Desi parents and kids who married a non desi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

What? I'm just saying, some of you don't know what WASP means.

How would they? Most Indians just hang out with other Indians. They don’t know about wasps or any other culture for that matter.

Also, other Asians, Latin Americans, Africans, Jews, East Europeans...in other words, any functional family whose kids are doing well academically and in the same ECs as their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

NAH, they just don’t like it that the browns are as rich as them, and often do it better, enjoy their money in different ways, and have social networks and connections the WASPs needed to pay for in country clubs and trying so hard to
Make sure that the poors know that they’re wealthier than them, without really enjoying any of it for themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

It is a 5 day wedding with many ceremonies for a relatively small Indian wedding - 200-300 guests. 350K is a colossal waste for whom? People who cannot afford to pay for it will very often have a smaller, shorter wedding - and no one blinks an eye. For the families that can afford to pay for it and for whom this is a tradition, it is just an expense for which they earn and save for it. Besides some of the cost includes paying for the rooms of the relatives and close friends, as well as the cost of the gold and diamond jewelry for the girl. You are in essence hosting 4-5 weddings. And frankly, there are many businesses that employ many people who subsist on this business.

https://www.sodjla.com/post/indian-wedding-cost

Just because you can afford something, it doesn’t mean you should spend it on something as superfluous and unnecessary as a wedding. This is why some cultures build stealth multigenerational wealth and support philanthropy/charities rather than exercise conspicuous consumption.

My parents and the rest of my Indian extended family are wealthy enough to do both.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

Huh?? There is no tension. Indian Americans don't think of the WASPs as particularly cultured and worth emulating. That is why there is no attempt to integrate or follow the WASP culture.

Indian-Americans are just better educated, have intact and functional families, their kids are doing better in all metrics, are more connected with their communities - be it their neighbors, relatives, coworkers etc, are fully immersed in their own rich culture/traditions/culture to have any FOMO, always have better food, and are wealthier than the average WASPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

Huh?? There is no tension. Indian Americans don't think of the WASPs as particularly cultured and worth emulating. That is why there is no attempt to integrate or follow the WASP culture.

Indian-Americans are just better educated, have intact and functional families, their kids are doing better in all metrics, are more connected with their communities - be it their neighbors, relatives, coworkers etc, are fully immersed in their own rich culture/traditions/culture to have any FOMO, always have better food, and are wealthier than the average WASPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

Huh?? There is no tension. Indian Americans don't think of the WASPs as particularly cultured and worth emulating. That is why there is no attempt to integrate or follow the WASP culture.

Indian-Americans are just better educated, have intact and functional families, their kids are doing better in all metrics, are more connected with their communities - be it their neighbors, relatives, coworkers etc, are fully immersed in their own rich culture/traditions/culture to have any FOMO, always have better food, and are wealthier than the average WASPs.

Oh c’mon

WASP “culture” party - sensible button down and neutral slacks, poached chicken, 3 spears of asparagus and 2 small, perfectly round lightly parsley-d potatoes, grudgingly eaten on white china, all while exclaiming “oh there goes my diet!” to all the people around who might listen.

Indian “culture” Party - bright, colorful people who don’t see the fun or joy in any of the above. Great music, super loud talking, and more delicious variety of food and sweets than should or could ever be consumed. No one is apologizing for eating too much, being too loud, or enjoying themselves.

I’m a white girl and I love it more than anything when I get included in my BFF’s family events. We’ve known each other for 35 years, her parents and aunties all call me the adopted kid, and I know which party I’d pick each and every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are desi, you married a non desi, were your parents chill about it? If not, did they or any family members come for your wedding or have a relationship with you after your wedding? Did you care that you might end up being shut out from your community? Do you still meet the desi family friends?

You love who you love. People can accept it or not but you don't make your decisions based on their potential judgement. If you lived in another country, it would be a different story but most desi people living here are for decade plus have evolved. Everyone will come around, some early and others late. You go girl,live your life as you want, not as others want for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that socio economic status makes a difference too. If the Indian extended family has high expectations of money flowing back to them and the non Indian SIL/DIL or their parents are not onboard with this, then this could be a worry.

As a WASP it’s mind blowing how some Indian parents expect so much money from their adult children. Even more mind blowing is the expectation to give money to hordes of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Honestly, I would restructure how our inheritance and trusts work if we’re in a position where the funds we give to DD or DS for their nuclear family are grabbed by overseas in laws.

