Desi parents and kids who married a non desi

[Anonymous]

One big stress in a mixed desi-white couple I am close to is about how long visiting family stay. The Indian family is used to staying for long visits while for the white member of the couple, this is extreme and drives them crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many, many sweeping generalizations here

Seriously! I’m half-Indian/half-white (and not young!) and have seen a LOT of mixed marriages

First - Indian-American culture is hardly monolithic.


There are the academic Indians who immigrated to the US for graduate school. Usually they have been here the longest of the other groups, and even have a fairly high percentage of mixed marriages and non-arranged marriages. They also aren’t flashy. Usually these folks are the most chill about mixed marriages- provided the non-Indian future in-law is well educated. Think of Bobby Jindal’s, Nikki Haley’s, and Kamala Harris’s families of origin.

The doctor Indians tend to be more particular about things - preferring doctor-doctor matches. They immigrated later - tend to be more insular - even to the point of only socializing with Indians from the same region. Also much more flashy. Mixed marriages may be less accepted at first, but that’s changed. And again - if the prospective in-law is a medical doctor and embraces the Indian culture - a lot is overlooked.

Then they are the more business focused Indian immigrants and the more recent IT/engineering immigrants. My experience with these groups are they are even more insular than the academics and doctors- so probably less likely to be accepting of non-Indian matches, but eventually it works out.

BIG caveat is that if the non-Indian is not white or Asian - it’s a usually a bigger deal. And if the Indian family is Hindu (or Jain) then if the potential partner is Muslim - ooooof - that’s also usually not well received.

Also, the less educated the parents (particularly the mom) is, the less accepting of a non-Indian they’d be.

Again - my experience of observing this over the last few decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many, many sweeping generalizations here

Seriously! I’m half-Indian/half-white (and not young!) and have seen a LOT of mixed marriages

First - Indian-American culture is hardly monolithic.


There are the academic Indians who immigrated to the US for graduate school. Usually they have been here the longest of the other groups, and even have a fairly high percentage of mixed marriages and non-arranged marriages. They also aren’t flashy. Usually these folks are the most chill about mixed marriages- provided the non-Indian future in-law is well educated. Think of Bobby Jindal’s, Nikki Haley’s, and Kamala Harris’s families of origin.

The doctor Indians tend to be more particular about things - preferring doctor-doctor matches. They immigrated later - tend to be more insular - even to the point of only socializing with Indians from the same region. Also much more flashy. Mixed marriages may be less accepted at first, but that’s changed. And again - if the prospective in-law is a medical doctor and embraces the Indian culture - a lot is overlooked.

Then they are the more business focused Indian immigrants and the more recent IT/engineering immigrants. My experience with these groups are they are even more insular than the academics and doctors- so probably less likely to be accepting of non-Indian matches, but eventually it works out.

BIG caveat is that if the non-Indian is not white or Asian - it’s a usually a bigger deal. And if the Indian family is Hindu (or Jain) then if the potential partner is Muslim - ooooof - that’s also usually not well received.

Also, the less educated the parents (particularly the mom) is, the less accepting of a non-Indian they’d be.

Again - my experience of observing this over the last few decades.

I'm a PP and I agree with this a lot. My parents are from the first group you mentioned and I posted above that they embraced my non-Indian DH.

I agree more recent immigrants in the IT sector seem to be more insular. I think a lot of them work with mostly Indians etc - prior groups had no choice but to mix in and picked up a lot of Americana via osmosis.

I have posted before in the Religion forum that I feel sort of unwelcome at our local Indian temple (though my extended family and my parents' family friends have been great).

[Anonymous]

This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many, many sweeping generalizations here

Seriously! I’m half-Indian/half-white (and not young!) and have seen a LOT of mixed marriages

First - Indian-American culture is hardly monolithic.


There are the academic Indians who immigrated to the US for graduate school. Usually they have been here the longest of the other groups, and even have a fairly high percentage of mixed marriages and non-arranged marriages. They also aren’t flashy. Usually these folks are the most chill about mixed marriages- provided the non-Indian future in-law is well educated. Think of Bobby Jindal’s, Nikki Haley’s, and Kamala Harris’s families of origin.

The doctor Indians tend to be more particular about things - preferring doctor-doctor matches. They immigrated later - tend to be more insular - even to the point of only socializing with Indians from the same region. Also much more flashy. Mixed marriages may be less accepted at first, but that’s changed. And again - if the prospective in-law is a medical doctor and embraces the Indian culture - a lot is overlooked.

Then they are the more business focused Indian immigrants and the more recent IT/engineering immigrants. My experience with these groups are they are even more insular than the academics and doctors- so probably less likely to be accepting of non-Indian matches, but eventually it works out.

BIG caveat is that if the non-Indian is not white or Asian - it’s a usually a bigger deal. And if the Indian family is Hindu (or Jain) then if the potential partner is Muslim - ooooof - that’s also usually not well received.

Also, the less educated the parents (particularly the mom) is, the less accepting of a non-Indian they’d be.

Again - my experience of observing this over the last few decades.

I'm a PP and I agree with this a lot. My parents are from the first group you mentioned and I posted above that they embraced my non-Indian DH.

