beauty, more rich Indian-American men would have divorced their Indian wives and married the White women. But that does not happen. They are pretty content with their average Indian wives. Another thing maybe that even the out of shape Indian woman has a brain, an advanced STEM degree and is making bank. Most Indian-Americans who come here in the world's richest country are horrified about the low percentage of college graduates among the "most privileged group" in USA.

Well, you may ask - what about the Indian-American 2nd generation man who marries a WASP wife? Usually, they are not very connected to the Desi community and the family dynamics is also a bit on the dysfunctional side (As per Indian standard. They are fully functional for WASP standards.). When this happens, the groom's parents will do some kind of "save the face" celebration. Then the female gets to play Disney Bollywood Princess and gets dressed up in Indian clothes and guests are low-level horrified because most of these women look mannish. Also, these WASP women are not the prettiest either. They are just very average and out of shape large women.

It is a different thing if the bride is from any other ethnicity - Jewish, Greek, Italian, Asian, Hispanic, African etc. Women from these cultures are seen as normal and are raised family-centric communities, and there is a lot of interest in seeing their family dynamics and traditions in a blended wedding.

So, what do Indian-Americans do which is a copy of the WASP culture? Only one thing. They have understood that Americans worship money and America is for the rich. So through their hard work, family support and education - they will get rich in one generation. Then they spend money on what they want to spend money on - kids college, kids wedding, kids car, kids Mcmansion, and trust funds for grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Many, many sweeping generalizations here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many, many sweeping generalizations here

Of course, you are right and you are winning. (Gore ki gand phat gayi Indian shaadi dekh kar)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

My parents and the rest of my Indian extended family are wealthy enough to do both.

As are wealthy WASPs, the point isn’t how much money you have, it’s how you behave with it. What you keep missing is that ostentatious displays of wealth are unacceptable behaviors to WASPs. It’s viewed as low class , thirsty, desperate and trashy by the older WASPs and wasteful, Kardashianish by the younger WASPs.

The one area where I think younger WASP women should be jealous of Indian families is getting to be fat and not worry about weight gain. Being chubby or even just not thin is viewed as a mortal sin in WASP culture. You will hear about it if you gain even 5-10 lbs. Eyebrows will be raised if you eat too much regardless of weight. It’s brutally annoying. Indian families however seem to embrace love handles. I’ve yet to see a middle aged Indian woman who isn’t overweight by WASP standards. Indian women seem far more chill about facial hair too even to the point of having a mustache as they get older. If a WASP detects one lightly colored chin hair, it’s stat off to electrolysis.

Yes, truthfully - these are two very different cultures and Indian-Americans really do not care about WASP culture or hold it in high esteem. They probably do the opposite of what WASPs do, because the speed with which WASP families crash and burn is scary for them.

Indians look down at the lack of morals within WASP family culture - affairs, divorces, baby mamas, baby daddies, multiple partners, selfish parents, underachieving kids, addiction, selfishness, inability to host and reciprocate socially, not paying for their kids etc. So, there is zero desire to be like the average WASPs.

As far as the WASP women are concerned - majority of Indian-Americans do not want to marry them as they are seen as easy as well as poorly educated. They may be ok for sex though. If they were seen as wife material and epitome of beauty, more rich Indian-American men would have divorced their Indian wives and married the White women. But that does not happen. They are pretty content with their average Indian wives. Another thing maybe that even the out of shape Indian woman has a brain, an advanced STEM degree and is making bank. Most Indian-Americans who come here in the world's richest country are horrified about the low percentage of college graduates among the "most privileged group" in USA.

Well, you may ask - what about the Indian-American 2nd generation man who marries a WASP wife? Usually, they are not very connected to the Desi community and the family dynamics is also a bit on the dysfunctional side (As per Indian standard. They are fully functional for WASP standards.). When this happens, the groom's parents will do some kind of "save the face" celebration. Then the female gets to play Disney Bollywood Princess and gets dressed up in Indian clothes and guests are low-level horrified because most of these women look mannish. Also, these WASP women are not the prettiest either. They are just very average and out of shape large women.

It is a different thing if the bride is from any other ethnicity - Jewish, Greek, Italian, Asian, Hispanic, African etc. Women from these cultures are seen as normal and are raised family-centric communities, and there is a lot of interest in seeing their family dynamics and traditions in a blended wedding.

So, what do Indian-Americans do which is a copy of the WASP culture? Only one thing. They have understood that Americans worship money and America is for the rich. So through their hard work, family support and education - they will get rich in one generation. Then they spend money on what they want to spend money on - kids college, kids wedding, kids car, kids Mcmansion, and trust funds for grandkids.

You don’t understand what WASP is and you are conflating it with other white culture groups. WASPs put a high premium on the right private high schools, right colleges and universities. WASPs value SLACs. They don’t view higher education as a greed rush to high paying careers and they don’t force their kids into STEM.