GTFOH!! No community in USA is wealthier than Indian-Americans. Not even WASPs. So, the thought of some non-Indian WASP with no legup from their own family, funding the ILs in USA or India is beyond hilarious. When will you be in that position to give? You neither have the money, nor the heart, nor the training, nor the tradition. BTW - I am only talking about Desi Indians. Not including other nationalities here - Bangladeshis or Pakistanis etc.

Please, the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts are not marrying second gen Indians. The people who vacation in the Hamptons are not marrying the second gen Indians. Usually, it is WASPS from no-name and extremely modest families who start dating the Indian-Americans with bright financial future in college and grad school.

These WASPs do not come into the marriage with significant assets. Neither their own earned money, nor generational wealth. Mostly, Indian parents fund the whole wedding (average cost is 350K in DMV) their kids do not have college debt, their children get seed money and the Indian parents make sure that the wedding succeeds. And it does succeed because life becomes smooth when you have wealthy and involved ILs to fall back on. This is especially true of the desi bride and WASP grooms. They buy into the Indian side of the family a lot more because the logistical help and material help is tremendous. The desi groom and WASP bride dynamic is different. Usually, the groom and children remain cut off from the Indian side of the family and they behave more like typical WASP males. However, usually these are the grooms with significant earning potential and so their dependency on family is less.

If any Indians give to extended family, then they only give if they are in a position to give. Rules of social & family conduct, rules of gift-giving etc is extremely nuanced and it is adhered to. But, majority of people will not let a branch of their extended family fail or the young generation not get a good education, if they have the means. Why? Charity begins at home, the entire clan has to become successful so that they are able to be of help to each other and rising tide raises all boats.

Most of the times, it is the Indian- American parents who have to safeguard their wealth from the people that their children marry. Most of the property lawyers in the US ask us to structure our assets in a way that anyone who is not our own blood does not get it through divorce. They strongly suggest to us to make our children get pre-nups etc. As a result, the significant transfer of wealth which should have happened at the wedding, doesn't actually happen. When Indian parents see that WASP ILs are not reciprocating or not transferring wealth to their own children, they also hold back.

Is this widespreadly true? $350k weddings are the norm? Or just PP’s delusion?

It’s the PP bubble. Arrogant, insecure, tacky, flashy, and enmeshed, yuck. 350K on a wedding is a colossal waste of money.

Yup. Well, may be not if your networth is over 35 million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One big stress in a mixed desi-white couple I am close to is about how long visiting family stay. The Indian family is used to staying for long visits while for the white member of the couple, this is extreme and drives them crazy.

Only if a family is from back home and kid moved here. Not if they live here and their kid is second generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the tension points between Indian culture and WASP culture is that the wealth flashiness in Indian cultures mirrors what WASPs consider trashy new money aka Lauren Sanchez types. WASP culture is also rooted in the idea that money flows down following blood not over, up and sideways. This isn’t to say that the Indian way is bad, it’s just very opposite of the WASP culture.

Huh?? There is no tension. Indian Americans don't think of the WASPs as particularly cultured and worth emulating. That is why there is no attempt to integrate or follow the WASP culture.

Indian-Americans are just better educated, have intact and functional families, their kids are doing better in all metrics, are more connected with their communities - be it their neighbors, relatives, coworkers etc, are fully immersed in their own rich culture/traditions/culture to have any FOMO, always have better food, and are wealthier than the average WASPs.

What a racist, arrogant, and disgusting post.

[Anonymous]

Some people make a big deal out of it, others come around relatively easily depending on how strict or conservative they are.

It helps if desi parents were born here or are living here for long time and raised kids here.

It also helps if you are mature, professionally educated and financially independent and marrying someone similar.

If its first marriage of such nature in your family or circle, it would be mire difficult than if other cases happened before you.

[Anonymous]

One strategy is to first announce that you suspect that you are gay, lesbian, trans etc so when you suggest a conventional marriage to a non-desi, everyone is actually grateful for the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Good lord. Who is running around posting garbage cliches?

I guess I'm a wasp going by heritage and private school background. Know a fair few "wasps" married to South Asians. And seems to be increasingly more common. And everyone seems fine. As it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are desi, you married a non desi, were your parents chill about it? If not, did they or any family members come for your wedding or have a relationship with you after your wedding? Did you care that you might end up being shut out from your community? Do you still meet the desi family friends?

OP if you are a worried immigrant parent, relax. Eventually everyone comes around and if someone doesn't, you don't want such judgmental meddlers in your business anyways. Stand with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One strategy is to first announce that you suspect that you are gay, lesbian, trans etc so when you suggest a conventional marriage to a non-desi, everyone is actually grateful for the outcome.

LOL! My cousin did exactly this.