I agree more recent immigrants in the IT sector seem to be more insular. I think a lot of them work with mostly Indians etc - prior groups had no choice but to mix in and picked up a lot of Americana via osmosis.

I have posted before in the Religion forum that I feel sort of unwelcome at our local Indian temple (though my extended family and my parents' family friends have been great).

The earlier Indian arrivals had to make efforts to assimilate because there weren’t many other fellow Indians around. My mom’s brother came to America as a college student in 1966 and he was the only brown person in his Ohio town. He had an arranged Indian marriage, took his wife to America and they were the only Indians in their community for a long time. Both their children have professional degrees and are married to similarly-educated white Americans.
The Indians arriving today usually find well-established communities that they can readily fit into, down to very regional groups. They don’t have to mix with others if they don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

I’m just surprised at how many Desis are on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

I’m just surprised at how many Desis are on DCUM.

I think there are only a few commenters on this thread but are making most of the comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

What? I'm just saying, some of you don't know what WASP means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

What? I'm just saying, some of you don't know what WASP means.

I don't disagree that a lot of posters are lumping all white people together but my point is that shows the WASP distinction is not that relevant to a lot of Indian-Americans. Especially when it comes to the question asked by OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

What? I'm just saying, some of you don't know what WASP means.

How would they? Most Indians just hang out with other Indians. They don’t know about wasps or any other culture for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

What? I'm just saying, some of you don't know what WASP means.

I don't disagree that a lot of posters are lumping all white people together but my point is that shows the WASP distinction is not that relevant to a lot of Indian-Americans. Especially when it comes to the question asked by OP.

So “WASP” may not fit as much as random “Indian” doesn’t? Both are sweeping generalizations about people that may not fit at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many, many sweeping generalizations here

Seriously! I’m half-Indian/half-white (and not young!) and have seen a LOT of mixed marriages

First - Indian-American culture is hardly monolithic.


There are the academic Indians who immigrated to the US for graduate school. Usually they have been here the longest of the other groups, and even have a fairly high percentage of mixed marriages and non-arranged marriages. They also aren’t flashy. Usually these folks are the most chill about mixed marriages- provided the non-Indian future in-law is well educated. Think of Bobby Jindal’s, Nikki Haley’s, and Kamala Harris’s families of origin.

The doctor Indians tend to be more particular about things - preferring doctor-doctor matches. They immigrated later - tend to be more insular - even to the point of only socializing with Indians from the same region. Also much more flashy. Mixed marriages may be less accepted at first, but that’s changed. And again - if the prospective in-law is a medical doctor and embraces the Indian culture - a lot is overlooked.

Then they are the more business focused Indian immigrants and the more recent IT/engineering immigrants. My experience with these groups are they are even more insular than the academics and doctors- so probably less likely to be accepting of non-Indian matches, but eventually it works out.

BIG caveat is that if the non-Indian is not white or Asian - it’s a usually a bigger deal. And if the Indian family is Hindu (or Jain) then if the potential partner is Muslim - ooooof - that’s also usually not well received.

Also, the less educated the parents (particularly the mom) is, the less accepting of a non-Indian they’d be.

Again - my experience of observing this over the last few decades.

I'm a PP and I agree with this a lot. My parents are from the first group you mentioned and I posted above that they embraced my non-Indian DH.

I agree more recent immigrants in the IT sector seem to be more insular. I think a lot of them work with mostly Indians etc - prior groups had no choice but to mix in and picked up a lot of Americana via osmosis.

I have posted before in the Religion forum that I feel sort of unwelcome at our local Indian temple (though my extended family and my parents' family friends have been great).

The earlier Indian arrivals had to make efforts to assimilate because there weren’t many other fellow Indians around. My mom’s brother came to America as a college student in 1966 and he was the only brown person in his Ohio town. He had an arranged Indian marriage, took his wife to America and they were the only Indians in their community for a long time. Both their children have professional degrees and are married to similarly-educated white Americans.
The Indians arriving today usually find well-established communities that they can readily fit into, down to very regional groups. They don’t have to mix with others if they don’t want to.

PP the PP quoted.

Yep - and I can also say that it’s highly likely all of the Indians who came over before the late 60s (when Immigration opened up) either know each other or have 2 degrees of separation.

My parents tell me about how if they saw another Indian across the street when they lived in California in the 60s- they’d cross the street and introduce themselves- and probably invite them to dinner.

And there’s a really high percentage of mixed marriages in the kids of these immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One big stress in a mixed desi-white couple I am close to is about how long visiting family stay. The Indian family is used to staying for long visits while for the white member of the couple, this is extreme and drives them crazy.

Only drives the White DIL crazy. Because, White women are universally toxic to everyone.

Most White SIL are absolutely ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hilarious because some of you are talking about old school WASPs and some of you are talking about just white Americans in general.

A lot of DCUM is obsessed with WASPs but this thread is showing you that Indian-Americans are not. Find another thread to fawn over WASP aspirations.

I’m just surprised at how many Desis are on DCUM.

DCUM posters skew DMV rich, East Coast elites, college educated people. This is exactly what the desis in DMV are.